Views: 1594 Warhammer 40k: The Standards Ch.4
|
Report
Brutus awoke in the same room he was before; he lay there for a moment trying to recall what had happened the day before. Flavius instructed that it was important that he rest the day before surgery, and was given a few books to entertain him. When the books began to bore him he fell asleep, and woke up in a different room, strapped to a steel table. There were two men arguing in the darkness that surrounded him. One was questioning his abilities, but the other calmly assured the questioning one that, “I have seen his determination myself, and I have no doubt Brutus will be a fine Ultramarine.” A feeling of pride began to swell in Brutus’ chest as he had received his first compliment from a captain! He never imagined hearing Cordus giving him a compliment while he was still a neophyte. Then he remembered Cordus’s words telling him he must overcome the odds. Only then would he be admitted as a fully-fledged space marine. He stood, and made his way to the door to see if he could explore the ship. The handle turned, and the door came open. At least the Ultramarines trusted him enough to wander around the ship on his own. He went down the hallway until he came to an intersection, where two older men were standing. One had a metal claw for a left arm, while the other attempting to fix it.
"Blasted servitor!" The man mumbled as he hit the servitor's claw with a wrench. The servitor did not react and kept the same stoic expression it had before, and kept mumbling some kind of coordinates.
Brutus approached the man, "Excuse me sir? If you're not to busy can you direct me to where Flavius is?"
"If I'm not too busy? Do you know how much time it takes to keep these servitors u-" The man turned and upon seeing Brutus he snapped a quick salute, "Terribly sorry sir, I thought you were another one of the lackeys."
"Its okay, I'm new around here, but could you tell me where Flavius is?" Brutus asked once again.
"Flavius? I'm sure he left on a mission an hour ago. That reminds me you are suppose to report to the bridge right away." The man said.
"Where is the bridge?"
"Well, that doesn't surprise me here follow me." The man said, but before leading the way he tapped the servitor on the head, "Hey tincan back to work with ya." The servitor slowly rose to full height then walked down another hallway muttering numbers.
The man kept walking, and after a few moments, "Name's Darius. I'm one of the many 'human' workers that maintain the ship. Feel free to ask any of us directions or any questions you think we might know the answer to. You can identify us by this patch." Darius said as he pointed to a patch with two wrenches crossed on his shoulder. They were the same color as the Ultramarines’ horseshoe symbol.
"I’m Brutus it is a pleasure to meet you. So what exactly do you do?" Brutus asked.
"Very simple we do what we don't trust the servitors to do, maintain parts of the ship, and steer the thing. Some of us even give battle tactics and analysis. Though that falls to Lady Ciara for the most part. Lord Cordus sure knows how to pick his recruits, for they are completely dedicated to their duty and to the Emperor." He came to a door, and put his hand on the key pad, "And here were are."
The door opened and Brutus saw the large view port that allowed gazing of hundreds of stars, but one planet in particular was front and center. The planet had a greenish glow to it, and looked to be mostly land with large, but scattered pockets of water. There were many men, and a few servitors in positions rapidly typing and analyzing data.
Darius approached a teenage girl, no older than Brutus, who was sitting near a console on the far right of the bridge, "Lady Ciara." Darius said bowing, "I brought him as Lord Cordus ordered." The girl looked over her shoulder at Brutus then pointed to a console that had a screen with two seats. Darius nodded, and sat in one then motioned Brutus to the same.
When Brutus sat down he commented on Ciara’s behavior, "Not a very talkative one is she?" He looked over his shoulder to see her shoot him a quick glare then began to inform someone of tactical details.
"She is only like that when she is serving Lord Cordus, and helping others on a mission. Anyways you need to see what you're getting into."
