Champion Selection (Blind Pick)
After you declined about 5 games just to piss off other people it's finally time to accept a game and join the lobby.
Instant lock in a champ like Teemo or Ezreal or Ziggs and write "top" or "mid" in chat.
But dont forget to ignore the wishes of other players!
If someone is faster then you and desires a lane chose the same lane he wants to go.
BUT NEVER FORGET TO INSTANT LOCK !
To heat up the atmosphere randomly flame your m8s as soon as you enter the champion selection. It's never too early to start a healthy flame.
Champion Selection (Draft or Ranked)
Since your real and hidden ELO is very low you will likely be the last pick. This means you can truly destroy the whole set up of your team and piss off a few premades who were waiting a long time to finally play a serious team matchup but couldnt find a 5th player. That's where your expertise comes in.
(In some cases you may be the first pick. Just make sure to ban every champion your fellows wished to play ! So don't pay attention to the lobby chat !)
Since your team will likely need a support ignore champs like Soraka, Alistar or Sona. You better pick a champion which is totally useless for the current lineup.
(Special hint: Champions like Darius, Shaco or Karthus are great for stealing kills!)
Another good way to make your teammates angry is a tactic I like to call "Trading Fake". Here's how it works:
If you witness a discussion about trading champs to get advantages in team selection just join in and tell your mates that you have the requested champ and you will trade (neither do you have the champ nor would you trade but your mates dont know by now - a real knee-slapper!)
There are a few champions which are predestined for a public like you:
- Jarvan IV > imprison your teammates in your ultimate so they cant escape
- Anivia > make sure to block an escape route of a fellow teammate with your wall of ice
- Karthus > always use the ultimate to secure kill steals, never to help your teammates in fights
- Soraka > dont bother looking around the map if someone needs your ulti, save it for yourself...nothing beats a double heal !
- Shen > tease your ulti on someone but then abort it. You will watch with joy as your teammate thinks you will be by his/her side and engages a fight while you keep standing somewhere else laughing
- Amumu and Malphite > waste your ulti for escapes not for the team !
It's also fun to play a champion for the first time! Since you have no idea how to play it your teammates will have a lot of fun watching you failing hard. But dont bother to tell them in the lobby so they could flee - tell them in-game later !
The Fun begins
After you totally ****ed up the line-up of your team feel free to reconnect a few times or be afk for a while. You are not in a hurry!
If your team has some funny ideas like invading the opponents jungle just ignore it. The enemy team won't need your help to kill them all.
(Special hint: download 3-4 huge files simultaneously while connecting to ensure your connection is really slow and 9 other people have to wait for you....AND FOR YOU ONLY!)
Be sure to shop slowly to trick your teammates in thinking you came to your senses and you won't insist on the lane you called.
(It's also fun to waste a summoner spell while standing at the spawn, try it out !)
For the top lane buy a useless item like Doran's Blade or something similar. Don't waste your money for shoes, if the enemy jungler kills you you have the oppertunity to buy more worthless **** !
(Special hint: never ever buy wards!)
Make sure to never last-hit minions, your autoattack is enough. (and it ensures that you will push the lane so your jungler has no chance to gank.)
After you fed champions like Irelia or Nasus feel free to roam your teams jungle. Your jungler wont need so many creeps and those useless buffs!
Ignore any requests your team bothers you with. They wont need your help in teamfights, for the dragon or baron!
Basically the same as top lane but always make sure to demand the blue buff by pinging all the time. Don't worry: the buff wont annoy you that long, you will donate it to the opposing ap carry sooner as you think.
Don't put pressure on the other mid-laner so he feels free to roam and double-gank your fellows !
Now this is where the fun begins!
Since your teammate relies on you, you have a lot of oppertunities to make him get killed and mad. The fun part is when you trick your team into thinking you are a support. That's how you really **** this up:
- take ap runes to secure kills ! You need that money more then the ad carry !
- always heal yourself ! Don't waste mana for healing a squishy ad carry !
- dont buy wards ! Since the opponents will focus the ad carry you likely will survive a gank !
- pay attention to your minion farm ! You won't buy any gold items so where else should you get money from except of kill steals?
You know the games where your mates realise that you are just a total useless feeding troll and they surrender after 20 minutes?
THAT'S SO 2011 !!!
We are in Season 3 now and it's time for something even more epic !
Just pretend to have any skill and concentrate really hard to play normal for a few minutes and hold the feeding back until your teammates are in the misbelief they will win this game. Then be selective and ensure that really good late-game champions of the opposing team will get fed by you. As a last resort always hide when a game-changing teamfight pops up or just stay afk after 40 minutes.
If you ever get caught in a teamfight dont panic ! Just focus the champion with the most hp, armor and magic resistence where you immediately see that you dont do any damage at all and everything will be alright. After the enemy ad carry killed the rest of your team make sure to fail-flash against a wall and endow the other team a nice ACE.
You won't believe how satisfying it is to see your team losing after 60 Minutes !
Code of behavior
Since your fellows won't accept your style of playing don't worry about any behavior and bring some tension into the game.
As we discussed earlier flaming is the cornerstone of destroying other peoples game !
Keep the flame up but back off a bit when you read sentences like "We all gonna report you" - you don't want your account to be banned since you wasted 200,-- from your parents credit card to buy fancy skins !
Just keep communicating in any other language then english and ask questions like "why don't you like my origin?" or "are you racist?". Since the others won't understand what you are saying they will continue to counter-flame you.
As we all know the chat is recorded and riot makes no differences in which language the communication occurs, so you have the oppertunity to report your fellows afterwards for racism and make their accounts getting banned easily !
I hope you enjoyed my advices ! In future you will be able to really mind**** all those pathetic players who want to play serious ! Keep it up my public friend !