Foreword - On the Origin of Ranked
When on board the S.S Larsson, as an avid LOL player, I was much struck with certain facts in the distribution of the inhabitants of "Solo Queue Ranked", and in the community relations of the team to the other inhabitants of that team. These facts seemed to me to throw some light on the origin of ranked -- that mystery of mysteries, as it has been called by one of our greatest philosophers. On my return home, it occurred to me, in 2012, that something might perhaps be made out on this question by patiently accumulating and reflecting on all sorts of facts which could possibly have any bearing on it...
My name is Charles Larsson, and these are my pro-tips on gaining ELO.
#1 - Prepare for Battle
You must make sure your body is functioning and ready for strenuous video gaming. First, take a huge dump, and visualise all the stress, pain and cheesit dust being expelled from your body as you do. Following this, make sure you have a bag of crisp flavour crisps, a glass of the finest cola and a chocolate bar, as these will all provide excellent gamer nutrition.
#2 - Pre-Match Preparations
In ranked, you must be fast and strong to survive. When you get first pick (which you will do 100% with this guide) you must ban the champions that your team claims they can play.
Here is an example:
Phreak: Hey guys, what do you all want to pick?
xX420bonggrenXx: I'd like top, Jax if possible
Phreak: Alright, I'll take Teemo jungle
Lifeblam: i pley kog maw
Dysisa has banned Jax
Dysisa has banned Teemo
Phreak: Come on man, I need carrying to plat
Dysisa has banned Lifeblam
Doing this and winning will prove you belong at a better ELO.
#3 - Mocking Shout
Many "professionals" divide the game into 3 parts, early/mid/late game. However, through testing, there is a hidden 4th part of the game, the period between the game beginning and the minions arriving in lane. I call this period: "Durex Time".
You will be verbally penetrating them with words of steel, demoralising them before you meet them in lane.
For example, begin the game with "hahahahaha stay bad", followed by "no u" for a garen-teed ice burn.
#4 - You and Your Team
Make sure you constantly emphasise all of their mistakes, no matter how small. Did they only make the enemy burn flash? Insult their manhood. Did they miss a last hit? Tell them you hope they get cancer.
This will help them get better as people and bring you together as a team. However, if they for some reason become angry, challenge them to a gentleman's duel, Queensbury Rules 1v1.
#5 - The Conclusion
I hope that after following this guide, you will also be platinum ranked. From the war of top lane, from jungle and bot lane, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely, the +17 ELO, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved...