I: Introduction

So you want to win a game, and put some rusty balls of steel into peoples brainpan. I can relate. Everyone likes winning, why do you think I'm so god **** happy all the time. If you don't agree with this playstyle or build, just move on and go lose some more games, because you are not worthy of the title Winbeard.

I don't like to go into runes and masteries too in depth, so the only thing I'll stress here is crit damage/crit rate with a secondary focus on cooldown reduction. You will be getting big fat crits all up ins. Whether you want them bigger and fatter, or more up ins, is all on you.

As Winbeard, you want to have a really good sense of situational awareness. If you don't notice that sneaky MFing Cho'Gath coming up behind you, you may as well go turn yourself in to the marines, because you're just a Failbeard, and won't be gatting anyone. You will be like the wind, running up and down the field and putting caps in posteriors all over the map. If at all possible, have another carry in your lineup, but if you can't you can pull your weight as well.

Summoner spells to love: (I go with Clarity Teleport, or Ghost Exhaust depending)
Teleport: Zone control is key, always. Especially if your goal is to lay down pot shots and support other carries.
Flash: Nice for those "Surprise nyukka!" moments, but I prefer ghost in most situations here, especially with this item build.
Ghost: Super fun, as you're motering along like a mofo anyway, and it's an excellent way to draw enemies away from the main fight because if you do it right, you should be a juicy target. No one can resist 1000g, even if it's moving at 9999 MS.
Exhaust: Gives you an extra couple swings, and usually enough time for another Parrrlay shot. Do you hear that? That's the sound of a pistol cocking.

Summoner spells to avoid:
Cleanse: You have a skill that's one better.
Ignite: You either explode someone with the wrath of a thousand drunken pirates on shore leave, or hit them once and run. No need for this, no close fights.
Rally: You move far too much for this to be of real use.
Smite: You have a skill that's one better.

"Dude, man, like, why that piece? Why not this one. Like, I want to carry dude, I'm the Captain."

Go smoke a bowl and watch your dog lick his balls. You do not have a PHD in Glocking. Let me give you a prescription in pain.

Take one Meki pendant and a couple draughts of healing grog. Early mana regen mean even MORE dakka, and thus more duckets, and thus you can jump quickly to step two. Note that this will turn into a chalice as soon as you can manage without ****ing up your rush to some dakka. Preferably after brutalizer and before IE, but it's your call.

First trip back you want your customary boots 1 and then to get as much of a brutalizer as possible. CDR Pen and damage? Yes ****ing please. So cheap, so effective, and the extra parrrlay spam is tangible.

Next trip back, buy yourself some boots of mobility and an infinity edge. "Woah now Condon, I think I should be getting more attack speed. I am after all a big scary carry." You stupid git. Do you not know who you're playing? Winbeard does what he wants, and what he wants is for Parrrlay to do all the damage. Ever. Period. Extra speed means extra chances to put holes in peoples faces. If you're sneaky you can hit and run from the bushes or around corners w/ wards or vision or balls the size of my car. Sheet. You be all up in *****es like Tampax.

After that, you're going to want to swing into the big ticket items. Infinity edge, and then whatever else you feel like having that requires a BF sword. If you end up eating a lot of stuns/nukes/pain in the beard, consider, as always, a banshees veil.

Now, you should be doing anwhere from a **** lot to a poop-tonne damage with your parrrlay. That's right, you put holes like basketballs in people, for almost no mana with a very minor cooldown. The fact that you're squishy as all hell and move a million miles an hour is not only good for comic effect, but encourages people to chase you around the map so team battles end up being 4v4 or 4v3 in your favor. You can still ult while you're being chased. Winbeard strikes again.

If you really want to be a ******nozzle, and the game goes long, get a phantom dancer for speed, survivability, and so you can chew up towers like MFing popcorn. Keep in mind late game you will go, quite suddenly in the mind of the enemy, from an in and out annoyance to an uber melee carry.

Parrrlay
Scurvy
Parrrlay
Morale
Parrrlay
Barrage
Parrrlay
Morale
Parrrlay
Max morale, get barrage, and THEN max scurvy

You want Parrlay as big as possible, as quickly as possible. One rank of Scurvy to get the debuff removal effect, which you can skip if you think you're safe in your lane in favor of morale. Don't bother wasting mana early putting morale up, as the percentage bonuses wont help your early game ally enough for it to be a huge deal.

A quick breakdown, because some things need explaining.

(Q)Parrrlay: Your bread and butter. Favorite skill, most lethal, and while it isn't the scariest, it's definatly the one that will get you the most kills.

The way this skill works is kind of tweaky, and oh so fun to abuse. You take a chunk of your attack damage (Which later on is lots) and then make it ranged. Somewhere in this process, you trigger on skill use items, like arch staff and Mallet. Also sheen, but that's been nerfed to hell and I just don't find it incredibly useful anymore.

