Views: 2125 Nasus: The Pharaoh
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There he was, the Great Pharaoh, sat on his throne, watching slaves erecting another pyramid.
Egyptians believed that gods looked like animals, or at least half animal and half human. The Pharaoh was known to be a god as well, and this one really could be called that way: he was a mixture of dog and human. Few knew his name: Nasus.
Nasus was feared by his powers. Several men dared to confront his army, and only once the enemies were killed by Egyptian hands; a disease killed the others, a plague sent by the Great Pharaoh. Enemies think he's a monster, Egyptians love him. His magic makes food grow faster and healthier, more and more people coming to Egypt to buy things, science advances.
The Pharaoh is a black man with a dog head; 1.80 meter tall, 112 kg. Wears a yellow armor divided into two parts: the top one and the pants. Each part has an emerald. The top piece is a helmet and a chest protector.
But that's not all. He has a staff that absorbs souls when its power is used. After every war, he kills slaves to get stronger and to control their number; they can make a rebellion, turning Egyptians against the Pharaoh, steal things or run to their homes.
Tonight, says Nasus, tell the guards to bring 100 slaves to the arena. His assistant walked away.
After some minutes of preparation, the Pharaoh enters and the bunch of slaves stares mad at him. A man comes running to strike Nasus, but dies in the first hit, having his soul taken from his body. The rest is afraid, but they still try since Nasus is outnumbered. The first 30 slaves were too easy, and the others started to run and avoid being killed. No problem for someone who has powers. Nasus chasing those scared men and the floor gets covered by bodies in a few minutes.
He takes a deep breath and tells the guards: "Bring him!”. The Pharaoh was calm man, confident of his skills, knew that he had a chance to beat that great slave, and that time was near. He prepared tons of strategies; there was no way to lose.
The gates open and he appears...
Next chapter: http://www.mobafire.com/league-of-legends/blog/thejohn/tonight-the-fight-begins
So guys, I'm not a great writer, but I tryed to describe the character, tell the story. Now that I'm reading it again, I saw that I have to train more when I write about a fight, it should make people cant stop reading. Its the first one, the next will be better.
What do you think of it (I'm sure you guys know who is coming to fight, so I have a surprise)?
Egyptians believed that gods looked like animals, or at least half animal and half human. The Pharaoh was known to be a god as well, and this one really could be called that way: he was a mixture of dog and human. Few knew his name: Nasus.
Nasus was feared by his powers. Several men dared to confront his army, and only once the enemies were killed by Egyptian hands; a disease killed the others, a plague sent by the Great Pharaoh. Enemies think he's a monster, Egyptians love him. His magic makes food grow faster and healthier, more and more people coming to Egypt to buy things, science advances.
The Pharaoh is a black man with a dog head; 1.80 meter tall, 112 kg. Wears a yellow armor divided into two parts: the top one and the pants. Each part has an emerald. The top piece is a helmet and a chest protector.
But that's not all. He has a staff that absorbs souls when its power is used. After every war, he kills slaves to get stronger and to control their number; they can make a rebellion, turning Egyptians against the Pharaoh, steal things or run to their homes.
Tonight, says Nasus, tell the guards to bring 100 slaves to the arena. His assistant walked away.
After some minutes of preparation, the Pharaoh enters and the bunch of slaves stares mad at him. A man comes running to strike Nasus, but dies in the first hit, having his soul taken from his body. The rest is afraid, but they still try since Nasus is outnumbered. The first 30 slaves were too easy, and the others started to run and avoid being killed. No problem for someone who has powers. Nasus chasing those scared men and the floor gets covered by bodies in a few minutes.
He takes a deep breath and tells the guards: "Bring him!”. The Pharaoh was calm man, confident of his skills, knew that he had a chance to beat that great slave, and that time was near. He prepared tons of strategies; there was no way to lose.
The gates open and he appears...
Next chapter: http://www.mobafire.com/league-of-legends/blog/thejohn/tonight-the-fight-begins
So guys, I'm not a great writer, but I tryed to describe the character, tell the story. Now that I'm reading it again, I saw that I have to train more when I write about a fight, it should make people cant stop reading. Its the first one, the next will be better.
What do you think of it (I'm sure you guys know who is coming to fight, so I have a surprise)?
hue erecting hue
Try putting some sense into what you're writing, does it make sense for Nasus to be afraid of a slave or even put that slave as his equal?
Etc.
"Nasus was feared by his powers."
I think you mean underlings
Maybe try to make the description of his appearance not be well, a description.
Saying stuff like 'and Nasus ran towards the arena, his yellow boots skidding on the floor as he slid to a stop' makes it more interesting for the reader then 'he wore yellow boots'.
my $2.20
You'll have to wait until I finish writing the book and get rich so I can pay you.
And ty
Try putting some sense into what you're writing, does it make sense for Nasus to be afraid of a slave or even put that slave as his equal?
Etc.
"Nasus was feared by his powers."
I think you mean underlings
Maybe try to make the description of his appearance not be well, a description.
Saying stuff like 'and Nasus ran towards the arena, his yellow boots skidding on the floor as he slid to a stop' makes it more interesting for the reader then 'he wore yellow boots'.
my $2.20