The console flickered to life, and a screen appeared in the middle of it. On the top right was the text:
'Brother Anastasius' uplink
Planet: Magen V
Time: 19:00'
The screen showed a dense jungle, and Captain Cordus leading his squad with Flavius close behind. Anastasius was right behind them from the view his camera gave. They came to a fallen tree, just before a clearing, and Captain Cordus held a clenched fist into the air. His squad froze not moving an inch, and then Cordus motioned Anastasius to move up to the fallen tree. He did so, and raised a heavy machine gun in a ready position. The jungle was silent, and the squad scanned the area in front of them. They were waiting for something, and then suddenly Brutus could have sworn he saw a shadow at the edge of the screen dart deeper into the jungle.
Suddenly, hundreds of four legged creatures bounded out into the clearing charging the Ultramarine squad. Their roars were cut short by Brother Anastasius opening fire with his heavy machine gun mowing down as many as he could. The rest of the squad opened fire at the creatures, and cut down the first few ranks within seconds. However, they kept coming, and they were halfway across the clearing.
Cordus stepped over the fallen tree, and into the clearing brandishing a sword that gave off a light blue glow and crackled with energy. He then charged the creatures crying out, "Brothers! For the Emperor!" The rest of the squad advanced past Anastasius who soon followed keeping up his rate of fire from the rear of the squad. The creatures began to close around Cordus, who shot a pistol that discharged a blue orb.
'Plasma' Brutus thought as he watched entranced by the squad’s acts of valor and bravery in overwhelming odds. Four of the creatures leapt at Cordus their mouths open revealing sharp teeth, and paws full of sharp talons. One of the four took a blast of plasma directly to the face, and its corpse landed harmlessly behind Cordus. Then with inhuman speed he unleashed a flurry of attacks with his sword, and the other three landed on the ground with missing limbs or gaping wounds. The creatures’ numbers dwindled until there was none left, and the squad of space marines stood alone in the carnage. From beyond of the trees there was terrible roar as a creature that was two stories tall stormed out of into the clearing. Its skin was a pale white, with two very large scythe like limbs on its back, but if that was not bad enough the creature had blood red talons on its hands and feet too.
Never before in his life had Brutus seen such a terrifying monster, and his body shivered as though his very bones could feel the monster's roar on the ship. Captain Cordus and his squad opened fire on the creature that rushed across the clearing attempting to close as fast as possible. It reached Captain Cordus before he had a moment to back up for extra room. The two scythe like talons on the creatures back rose up, and swung down at the captain. Cordus, predicting this, took a step forward, and plunged his sword into the creature's knee. The creature swung with its hand attempting to gain space between Cordus, but to no avail as Cordus ducked under the blow then fired his plasma pistol into the creature's throat. The creature slumped down, and clutched its throat in a vain attempt to stop the plasma. In that exact moment Cordus seized his chance, and removed his sword from the creature's knee then thrusted the blade deep into the creature's chest. The monster let out one last guttural scream of agony before collapsing backwards. Cordus reclaimed his sword, and held it up high letting out a victory cry.
The blood on the blade glistened in the moonlight, and that was the last thing Brutus saw before the video was terminated.
"Well sir, I hope you know what it is expected of you now." Darius said as he stood, and Brutus only nodded. He knew there was going to be a challenge in becoming a space marine and he had heard stories, but never expected anything like that. He stood and made his way to leave the bridge. He stood just before the exit and stared at the planet one last time. He gave a praise and prayer to the God Emperor for strength to overcome the challenges that lie in his future.
"Blasted servitor!" The man mumbled as he hit the servitor's claw with a wrench. The servitor did not react and kept the same stoic expression it had before, and kept mumbling some kind of coordinates.
Brutus approached the man, "Excuse me sir? If you're not to busy can you direct me to where Flavius is?"
"If I'm not too busy? Do you know how much time it takes to keep these servitors u-" The man turned and upon seeing Brutus he snapped a quick salute, "Terribly sorry sir, I thought you were another one of the lackeys."
"Its okay, I'm new around here, but could you tell me where Flavius is?" Brutus asked once again.
"Flavius? I'm sure he left on a mission an hour ago. That reminds me you are suppose to report to the bridge right away." The man said.
