The Creative Corner

[quote=Rudmed]Here is a little scrap, so I hope you enjoy. Comment and critize. "Hey did anyone else hear that?" Gordon asked. I listen closely, and I could hear an unintelligible moan with the sound of twigs breaking. "There is more than one, of whatever it is, but this one is close," Thomas said as he reached for his pistol. Suddenly a pale white figure shambled out from behind the trees behind Borge. It suddenly grabbed Borge, and was trying to bite him. "Get off of me you bastard!" Borge yelled as he grabbed his combat knife, and stabbed the creature in the neck. The creature grip held strong for a moment, but then slipped as death slowly took it. "Someone mind telling me why these monsters are already here?" Borge asked. "Who knows, but we had better get...Incoming!" Durston yelled as a bright ball of fire suddenly busted through the trees just missing Gordon. More moans were heard, and the sound of many feet running at a frenzied pace was soon heard. I looked deeper into the forest only to find, that there were hundreds of creatures charging at our position. I turned to the squad and yelled, "We're screwed leg it!" After an hour of running we came across a cabin, and found the door was unlocked. We entered searching for supplies, and I found myself a lever action rifle with some spare ammunition. Then we heard the familiar sound of the creatures and were forced to flee once again. We soon came across the corpse of a hunter, who had met our pursers earlier. Thomas relieved the dead of his compound crossbow with a scope attachment. Eventually we found ourselves at some kind of military outpost, and we decided that this would be a good place to hole up. Borge turned on his pistols flashlight, "We should look for some kind of armory or security department for ammo at least." I agreed, and we found ourselves wandering down many hallways until we had reached the security department. Although there were moment when I felt as though someone, or something was always behind me. Upon opening the door we found a bloody mess of a security officer, and a shotgun next to his body. Durston took the shotgun, and after some searching we found additional ammo for the shotgun and the squads M9 pistols. We then began to search the outpost for any other supplies until we came across an autopsy room where there were two metal autopsy tables with female corpses on the table. Above the two corpses there was numerous scientific equipment. "Sure hate to find out what these were used for," Thomas said as he walked toward it studying the equipment. "Thomas, Borge watch the doors," I ordered, "Gordon take a look at the corpses I would like to know what exactly was going on here." They all nodded and went to their task, and I turned to find Durston on a computer, "You better not be on facebook." Durston sighed, "Very funny sir, but I have found a few interesting files on what may have been going on here." "Like what?" I asked as I looked over his shoulder. "Who ever was here was attempting to create female stealth agents, by alterining their genetic code to allow them to turn invisible, granting them above the average human abilities, and essientally turning them into the perfect stealth solider." "Sounds like they also had a few screws loose ," Gordon commented, "Before death these two were in excurcating pain, and I would be surprised it he even created one with the damage done to thiner internal organs." I felt something brush up against me it felt warm, and comforting. I turned looking for what it was only to find that nothing was there, and then I felt it again this time it had grabbed my shoulder and it felt as though it was using it to lift itself up. Then suddenly the words, "Give us a kiss," were wisphered in my ear, and instinvtivly I grabbed the lever action rifle. I heard Gordon yell, "Sir behind you!" and I turned around to find myself looking down on a woman with her hair covering one eye, and a rather pissed look on her face. I yelled in surprise and pulled the trigger not knowing where I was aiming. The woman grabbed her stomach and fell forward dead at my feet. I quickly turned and looked at the two guarding the doors, "Borge! Thomas! how did she get by you two?" I barked. They both came away from their posts, "Sir no one ever opened the door, and no one was in here when we came in," Thomas explained. I looked back down at the dead woman at my feet and noticed instead of fingernails she had three inch long talons. "I have a bad feeling that whatever was going on in this place succeeded, and that this won't be the last time we see them," I muttered, "Though that does raise the question of how she got in here." Suddenly the grate of a ventilation shaft connected to the ceiling crashed to the floor.[/quote]

[quote=jhoijhoi]Hey Rudmed. I'm an avid writer and editor. I normally do line-by-line critiques, but I have a feeling that might piss you off/is not what you're looking for. What I found about your snippet: 1) You have a good grasp of the English language, your syntax is near perfect, and thank God for your grammar skills! 2) The dialogue throughout the script is slightly unrealistic and at times appears forced. 3) You don't spend enough time on your descriptions. "Suddenly a figure came out", "it suddenly grabbed Borge", "suddenly the grate fell to the floor". Never use adjectives such as "suddenly" to start a sentence. What if you had written, "Without warning the grate of the ventilation shaft above us fell to the floor with a crash.", or, "Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of white, and Borge unleashed an unearthly cry as a creature sunk it's teeth into his leg." 4) Your story seems to hold no direction. There's a party of soldiers (or so I assume) trapezing through the forest, and they just randomly happen to come across a cabin. Then they get chased some more and manage to stumble across a military base... Even though you're writing about zombies, or experiments, your story still needs to have some level of believability. So, overall, you primarily need to work on your descriptions, your dialogue and the plot. Otherwise, interesting story so far ^^[/quote]

[quote=Rudmed]Well this is just the 2nd chapter, and no that won't piss me off. My storys never seem to start at the begininng, and I just write random chapters at times. Edit: And I have good grammar skils? I always thought they were below par.[/quote]

