Jarvan IV Humor Guide by Ellieboab
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Lore - Jarvan, the Butt Prince of Demacia.
As the royal family of Demacia for centuries, members of the Knobjockey line have spent their lives waging war against any who opposed Demacian penetration techniques. It is said that every Knobjockey is born with an anal fissure, and it is no surprise that Jarvan isn't an exception. Even though he is the first Knobjockey born to the age of the League of Legends, an online game filled with angsty teens and anime porn viewers. As his forefathers had before him, he led thick, tight, muscle-bound men into bloody engagements with Noxian ********s, and on many occasions he has bled alongside penetrated allies and ***-covered banner carriers. In his most crushing defeat, he took a raging hard dingus straight into his rear end by a Noxian battalion under the command of George "420 *** Eater" Bush.
This mistake nearly cost him his ear virginity at the hands of Poppy and her not-to-be-underestimatedly sized willy, but he was rescued by the Dauntless Rear Butt Guard, an elite Demacian ****ing force led by Jarvan's childhood companion, Dennis.
Those close to him believed that his capture changed him. Dennis was quoted as saying: He's still got a pretty big *******, but he's a bit off chops with like autism or something idk"
One day, without warning, Jarvan IV handpicked a squad of Demacia's fittest, hottest and burliest soldiers and left , vowing to find the the golden ***** flag from tales of old times. He began by reading scriptures from the Holy 420 Butt Bible -- a sacred piece of religious doctrine providing details of age old, priceless items of ancient Demacian bondage and tentacle porn. He had heard stories of the golden ***** flag. Only the true leader of Demacia could ride it. Only the truest of butt pirate of Runeterra have ever lived to tell the tale of such a riding. However, Jarvan wasn't there to ride it once. He didn't want to be ****ed by the cold, hard member of the holy anal entity.
He arrived at the place the legends told of. The Great Anal Fissure of ****macia. A chasm gaping wide, revealing the inner anal cavity the earth. Inside, held on a gold testicle stand, was the flag. The golden ***** flag. He then proceeded to leap, 60ft from the top of the fissure straight onto the flag. He removed all armor and undergarments on the way down, and managed to take the whole **** flag straight up his sphincter. From then on, he was revered by all across the lands as Jarvan, the Butt Prince of Demacia.
"if that aint a tomato then idk what i just put up my ***" - jarvan ****4, the butt prince of gaymacia
Make sure that when ulting, your golden **** flag of Demacia is placed directly in the middle of the Catacylsm you plan to unleash from your ****hole, so that after jumping up, he may land directly onto his **** flag and force the ground around him to anally fissure and hold in any unsuspecting prey.
How to Play Jarvan in 4 Steps
1. take **** up the ***, ear(s), nostril(s), mouth and last but not least, take a **** up your own ****hole.
2. give **** to anyones ***, ear(s), nostril(s), mouth or ****hole at your demand and without consent
3. shoot up heroin
4. ********* whilst choking yourself with a belt and snorting cocaine simultaneously
How to Assert Dominance on The Field of Play
Jarvan has an 11 inch *******. Use this to assert dominance.
If anyone ever insults or harasses you over any of your gameplay decisions, you, as the Butt Prince, have the necessary grounds (grounds that would hold in a Demacian court of law) to go to pound town on that stupid **********ers ***. Begin by initiating erotic roleplay. If they refuse to comply, you can then report them to Riot Games for obstruction of masturbation and not allowing you to envoke your basic right as a prince to **** nice tight young bums. You must make yourself dominant and assertive in such situations. Proceed to rape aforementioned 'stupid **********er'. And when that kid sees you crow "I raped you *****!", he'll feel violated. Dominated. Humiliated. That's what rape is about and that should scare them. You, however, are a rape master and an expert at bonding and ****ing tight ***es. Mmmhmm. Mmm. Thanks.
Maintaining Sexual Contact With Other Champions After Raping Them
Always compliment them and their hair. Always say they have a nice tight ********, even if you feel like you're throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Ask for gym progression pics and videos, and try to maintain friendly contact via cellphone or becoming friends on pornhub, or whatever the go is. Here's an example.
"Awesome ***. Great size. Look thick. Solid. Tight. Keep us all posted on your continued progress with any new progress pics or vid clips. Show us what you got man. Wanna see how freakin' huge, solid, thick and tight you can get. Thanks for the motivation." - Jarvan, the Butt Prince of Demacia