"Where is the bridge?"
"Well, that doesn't surprise me here follow me." The man said, but before leading the way he tapped the servitor on the head, "Hey tincan back to work with ya." The servitor slowly rose to full height then walked down another hallway muttering numbers.
The man kept walking, and after a few moments, "Name's Darius. I'm one of the many 'human' workers that maintain the ship. Feel free to ask any of us directions or any questions you think we might know the answer to. You can identify us by this patch." Darius said as he pointed to a patch with two wrenches crossed on his shoulder. They were the same color as the Ultramarines’ horseshoe symbol.
"I’m Brutus it is a pleasure to meet you. So what exactly do you do?" Brutus asked.
"Very simple we do what we don't trust the servitors to do, maintain parts of the ship, and steer the thing. Some of us even give battle tactics and analysis. Though that falls to Lady Ciara for the most part. Lord Cordus sure knows how to pick his recruits, for they are completely dedicated to their duty and to the Emperor." He came to a door, and put his hand on the key pad, "And here were are."
The door opened and Brutus saw the large view port that allowed gazing of hundreds of stars, but one planet in particular was front and center. The planet had a greenish glow to it, and looked to be mostly land with large, but scattered pockets of water. There were many men, and a few servitors in positions rapidly typing and analyzing data.
Darius approached a teenage girl, no older than Brutus, who was sitting near a console on the far right of the bridge, "Lady Ciara." Darius said bowing, "I brought him as Lord Cordus ordered." The girl looked over her shoulder at Brutus then pointed to a console that had a screen with two seats. Darius nodded, and sat in one then motioned Brutus to the same.
When Brutus sat down he commented on Ciara’s behavior, "Not a very talkative one is she?" He looked over his shoulder to see her shoot him a quick glare then began to inform someone of tactical details.
"She is only like that when she is serving Lord Cordus, and helping others on a mission. Anyways you need to see what you're getting into."
The console flickered to life, and a screen appeared in the middle of it. On the top right was the text:
'Brother Anastasius' uplink
Planet: Magen V
Time: 19:00'
The screen showed a dense jungle, and Captain Cordus leading his squad with Flavius close behind. Anastasius was right behind them from the view his camera gave. They came to a fallen tree, just before a clearing, and Captain Cordus held a clenched fist into the air. His squad froze not moving an inch, and then Cordus motioned Anastasius to move up to the fallen tree. He did so, and raised a heavy machine gun in a ready position. The jungle was silent, and the squad scanned the area in front of them. They were waiting for something, and then suddenly Brutus could have sworn he saw a shadow at the edge of the screen dart deeper into the jungle.
Suddenly, hundreds of four legged creatures bounded out into the clearing charging the Ultramarine squad. Their roars were cut short by Brother Anastasius opening fire with his heavy machine gun mowing down as many as he could. The rest of the squad opened fire at the creatures, and cut down the first few ranks within seconds. However, they kept coming, and they were halfway across the clearing.
Cordus stepped over the fallen tree, and into the clearing brandishing a sword that gave off a light blue glow and crackled with energy. He then charged the creatures crying out, "Brothers! For the Emperor!" The rest of the squad advanced past Anastasius who soon followed keeping up his rate of fire from the rear of the squad. The creatures began to close around Cordus, who shot a pistol that discharged a blue orb.
'Plasma' Brutus thought as he watched entranced by the squad’s acts of valor and bravery in overwhelming odds. Four of the creatures leapt at Cordus their mouths open revealing sharp teeth, and paws full of sharp talons. One of the four took a blast of plasma directly to the face, and its corpse landed harmlessly behind Cordus. Then with inhuman speed he unleashed a flurry of attacks with his sword, and the other three landed on the ground with missing limbs or gaping wounds. The creatures’ numbers dwindled until there was none left, and the squad of space marines stood alone in the carnage. From beyond of the trees there was terrible roar as a creature that was two stories tall stormed out of into the clearing. Its skin was a pale white, with two very large scythe like limbs on its back, but if that was not bad enough the creature had blood red talons on its hands and feet too.