"I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say it triggered on use effects. So you think I'm ******ed? Why does that matter?" Calm down Timmy. No one gives a **** about the taxi driver. The point here is, it applies delicious effects like lizard or frozen mallet.

Yes. Soak it in. That tingly feeling you're getting in your inner bits may be strange and confusing, but at least if you get caught playing Winbeard you wont get a dirty look from your Mother.

(W)OM Nom nom: Minor heal, and a cleanse. Pretty straight forward. The cleanse is the big deal here, the health comes in handy later when you have a golem buff if you ditch the bloodthirsters, but thats about it, so you only need one rank for quite some time.

(E) Raise Morale: Nice little attack/move speed boost, and the ability to deny creep if you're getting really cheeky early game and you laned with someone with a mana manip. Not as important early game, but late game it can turn your rag tag team of misfits into the MFing A-Team. Dah dah duh dah, DUN DUN DUHHH. Dah da da-da, Ba na, da daaaa. Etc etc.

(R)Barrage: Yo-ho, and a bottle of win. AoE damage and slow, anywhere on the map? Sold. This is a very easy skill to use well, and a very complicated skill to use masterfully.

Lets examine the facts: Moderate damage per hit, completely random, large area, with a small slowing effect.
Alright, super cool. Sounds awesome. Oh, wait, random. You can have someone walk through the entire ****-storm without taking a hit, or have one person hit three times back to back right on the edge.

That being said, it's a powerful skill when used properly, but can be completely ineffective all the same.

I usually end up using it differently at each stage of the game, although as always, you really have to be aware of whats going on, and the best application in your specific game.

Early: I tend to watch other lanes, and use it as support for early kills. The damage is considerable if you get two hits, and it will clear minions out, which is huge for early game kills. The people you are laning against may expect it, I find I have much more success with the other lanes. Communication is key here.

Mid: When you start running around ganking, there are two main ways to use this powerful mid game skill.
A) Throw it along an enemy escape route as you run towards them. If you lay the AoE right on top of them they will just run through the edge and hope to avoid the barrage hits, but if you block off their lane, they have no choice but to turn and fight you and your lanemates.
B) Continue to use it as support, with the added bonus that the lane you blow it on usually expects whoever is off the map to be lurking in the bushes, leaving the opposite lane ripe for a bushwhacking.

Late: This is the difficult one. You will be tempted to drop bombs like a pissed off western power during teamfights. Don't. Use this to catch those ******bag carries that almost get away, or to block off an escape route. Nothing quite like watching someone flee after you Gat them for 3/4s of thier health and then finishing them with omgwtf cannonballs. This can be the difference between a minor annoyance during a teamfight and negating the carry's escape mechanism, winning you a free push.

Also, theres a nice satisfying pirate Chuckle.

Are you ready kids?

I can't heaaaar youuuu.

Who runs out to a side lane with a partner in tow? Captain Winbeard!
Who last hits with parrrlay and slices the foe? Captain Winbeard!
If plenty of booty is something you wish,
Then stay with their casters and stab like... a... fish.

Alright, point being, be aggressive enough that you control the last hits with parrrlay, and keep them in fear of your errant sword swings. Hopefully your lanemate has a stun, as before you get a few ranks in parrrlay and your brutalizer, you're not entirely effective. Avoid early deaths as much as possible, but remember as always that an aggressive playstyle with a focus on gold farming is key in pulling ahead mid game, where Gankplank shines.

If you're laning against good defensive heroes, or ones with a heal, or really anyone that's playing defensive, focus on plundering the creeps for their delicious gold-meats. If you have an aggressive twiggy character trying to control the lane, teach that ho a lesson with a few pot shots to the face. If they keep trying to **** with you, arrange an early kill with your lanemate, and then proceed to keep them at about half. They'll think twice about interrupting your farming again, and as always, when you own a lane, you'll be gimping the enemy. Remember kids! It's not all about making yourself t3h uberhugeomgwtfcarry winallalone causeimawesome. It's about being better than them. If they're weakling ****, you can be doing sub par and still roll them.

Mid game: If you're doing well in your lane, by all means stick around. Toss out supportive Barrages when needed, but keep farming up, unless someone gets in trouble. When you get your infinity edge, it's time to go knock some teeth out *and not the adorable "I don't get any oranges" way, the painful "Oh god there's lead in my face help me superman" way.* Feel free to run right into a lane and gat someone. Don't bother being sneaky. Sneaking is for Ninjas. You do what you want, because a pirate is free, and you are a pirate.

