Welcome to League of Legends. The first thing you must do is create a name. Chances are, you already have one. Delete it and start over, it's not good enough. You have to make a name that is inspiring, terrifying, and that represents who you are as a unique individual. I suggest using a name from pop culture. What shows individuality and intelligence more than something that everyone knows about? Such good names may be a sports team, or an action hero, or a myth from the past. If some jackass has already taken it, feel free to add numbers, especially if they are your birth date. That will prove that it's you. Who else was born in 1987, anyway? Good names include things like Redsox1989 and Sephiroth88187, or Leonidas21. Now that you have an awesome and unique name, let's get into the gameplay mechanics.

Gold is one of the most important resources in LoL. It allows you to buy items, which increase your stats. More importantly, however, they look pretty on the bottom left hand corner of your screen. This should always be your primary concern when choosing items- How bad-*** they look. Who cares if you deal that extra hundred points of damage if you can't have that kick-*** hat as Tryndamere?

Gold is earned in several ways. You can kill enemy champions (More on that later, but needless to say, this should be your primary objective at level 1. Always attack enemy champions.), you can kill minions (This is not suggested. Minions give very little gold, and they're also not champions.), killing turrets (Don't try this one, more on that later) and killing mobs in the jungle. (This one is second best, after killing champions.)

However, it's not all fun and games- Earning gold is hard, so managing it is an art all it's own. There are two different but viable strategies.

The first is Buying Everything Early. With this strategy, what you want to do is buy things immediately, as soon as you have gold. NEVER save gold or go with a so called "build". It's called a "build" because you have to waste time "building" items with your hard earned gold, when you could be out killing n00bs. I suggest Doran's items. Not only do they have great stats, but they are relatively cheap and don't have the option to build into anything else, thereby eliminating the temptation to try it. The best build for any character is 6 Doran's rings. And since they are so cheap, you could fill out your set by level 10, making you an utter powerhouse while those other idiots only have one or two items.

The next strategy is to Hoard Gold. This is where you buy absolutely nothing until you have the gold for expensive items. NEVER buy an item when you first enter the game- That just wastes the money you could have for later! Fight the enemies until you get around (depending on your character), 4000-5000 gold and then immediately buy Trinity Force. After that, buy more of them using the same strategy. Usually I would suggest never buying anything but Doran's items, but this tactic allows you to skip over the entire "building" phase!

These are all there to distract you from the real challenge, enemy champions. Minions are little midgets that run around and fight each other. There is no point in attacking them since they kill each other off anyway, and the gold they give isn't worth the effort. When someone destroys an inhibitor, larger minions appear. These are the same thing, but bigger. It is a mathematical fact that it is impossible to kill a super minion, even with a full party of 5 level 18 champions.

Towers are also distractions. You should never attack a tower. Minions, again, do that for you anyway. Towers shoot at the closest thing to them, and always aim at champions last, until you hit an enemy champion. Use this to your advantage and run to enemy champions and hit them- You'll be safe up until that point! There will be more on turret-diving later.

The Jungle is the area that is not a lane. It is full of monsters that give a lot of experience and gold. There will be more on the jungle later, but for now, I will discuss the monsters found in the jungle. The first ones you should fight are the wraiths, always. They're ghosts, so they can't touch you. The next ones are the wolves. They're just wolves. There is also a pair of golems, but there's only 2 of them so it's not worth your time. You may notice monsters with circles around them. One is a lizard, the other is a golem. DO NOT try to kill them. They give out buffs, but it only lasts, like, a minute and it sucks. If you ever see anyone trying to kill them, immediately call them out for being a n00b in teamchat. If an enemy is taking one, leave the area immediately and let them get stuck with the ****py buff. It serves them right for not knowing better.

There are two more jungle monsters- The first is a dragon. He's a *****, and you should be able to one shot him by around level 8. To show how much of a badass you are, you should be near the enemy team when you do it. They won't know what to think when they see you single-handedly kill a dragon right in front of them! Get them to chase you there if you have to, their reaction is SO worth it.

The map is divided into three areas. There are the bases, the lanes, and the jungle.

Base- This is where you spawn and buy items. You should always leave your base when enemy champions are inside of it. All you'll do is get cornered and die, and then you'll end up respawning there to continue the cycle. Besides, you've got like 8 turrets in there to kill the enemy champions. Why would you want to try to stay at a place so well defended on it's own?

Lanes- Lanes are for n00bs. This is where minions and turrets fight each other, and is therefore entirely useless to you. Some people stand near turrets. That's because they are cowards. When you see someone doing this, you should always try to kill them, immediately. They're fraidy-cats, and what is more terrifying that someone attacking them in a place where they think they are safe? Fear is your most powerful weapon in League. This is called Turret Diving, and is the best strategy in the game. Use the turret's mechanics to your advantage. They will always attack minions until you hit an enemy champion, so run right up to them and go for it! Levels 1-5 are the best time to do this because it is when they will least expect it.