Never before in his life had Brutus seen such a terrifying monster, and his body shivered as though his very bones could feel the monster's roar on the ship. Captain Cordus and his squad opened fire on the creature that rushed across the clearing attempting to close as fast as possible. It reached Captain Cordus before he had a moment to back up for extra room. The two scythe like talons on the creatures back rose up, and swung down at the captain. Cordus, predicting this, took a step forward, and plunged his sword into the creature's knee. The creature swung with its hand attempting to gain space between Cordus, but to no avail as Cordus ducked under the blow then fired his plasma pistol into the creature's throat. The creature slumped down, and clutched its throat in a vain attempt to stop the plasma. In that exact moment Cordus seized his chance, and removed his sword from the creature's knee then thrusted the blade deep into the creature's chest. The monster let out one last guttural scream of agony before collapsing backwards. Cordus reclaimed his sword, and held it up high letting out a victory cry.
The blood on the blade glistened in the moonlight, and that was the last thing Brutus saw before the video was terminated.
"Well sir, I hope you know what it is expected of you now." Darius said as he stood, and Brutus only nodded. He knew there was going to be a challenge in becoming a space marine and he had heard stories, but never expected anything like that. He stood and made his way to leave the bridge. He stood just before the exit and stared at the planet one last time. He gave a praise and prayer to the God Emperor for strength to overcome the challenges that lie in his future.
Okay I'll work on the quotes, but I think you needed to do a bit more reading.
For example Ciara if you read more carefully Darius explains why she isn't talkative at that momment.
From what I can tell you've only read this chapter.
As for #3 what Space Marine has a flaw? From the heroic description they are basically inhuman, they lack flaws. Well besides obession, stubborness (Brutus), and the occasional taint of chaos.
Tell me, how is Brutus suppose to react? He didn't know who Darius was. He was unsure how to address him. He could have outranked him for all he knew. Pro tip: Smarting off to people who outrank you is not a good idea.
4. Now this just makes you come off jerk. At first I could understand the criticism, and was like okay. This....no. You can jump into the 5th chapter, and shake your head, but whats the point if you don't understand the background. Now you may have read the rest, but I am unaware of any evidence however.
1. Still under the impression of cliché.
2. As I said above the points, its really hard to personalize characters from Warhammer 40k lore, the reason for it you already figured out.
3. Militairy often keep it sort with 'Yes sir' etc etc, offcourse going against a high-ranking officier is not a good idea, but this is over the top, this is closely what a conversation looks like with 2 british sirs, and it just doesn't fit in the lore, (again I want to notify that its just really hard to write lore about Warhammer 40k) I could go in deeper but I don't know the full stories and Brutus background but from my impression its a boring character. But then again you have books that starts off slow, but has a great mid and end story. Still its good to know that at the moment he seems dull.
4. Indeed it wasn't nice, i'm not that kind of guy that gives fast in to postive sides, that is something you don't have to live with you can choose to ignore it. I find going hard against it motivated them more. You can be eihter 2 people, people that can't handle and give up. Or people that gets more motivated to write better as they feel a sort of rivaly to show that person that 'he absolutly can do more then expected'. What I was doing is hitting a nerve, I don't regret it. Also now I just read that this was chapter 5 meaning there are prob 4 chapters before it for me not noticing (You should put in your title chapters to prevent confusion what I just did) and therefore I do apoligize for this miss-communication. Meh
Then I took an arrow to the knee.
It won't be an arrow though......
Not sure if you trolling or that you didn't do enough research on the Warhammer 40k universe, but these following quotes:
A feeling of pride began to swell in Brutus’ chest as he had received his first compliment from a captain!
At least the Ultramarines trusted him enough to wander around the ship on his own.
Excuse me sir? If you're not to busy can you direct me to where Flavius is?
Terribly sorry sir, I thought you were another one of the lackeys.
