Note - strong language and slurs follow
The following is a parody containing strong language and slurs, meant to capture some more common gaming experiences more accurately than the Summoner's Code as given on the League of Legends website.
Ok, so maybe you're a n00b. We've all read through The Summoner's Code. But after playing a few games, you probably have noticed that it mostly isn't being followed at all.
As someone who's been playing for a while, let me let you in on the secret. It's really a gullibility test. It's a fake. A hazing ritual. We want to see if you're n00b enough to fall for it. If you've stopped falling for it, then you're half the way there, congratulations.
However, this isn't to say that there is no summoner's code. No, the *real* Summoner's Code is kept in a secret vault, and it is only shown one page at a time to one person at a time, to promptly be memorized before it is returned to storage. An oath of secrecy is sworn, and no one is allowed to share it with the general public, or else the n00bs would find out and we'd not be able to tell the n00bs from the pr0s anymore.
The more pages a player has been allowed to memorize, the more clearly their experience shines through. Though the *real* Summoner's Code is, to put it lightly, a treatise on tough love, ultimately it is love for The League that is the lifeblood of the True Summoner's Code.
I take considerable personal risk in exposing this to daylight, but ultimately, it is my faith in humanity that inspires me to share this information to all. As photocopies are prohibited and the League continues to grow, more and more promising players are left in the dark as the days go by.
Enough is enough. The code can stand up to the light of day. There can be no mistaking a n00b for a pr0, even if the n00b tries to follow the code. For the code is a discipline, not a script. It takes real heart, determination, and will to do the right thing to follow the *true* Summoner's Code. Read on, if you truly want to make the League great.
I. Supports Can Go **** Themselves
Thanks for nothing, Sorakunt. I died because of you. - Master Yi
lolol, I have more health points than you Alistar. Some tank! - Fizz
Ok, so I hope you insta-locked a carry at the start of the match. If you're in a duo lane, then the first thing you should do is start an all-out fight with whomever you find there. Do you have a support with you? It doesn't matter, whomever you're with should save you in any case. No need to bother with strategy, because that Soraka with you should have 98% CDR and 500mp5 at level 1. Never mind that that's literally impossible, just call her a shemale sparkle *******. If she's all like, "haven't you ever heard of mana or cooldowns?", just say, "noob report".
Or maybe you have an Alistar with a Philosopher's Stone, Boots of Speed, and Heart of Gold on your team. Maybe he's been saving everyone's *** from Twitch all game with red wards and well-timed crowd control. Should you thank him? **** no. Wait for him to die, and then give him a verbal *****slap, \all chat being better than team chat. Say, "Alistair is 0/5/9, what a ****ty tank. Look at him, I have more health than he does and I'm Fizz". Or better yet, "lol we have no tank i have more health". Hey, you *earned* that Catalyst. Does support Alistar have any idea how hard it is to farm mid for a catalyst on a map that someone else thoroughly warded for him? Does he know how hard it is to rake in cash from free kills someone else set up for him? Of course not. So you might as well let him assume that it's really, really hard and that you're just that good, despite his best efforts to **** you over by being squishy early-mid game.
Eventually, that Alistar will farm up three or four tank items, so you won't be able to ***** about him not being a tank anymore. Luckily, he'll probably finish the game 4/9/23, giving you four golden opportunities to give him hell for ksing you. It doesn't matter if they were in danger of getting away or if his only alternative was to sit around taking turret fire while waiting for you to maybe or maybe not get your cooldowns refreshed in time. That just means that if he really *does* get zero kills, then you'll be able to ***** at him for letting the enemy get away, instead. It's a win/win scenario.
This may seem harsh, but it's the only way that they'll get better. If you set attainable goals, then there is the risk that they will attain them and become complacent. This is why supports, being the most important part of the team, must always receive the ****tiest treatment, with tanks receiving the second-worst.
II. Constructive Feedback Is For Poke***s
u suck - Tryndamere
Our Leona is a really great tank... FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! - Triumph, the insult comic dog
You ever read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn? zomg, it's a book for realz. Anyway, one of its most memorable lines is, "With man gone, will there be hope for gorilla?" It's a koan, in that it is an ambiguous quote meant to be puzzled over and worked through: does it mean to ask if gorillas will be at risk if man were to go extinct, or does it mean conversely that hope for the gorilla lies *only* in the extinction of mankind?
Similarly, your feedback should be much the same. Here's an example of what *not* to do:
"Hello there, mate. Next time we're outmanned like that, would you mind hugging the turret a bit? Cheers."
" Katarina, I'm afraid Alistar isn't going to let you get away with ulting unless he blows his CCs or is silenced first. Next time, how about I ping when I want to initiate with Feral Scream? It'll be lovely, I assure you."
"I can tell that you're a bit concerned about the enemy team getting Baron, Sona, but right now it's just you and I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. Please fall back and defend."
"Oh Caitlyn dearest, would you mind targeting Master Yi first next time? It would be a shame to waste such firepower on Rammus, if it can at all be helped."
