Humor Guide by Knightro
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If you've ever been to the gym, chances are you've had your run-in with these folk. This will hopefully teach you more about them, and how you can deal with them. You might need a few things though:
- An iPod, or other music device with headphones
- Tight pants
- A high tolerance of idiots
With that said, let us begin!
The Unnaturally Huge Guy
You don't know how this guy does it. He's just humongous. There's just no explanation for it. It could be steroids, it could be supplements. You have no Idea. He's just huge. Don't let him catch you staring, it fuels him. He feeds off the attention of the non-huge.
How to deal with them: Don't stare. Don't give him any attention. Don't even make eye contact. He feeds off attention. Just ignore him, and he will hopefully wander off to find other people to feed off.
The Fat Guy
He's fat. He knows it. You know it. Everyone who isn't blind can see that. Yet somehow, he can easily lift twice as much as you. Don't talk about anything involving weight. He will go out of his way to take it as an insult to make you come off as a douchebag.
How to deal with them: He fears attention. He doesn't want anyone looking at him, it took all of his courage to even come to the gym in the first place. Even a casual glance at him wrecks his nerves. Assert your dominance and you will be the alpha dog of the gym.
The guy who Does Nothing but Yell
If he's doing squats, you will know. If he's doing bench press, you will know. If he's taking a monster dump in the bathroom, YOU WILL KNOW. He can't talk in a low pitch. Everything has to be loud. His music, his voice, his conversations with his mom. Everything is really loud, and it gets really annoying, really fast.
How to deal with them: Put in your headphones and turn that volume up as loud as it takes to block him out. Not much else to do, other then hope he loses his voice and finally shuts up.
The clown on his phone
He's always on his phone. In the squat rack, in the smith machine, everywhere he's on his phone. He doesn't care where he is, or what he's talking about. If you are within earshot, you are gonna hear him blabbing about that rad party last weekend where everyone got really "effed up man" and all about that time he hooked up with the easiest chick at his school. You really wish the phone battery would just die so he'll have to leave in the middle of his workout to go charge it. He's also texting in the squat rack.
How to deal with them: Headphones are your best bet. Drowning him out with music usually solves the problem. If you forgot your iPod, then try to stay out of the same room as him.
The personal trainer
This guy is so full of himself. He thinks he's friggin' Mr. Olympia or something. He knows all the muscles, like your trapezoids and your deltoids, and after speaking with him he will make sure that you know too.
CAUTION: Try to do as little exercises in his presence as possible. The slightest fault in your form is just the excuse he's looking for to come over and point it out, and start this prepared speech about proper form and nutrition and all that ****.
How to deal with them: Only do an exercise when he's not looking, and only do exercises you have perfect form in. Any mishap is like a siren screaming for him to come over and teach a "noob" how to maintain form and stuff.
The Bodybuilding Chick
She's really hot. She also lifts so much weight she makes you look like the girl. You might be a little taller then her, but you've got almost no shot whatsoever. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try though. This is just one of life's many challenges.
How to impress: She doesn't impress easily. You need to be doing more weight then her, show her who's boss. She won't even glance if you are doing less weight then her. Make sure you have proper form though, nothing is more embarrassing then a guy whose trying too hard and has bad form.
The Mirror *****
If there is a mirror, this guy is hogging it. He's checking himself out. He's in love with himself. He just can't help it. If he could, he would clone himself and then proceed to do unspeakable things to himself. It's quite annoying when you check your form in the mirror and all you can see is him drooling over himself.
How to deal with them: Not really much to do, he's not paying attention to you anyways. Or anyone else for that matter. Just lift on the other half of the room so you don't have to deal with him blocking your view.
The guy who was really skinny in high school
You remember him. Chances are, he also remembers you. He used to be that skinny little nerdy dude who you used to pick on. USED TO BE. Somewhere, probably between the insults and wedgies that guy changed, and it wouldn't be a stretch to think that his anger towards you was his primary fuel for this change.
How to deal with them: If he's still smaller then you, then avoid all contact. If he's bigger then you, avoid all contact WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. If he confronts you, act like you don't know/remember him. If he uses an example of being bullied by you to jog your memory, he's definitely itching for some revenge. GTFO.
The chick who does her squats
Not as strong as the bodybuilding chick, but what you wouldn't do to have a shot with her. Too bad she's way out of your league, and she knows it. Unless you are in fact the Unnaturally Huge Guy, you don't have a chance. You can always hope, but you're fishing in the wrong river, with dead bait. And it's raining.
How to deal with them: Do NOT, let her catch you staring. She will confront you, and it will be extremely uncomfortable. When she's not paying attention, sneak a quick peek, but good god be discreet about it.
He will not admit to it. It's really obvious though. The bulging veins on his arms, neck and entire being don't lie. This guy is on every supplement and performance-enhancing substance known to man. Do not talk about anything remotely close to that subject. Roid-monkeys tend to have short fuses and you do NOT want to provoke him into a drug-
How to deal with them: Avoid at all costs. If he asks how many sets you have left, tell him you just finished and give whatever weights you're using up immediately. He is the alpha dog, but fortunately he's too stupid to know it. Hope he never figures it out.