When Gankplank runs out of the ravine and shoots you in the face, you do one of three things:
A)Run screaming back to your tower (The team mate in that lane now has a dual advantage of a free creep wave to farm, maybe two, and the constant threat of random lead ventalation coming from the bushes to keep his enemy in check.)
B)Turn and throw a stun on you, either to kill you, or to kill your ally, who is no doubt charging in with bloodlust clouding their vision. You eat an orange, laugh, shoot them in the face, laugh again, and then probably get a kill off. The key here is timing. Let them commit to coming at you with whatever they have. If they have two CC skills, let them use both, hell, if you know they have exhaust, wait for that ****. The thing to remember here is that not only are you going in for a kill, but if that fails you're eating their mana/cooldowns without any real harm being done to you, other than a possible trip home.
C)Turn and run right at him, because he's just a widdle Gangplank. Hes got biiiig long green bars and can't possibly take a punch like a man. Wrong. He will shoot you in the god **** face and then use exhaust while his ally runs up behind you so you can throw the pirate version of a robot ****house on them. By now you should do a considerable amount of damage with your Parrrlay alone, and two or three free auto attacks before the blind wears off is enough to cause most heroes to turn and burn, in which case you give them some more lead asperin, or you toss out barrage in their path and finish the job with your sword.

People to focus Ganking: Remember those folks you left alone early? With the heals and the defensive skills? Your passive makes you a de-facto ****storm for these tools. Soraka, Taric, even Alistar will find themselves unexpectedly lacking flesh around the rectal area, as you are kicking their *** so hard. Thick players also tend to play it very close before they run, making them perfect candidates for a good Gat blast.

It is good to note that this skill is exceptionally good at dealing with stealthers, most notably twitch, who tend to be twiggy and slow relative to their massive damage output. I've never met a twitch I couldn't drop Barrage on and finish with a gat. You just gat, ult, run in and slice him up real nice, finish with another gat if he lives that long. Do try to start right after he pops out of stealth though.

People to avoid Ganking: Royal Marines. Those *******s have their **** together. Everyone else is pretty much fair game though. But seriously, unless you have exhaust up, you're just harassing anyone with an escape mechanism. Which is fine, but don't go too balls deep for the kill. This is one character I proscribe playing slightly more defensive on, if only in that you don't want to chase unless your Parrlay is going to finish them.

Of note: If you have a more suitable carry on the team, focus on running interference and slowing up the other team, playing a bit more defensive. The reason you're running around now is to free up a solo lane for your lane mate, and to sow havoc, maybe earn your allies a couple kills. This also allows you to scout for good barrage targets while you're running around. If you're the team carry, or you're queueing solo and don't trust the *******, go for easy kills, and keep as far up whoever you consider to be the anchor on the enemy team's *** as you can fit your pistol.

At this stage, it's mostly team fights and big pushes. Which is just groovy. You move rediculously fast with or withour morale, and with the comfort blanket of Scurvy, you can run up into gat range during stand offs and make holes in someone, or at least draw some of the stun out of their line for when your initator runs in. The key to a good pirate during team fights is patience. You don't want to just drop Barrage and pop morale right away. Heres why:

Barrage: As I've said above, the effect in a team fight is nothing comared to the damage you can do with this skill as a zone control tool, and to catch escaped heroes. A few situational uses arise late game, such as clearing out minions that are ****ing with one of your lanes, or destroying a well established Heimerdinger's turrets. It takes him way more than two minutes to build up those blasted little hidey holes.

Morale: You don't get the full effect of the speed boost if you're stunned, or if you're not moving anywhere. Save it for when the fight is breaking off, hopefully to help your team chase down fleeing enemies and pull ahead on that razor thin fight they have going, but also to help you all get the hell out of dodge if things take a bad turn.

Try not to blow scurvy too early either, unless you're sure to be doomed, or you can help an ally with a quick Parrrlay. The skill is generally too useful to marginalize with a set strategy though, so go with your gut. Sometimes its better just to avoid the first stun and chew up a caster.

Mostly, you get to do what you want here. People will make some terrible, terrible choices at this stage. They still see you as the hit-and-run twiggy looking support character. They will attack you, run after you, and overall try to take you down for a multitude of reasons, one of which may and should be that you've been singing sea shantys and shouting "YA HARRRRR" in all chat whenever you have time.

You are, however, a booty-snatchin bullet-spittin ***-kicking machine. You'll note that you do aproximately all the damage ever. Throw morale in, and you can eat a tower in seconds, from full. People will get tunnel vision and throw themselves at you to "get that last hit in" completely forgetting you have a self heal and most likely life steal. You kill two or three of them, pick a lane, and morale your way to their inhib.

So we have the evolutionary chain come full circle. Dr. Glock at the start, spitting bullets and avoiding confrontation, Gankplank at mid, punching holes and taking names, and then Winbeard at the end, scourge of the three lanes.

No Q&A this time, too long as it is. Happy hunting.

Updated for new patches/Parrrlay change, again. Removed Sheen. God speed little guy, maybe you'll be useful again someday if they bring back the glory of Winbeard, instead of this hollow shell of a carry.