" Vladimir dearest, your pool is quite valuable as an escape mechanism, so please save it for a vital moment."
" Jaxypoo, you'll have much better luck landing your stun if you time it with Leap Strike, perhaps even attacking from the bushes. It would be a shame to waste such a valuable skill on such a long cooldown on simple farming, with so many foes around these days."
No. No. No. NO. How will they learn from that? They won't. You're not helping them by spoonfeeding. You're shutting down their critical faculties in their very infancy, dooming them to complacence and failure forever. And it's too much typing anyway. Here's something better:
"omg sona. uninstall right now"
"EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SONA!"
"WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING SONA I ASKED YOU A QUESTION"
"Y U FEED SONA?!?!?"
"\all report sona for feeding"
"\all report sona for feeding and ignoring teammates"
"\all ****ing ****jew sona losing the game"
"\all go play pokemon ***** fml"
Ironically, it turns out that vacuous, ragey, destructive criticism is, in the end, the most constructive criticism of all. It's a Taoist kind of thing, if you dig it. By giving them nothing, you give them themselves. By tearing them down, you build them up. We were all new to the game once, and that's not an excuse for anything. If you're the second-worst feeder on your team, furthermore, you need to help out the worst feeder that much more to compensate. That is why you usually see this trend of the second-worst player being a monumental **** to the worst player - it's all in the code, baby.
Your feedback should always take the form of a puzzle wrapped in an enigma wrapped dog turds wrapped in sexuality- and race-based insults, and served to them doused in gasoline and set on fire with your middle finger extended.
III. Civil Discussion Is For Canadians And Queermosexual Buddhistards
OMG STFU SELL UR HEXDRINKER BUY A ****ING WRIGGLES LANTERN RIGHT NOW OR ILL REPORT YOU!!!!!!1 - Sivir
IV. Trash Talk the **** Out of That *****
i ****ed ur mom - Tryndamere
i tried to fling ur mom but she had a banshee's veil... no wait she was just that fat - Singed
fail harder ******s - Riven
u mad bro? - Shaco
Who doesn't like a nice, easygoing game of LoL? Well, no one gives a **** what everyone *likes*. You can't be the best by enjoying yourself. The moment things get pleasant, you kick back, have a beer, and let everything go to **** because you're too busy wanking around with a *game* when you *should* be competing on the Fields of Justice for the ultimate prize: Elo. So stir things up, fling some ****, be a total *******, and may the most ironclad stomach win.
V. Relationships? Those Are Gay
I rely only on myself. And pigs. - Sejuani
You should build relationships sparingly, if at all. Like Sejuani, you become stronger the more you train in isolation, unburdened by n00bz and human attachment. By following the above rules already spelled out, you should be well on your way to alienating all but the most worthy company... and that's how you win.
VI. Rub It In or Point the Finger
\all pentaraped all day gg ***s - Tryndamere
\all ****ing feeder Akali - Corki
When you win, rub it in. If you're feeling clever, ask them if their champ is on free week. The weak will uninstall, and the strong will come back stronger, in turn challenging you and making you stronger. Don't be a sissy-*** hand-holding therapist ****. That's not your job. Your job is to hog all the buffs and win the game. And if you don't win the game, let the guilty party know who they are.
VII. Indignance, **** Yeah
ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! ENDLESS RAGE! - Tryndamere
If you reply to aggression with indignance, you're doing it wrong. Beat them to the punch every time. Just like first blood is worth the most gold, the first act of verbal aggression gives you the moral high ground every time. Let those **********ers know what's up.
VIII. **** N00bz (not literally, they all have AIDS)
My parents died and now I've got super powers. Lemons and lemonade, yo. Life's a *****, but I'm *****ier. - Vayne
No one was ever nice to you when you were new, so **** that. Just think back on all the abuse you had to put up with when you were going 1/6/2 in your first PVP games. Or maybe you had those numbers in bot games, even, because you never played DotA or maybe you never played much in the way of action-oriented PC games before. People probably asked if you were 8 and told you to uninstall all the time. Probably called you a jewqueervestite or chinabeaner or worse.
It made you a better summoner, right? If it didn't, then **** you. You probably voted for Jimmy Carter. Go uninstall and watch reruns of Mister Rogers, ***.
IX. Lead By Example
Who wants a piece of da champ? "The Champ" is what I call my ****. And by "a piece", I mean "the whole thing, in ur ********". - Jax
If you’re like us and you share a vision of a game world in which players kick each other in the balls, tear each other down, and make mortal enemies, you’ve got to start picking those fights long before anyone else is willing or able to do so, using any pretext available. It’s all well and good to join the fighting after the fact, but if you don’t start the fight, no one will remember you as the one who started it all. You have to be perfect. Everyone has to be perfect. And if they are perfect, make some **** up and tear them down anyway. It's a dog-eat-dog summoner's rift out there, so every summoner for himself.
So keep raging.