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Masturbation Teemo: The New Meta

Last updated on November 8, 2011
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Top Lane
Ranked #15 in
Top Lane
Win 52%
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Ability Sequence

Ability Key Q
Ability Key W
Ability Key E
Ability Key R

Not Updated For Current Season

The masteries shown here are not yet updated for the current season, the guide author needs to set up the new masteries. As such, they will be different than the masteries you see in-game.


Brute Force
Improved Rally

Offense: 9

Strength of Spirit
Veteran's Scars

Defense: 0

Expanded Mind
Presence of the Master

Utility: 21

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This guide does use profanity and has sexual content. viewer discretion is advised. DO NOT DO THIS IN ENTIRELY SERIOUS GAMES. This guide is assuming you are male, if a female player wants to attempt this use common sense and find your own way.

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One night I was playing league with a friend, and after a game I started looking up serious pornography. I got super ***** but it was my friend's last game, so I tried to think of a way to do that; and I found it: AP Teemo. Teemo's passive stealths him in any given location, allowing me to get some pumps off. His ultimate, noxious trap, gives the team substantial map and baron control, and when you get enough of your build your shrooms can be devastating to squishier enemies. If you shroom correctly, you only need to take part in major teamfights. In no way is this viable in serious games, so don't do it there.

this guides purpose is to have fun, actually make masturbation and league one in the same, and have a new way to play Teemo.

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Pros / Cons


Fun as hell to play

excellent map control

little effort in game

teaches newer players about proper warding and map control

Passive allows for instant gratification if the enemy has no oracles



Horrible in a serious game

need patience

A bit disturbing when you are in a premade doing this

Need to be alone in your living space to avoid embarassment (What would you do if you walked into someone playing video games AND masturbating at the same time?

Oracles are a *****

Cleanup after the game.

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Magic pen enhance your damage a lot

You need to mix up the mana regen OR get all per levels. your choice really. Armor works too if you have a hard lane and think you might die pre 6.

Cooldown reduction for more shrooms

Movespeed for running around the map. derp.

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9 points for the extra magic pen.

21 in utility for more movespeed, some regen, extra buff timer, flash and CV cooldown. Also the extra gold from greed helps as you wont be farming when you are newer at this.

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Skill Sequence

Max Q first as that is your nuke, you need damage over speed from 1-9. Max W next as the game starts to pick up and people will be trying to do small objectives, since you will be on their side of the map in constant danger when moving it is needed to get to the right place, shroom, stealth, and run away. E makes it easier to CS and the extra poison helps a tad. You can interchange E and W depending on your playstyle.

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Summoner Spells

Flash is pretty much needed, probably the number one summoner spell. It can be changed with ghost if you really want to.

Clairvoyence gives amazing map control. You can change it for ghost if you want, but I'd prefer more awareness for the team over a bit more speed with a long *** cooldown.

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Depending on your lane matchup, start with boots and 3 hp pots or a dorans ring. Boots are better if you are probably taking more hits and have a weaker lane partner (less sustain) Dorans is better if you have a sustaining lane partner or a strong one. Your next priority is to either rush large rod or boots of mobility. If you want to farm longer before you start masturbating for longer periods of time, or are absolutely crushing your lane, get the rod. If you want to start shrooming and want to leave right at level 6, get mobility. Go for the other one after you get it. If you staart with a dorans ring get tier one boots at least somewhere in there. Stack dorans if needed.

I go for deathcap right after as it gives the biggest AP boost and makes your Q hit really hard, while providing decent shroom damage. Afterwords getting a morrello's evil tomb is good for CDR and more AP, the regen helps too if you are actively shrooming. Next go for lichbane for more 1v1/teamfight viability. After that get what applies to the situation. need to burst people down? DFG. People building MR? Void staff. need more sustained DPS? Gunblade. etc etc.

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Early Game

You can start masturbation whenever you are comfortable. Get your item and head to bot lane. You can either go standard farming or start masturbaiting with passive up. After a bit use your passive to hit your lane your versing. Be sure they are weaker than you at low levels as this can backfire. By level 6 you should still be last hitting, but shrooming around the lane for protection. Once you or your opponent loses tower the real game can start.

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Mid Game

This is where the majority of your masturbation takes place. You will be placing mushrooms and wards around the bottom half of their jungle to give map awareness and protect to dragon. place a mushroom in the following spots whenever possible: The bush near wraiths, between wraiths at intersections to the river, the small bush near dragon, the mid lane long bush on dragon side, the bush leading upper left of mid lane, and about 2-3 around dragon. When you get 3-4 of the shrooms placed, start masturbation. Go slow so you do not achieve ****** early on in the game (You should have started masturbation in the beginning, but this is your first sustained period. )Always place a shroom when its off cooldown in a key location, use wards around the enemy buffs, keep wraith bushes shroomed, stay stealth around there to get a few easy kills walking by. Have your team stay around the dragon area in order to utilize your shrooms. you should not die too much, as you have minimal action for the team. Use Clairvoyence often to spot enemies and have your team ambush them if possible. You should be able to control how far you've gone with your masturbation and focus on the game. If you are losing the game just go afk in the base and **** yourself silly, this build doesnt work if you r team is losing and your map control will go to waste.

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End Game

Baron becomes major here and big teamfights. Only participate in teamfights that effect the flow of the game, not small skirmishes. Your shroom locations should be reversed; shrooming the baron side of the map. By now you should have full cooldown reduction, if not buy a blue elixer. Keep shrooms and keep calmly masturbaiting. The goal through the game is not to go as fast as possible, but to take it slow and allow semen to be produced in large quantities. Your passive is astounding if your playing at lower levels, I've stolen baron about 3 times using it, while stimulating my *****. A win win, persay. Take breaks from masturbation for short periods of time in order for more semen to be produced for the ******. Shroom ****ing everywhere if you can.

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Unique Skills

-Using one hand to masturbate and the other for the game is tremendous if you can focus on both.
-In prolonged masturbation periods you can experiment; try using both hands, your non dominant hand, or hell take a pillow case and shove your massive **** up that **** and dry hump it to next tomorrow's session.
-Lube is nice. Use it if your circumsized as it can cause skin irritation if you are not using lube. Also adds for extra pleasure (WARNING: DON'T USE ****ING GASOLINE I TRIED AND IT HURTS LIKE A *****, DONT EVER ****** WITH THAT **** ON YOUR *****).
-Having someone to talk to can be one of two things: awkward or funny as ****.
-Make noise if you can, it adds to pleasure and helps you keep focused.
-If you can be like me and not ****** for a whole ****ing hour then you are the god of masturbation Teemo.
-If you try this in a serious game be sure to amplify the fact that your **** is big and that you are masturbating while playing and that they suck because of it.
-Having sex with someone else is always a better alternative.

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Go **** yourself.