"Its okay, I'm new around here, but could you tell me where Flavius is?" Brutus asked once again.
Feel free to ask any of us directions or any questions you think we might know the answer to.
"I’m Brutus it is a pleasure to meet you. So what exactly do you do?" Brutus asked.
Lord Cordus sure knows how to pick his recruits, for they are completely dedicated to their duty and to the Emperor.
Darius approached a teenage girl, no older than Brutus, who was sitting near a console on the far right of the bridge, "Lady Ciara.
Plasma' Brutus thought as he watched entranced by the squad’s acts of valor and bravery in overwhelming odds. (this quote is kinda: No **** sherlock)
Never before in his life had Brutus seen such a terrifying monster, and his body shivered as though his very bones could feel the monster's roar on the ship.
Are really out of character, I could go explain you why it isn't but I think googling '40 Warhammer Space Marine lore' and reading the codex of Space marines is a lot faster and more understandable. These quotes are to soft and nice for this warhammer 40k Lore, granted it is hard to write a fanfic about 40k Lore as it is hard to make unique characters but its possible.
Suggestion:
1. Do more research on warhammer lore.
2. Don't make it cliché, (Teenage girl that rarely talks which is barely your age? c'mon...)
3. Characters without flaws are boring characters, don't make your main character ( I guess that is Brutus) so hella nice.
4. If all fail, then keep making stories like this on this style, its kinda amusing how you write it... in a bad way.
Okay I'll work on the quotes, but I think you needed to do a bit more reading.
For example Ciara if you read more carefully Darius explains why she isn't talkative at that momment.
From what I can tell you've only read this chapter.
As for #3 what Space Marine has a flaw? From the heroic description they are basically inhuman, they lack flaws. Well besides obession, stubborness (Brutus), and the occasional taint of chaos.
Tell me, how is Brutus suppose to react? He didn't know who Darius was. He was unsure how to address him. He could have outranked him for all he knew. Pro tip: Smarting off to people who outrank you is not a good idea.
4. Now this just makes you come off jerk. At first I could understand the criticism, and was like okay. This....no. You can jump into the 5th chapter, and shake your head, but whats the point if you don't understand the background. Now you may have read the rest, but I am unaware of any evidence however.
A feeling of pride began to swell in Brutus’ chest as he had received his first compliment from a captain!
At least the Ultramarines trusted him enough to wander around the ship on his own.
Excuse me sir? If you're not to busy can you direct me to where Flavius is?
Terribly sorry sir, I thought you were another one of the lackeys.
"Its okay, I'm new around here, but could you tell me where Flavius is?" Brutus asked once again.
Feel free to ask any of us directions or any questions you think we might know the answer to.
"I’m Brutus it is a pleasure to meet you. So what exactly do you do?" Brutus asked.
Lord Cordus sure knows how to pick his recruits, for they are completely dedicated to their duty and to the Emperor.
Darius approached a teenage girl, no older than Brutus, who was sitting near a console on the far right of the bridge, "Lady Ciara.
Plasma' Brutus thought as he watched entranced by the squad’s acts of valor and bravery in overwhelming odds. (this quote is kinda: No **** sherlock)
Never before in his life had Brutus seen such a terrifying monster, and his body shivered as though his very bones could feel the monster's roar on the ship.
Are really out of character, I could go explain you why it isn't but I think googling '40 Warhammer Space Marine lore' and reading the codex of Space marines is a lot faster and more understandable. These quotes are to soft and nice for this warhammer 40k Lore, granted it is hard to write a fanfic about 40k Lore as it is hard to make unique characters but its possible.
Suggestion:
1. Do more research on warhammer lore.
2. Don't make it cliché, (Teenage girl that rarely talks which is barely your age? c'mon...)
3. Characters without flaws are boring characters, don't make your main character ( I guess that is Brutus) so hella nice.
4. If all fail, then keep making stories like this on this style, its kinda amusing how you write it... in a bad way.