The Jungle- This is where you should always be. It is filled with those juicy jungle monsters. The best way to do this is to spread out, with everyone in different parts. That way, your team can kill more jungle monsters at the same time! And once again, I can not stress this enough, NEVER fight a monster with a magic circle around it. It will waste not only your own time, but the time of your team.

Everyone chooses summoner spells at the beginning of the game, but you may be asking yourself "Which spell is right for me?". Well, that's what I'm about to discuss.

Clairvoyance- This spell is extremely useful. Put it in the middle of a lane and see what your minions are doing. Don't use it on a bush or in the river. You should be in the jungle anyway, so you can just check those on your own. Always make this a summoner spell.

Clarity - A worthless spell. If you're out of mana, you're doing something wrong. Never use it.

Cleanse This is a spell for *******. It removes the stuns and snares of enemy attacks. If you're removing enemy abilities, then you're clearly not good enough to fight them one on one. Picking this spell means that you are a loser who doesn't know how to play.

Exhaust - This is another spell to avoid. It slows down enemies, which means it just takes them longer to get to you so you can kill them.

Flash This is actually a very good spell. It should be used to teleport into an enemy's turret to turret-dive them. It gets you there faster, so you don't need to waste time running by minions.

Fortify This is another great spell. Use it whenever it is available. The best thing about it is that it puts a bubble over your tower, which looks really cool and scares the enemy champions. Remember, fear is your best weapon.

Ghost - This spell is terrible. Sure, you run faster, but flash is always better for getting into those turrets.

Heal - See Clarity, if your health is low you're doing it wrong. You should never get hit in League of Legends, and if you do you are a failure.

Ignite This is the best initiator in the game. It does damage over time, so it hurts them while you're killing them! Always use it immediately before a fight, to get the most out of it's damage.

Rally - This drops a flag. Back in the old days, warriors used to have battle standards, which were flags that showed how bad-*** they were. Always drop this near a mage, because they have low attack damage and this will help even them out.

Revive If you die, you're doing it wrong.

Smite This hits minions for a bit of damage. You should never be hitting minions, since you should always be in the jungle. Don't take it.

Teleport Always use this to get back to base. Never press B if you have this spell, because that takes way more time! The sooner you get to base, the sooner you can run back into the jungle.

Enemy Champions are the main objective of this game. Kill them whenever you see them. Turret-diving is always the best way to go, but there are a few other strategies that work well.

If there are two or more, I suggest jumping into the middle of them and fighting. They will be so distracted by their friends that you will have a good chance of killing them all! The more enemies there are in one place, the better the odds of this trick working. It is important to note, however, that you must spread your attacks out amongst them evenly, so they all die at once. Otherwise some of them might be able to run away.

If there are two or more of your allies around, this is what is known as a "team fight". More will be explained later, but you should never be in a "team fight." this is for the same reason as above- It is too distracting and confusing. Players work best when they are alone.

Sometimes, enemies get the ****py jungle buffs. You should always attack them when they have these, just to rub in their face how dumb they were for getting it. Never run away from a fight. Doing that makes you a *****, and you may as well be standing on a turret or fighting in a lane at that point. The only reason you should leave a fight is if an ally comes in and starts attacking. Remember, team fights are bad for everyone involved, so help your partner out and leave before you distract them.

The best teamwork is staying away from your team. It's too confusing to have that many players in one spot. You should always be as far away from them as possible, in the other end of the jungle. If all of you are spread out, your odds of finding and killing an enemy become that much better!

Remember, avoid "team fights" whenever possible. Leave immediately if you see someone using one of the above strategies, such as turret diving or fighting several enemies at once. Once your minions kill all of the enemy turrets up to the base, it is time to use some different tactics. Each member of your team should split up and turret-dive each side of the base, making it impossible for the enemy team to escape.

That is just about everything a new player needs to know to be the very best League of Legends player. However, I must bring up one more note that isn't strictly about the game- Proper gaming etiquette.

Gaming Etiquette dictates that you should treat others with dignity and respect, even the enemy team. Respecting their intelligence means berating them whenever they fail to meet the above guidelines. If they were smart, they wouldn't be doing such stupid things, and reminding them of their failure helps them improve. Simple phrases like "You dumbass" and "****ing n00b" does them a world of help to remember how best to play. And of course, you don't want to waste their time, so spelling and grammar are secondary to getting out your words of encouragement. Good examples would be "y u feedin u fckin idiot" and "stfu ***".

Remember the above tips and techniques, and I'm sure that you will be a great League player. Good luck and have fun.