[quote=Lugignaf][quote=jhoijhoi] Hey Rudmed. I'm an avid writer and editor. I normally do line-by-line critiques, but I have a feeling that might piss you off/is not what you're looking for. What I found about your snippet: 1) You have a good grasp of the English language, your syntax is near perfect, and thank God for your grammar skills! 2) The dialogue throughout the script is slightly unrealistic and at times appears forced. 3) You don't spend enough time on your descriptions. "Suddenly a figure came out", "it suddenly grabbed Borge", "suddenly the grate fell to the floor". Never use adjectives such as "suddenly" to start a sentence. What if you had written, "Without warning the grate of the ventilation shaft above us fell to the floor with a crash.", or, "Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of white, and Borge unleashed an unearthly cry as a creature sunk it's teeth into his leg." 4) Your story seems to hold no direction. There's a party of soldiers (or so I assume) trapezing through the forest, and they just randomly happen to come across a cabin. Then they get chased some more and manage to stumble across a military base... Even though you're writing about zombies, or experiments, your story still needs to have some level of believability. So, overall, you primarily need to work on your descriptions, your dialogue and the plot. Otherwise, interesting story so far ^^ [/quote] That's a very... in depth analysis... Are you an English major or something? @Rud. I didn't read the whole thing. Skimmed it as I am tired. You do have nice English/punctuation/grammar. How would you pronounce what looks to be the main character's name? Bore-geh? Bore-jii?[/quote]

[quote=Rudmed]Nah the main character is the narrator I may just not conevey it like that, but I always thought it was Bore-jii. By the way Jhoji if you want to do a line by line critque just send it too me in a PM. Unlike most people when it comes to my writing I love to get some people's thoughs.[/quote]

[quote=jhoijhoi]@lugignaf - I'm currently studying a Bachelor of Secondary Education (English and Physics) ^^ @Rudmed - You asked for it, lol. [quote=Rudmed]"Hey did anyone else hear that?" Gordon asked. I listen closely, and I could hear an unintelligible moan with the sound of twigs breaking.[/quote] Possibly the most cliché scene ever. Can you think of any other ways to hook the reader in? A description of the surroundings, the feeling of sweat on the main character's back that has soaked his camouflage shirt, the hushed silence of the still forest. [quote=Rudmed]"There is more than one, of whatever it is, but this one is close," Thomas said as he reached for his pistol.[/quote] Why didn't he have his pistol out the whole time? What sort of pistol was it? How many men are there in this party? What did Thomas look like? What's Gordon look like? If this is a military operation, why are they referring to each other by their first names, and not code names like "Snake", "Jack Rabbit" etc. [quote=Rudmed]Suddenly a pale white figure shambled out from behind the trees behind Borge. It suddenly grabbed Borge, and was trying to bite him.[/quote] As I said earlier, you have to work on your descriptions. [quote=Rudmed]"Get off of me you bastard!" Borge yelled as he grabbed his combat knife, and stabbed the creature in the neck. The creature grip held strong for a moment, but then slipped as death slowly took it. "Someone mind telling me why these monsters are already here?" Borge asked.[/quote] This is a prime example of unrealistic dialogue. If something white and unnatural leapt at you, would you really yell "get off of me"? Would you then just shrug off the attempt at your life and say coquettishly, "oh, by the way, why are they here?" I know that I wouldn't. Also, what about the other mens' reactions? Maybe one of them can be trigger happy, and Borge gets shot. An immediate hurdle that the men now have to cross is getting Borge somewhere safe where they can operate to take out the bullet lodged in his thigh (or whatever). [quote=Rudmed]"Who knows, but we had better get...Incoming!" Durston yelled as a bright ball of fire suddenly busted through the trees just missing Gordon. More moans were heard, and the sound of many feet running at a frenzied pace was soon heard. [/quote] You've got a bit of repetition going on here, especially with the word "heard". Again with the unrealistic dialogue, and again with the named-yet-masked men. You're introducing more and more names for the reader to remember, and you're not even giving them a reason to remember each character. Who's Durston? Is he the medic? Is he the "heavy"? Who's the team leader? [quote=Rudmed]I looked deeper into the forest only to find, that there were hundreds of creatures charging at our position. I turned to the squad and yelled, "We're screwed leg it!"[/quote] Besides the unrealistic dialogue (these are grown men, who says "we're screwed leg it!"?), now you've got the characters running away from an indeterminable amount of things that we, the reader, know nothing about. Essentially you're just exasperating the reader: 1) They're reading about a bunch of men with weapons in the forest 2) The men have names, but have no descriptions 3) There are creatures, but we don't know what they look like 4) The men are now running from things we don't know anything about, and they run for a long time (an hour) 5) Then they come across a cabin, find some supplies, and run again from creatures that we know nothing about In my honest opinion, you could completely remove the part about the cabin, or better yet, merge it with the beginning. I hope you don't mind, but this is what I mean: [quote=jhoijhoi]The cabin was deserted. It stank of disuse and animal faeces. Cobwebs clung to the corners, dust was thick on all surfaces, and cockroaches scrambled across the floor to get out of the light of our torches. "Clear." The Russian said, lowering his pistol back to his holster. His neck and shoulders bulged with muscles and veins. Only I knew his real name was Borge, and the rest of the men in my crew were equally mysterious. Hunter, the man with incredibly tuned senses could hear someone breathing from across the room, his eyesight was extraordinary and he only had to sniff the air to detect who had been rummaging around his tent. The stories centred around how he got his name were cringe-worthy, and even The Russian gave Hunter a wide berth. The last to enter the room was Tripcode. This man had been arrested and sentenced to death for hacking into the Pentagon Main Frame. No one knows how he got out of jail, but he was basically untouchable by the feds. They had hired him to carry out so many dirty technological deeds that he could skin a tanker with the secrets he kept for amnesty. As a group, we searched for supplies, and I found a lever action rifle with some spare ammunition in the gun cabinet. The corpse of the poacher was rotting near the kitchen bench. Held tightly in his hands was a compound crossbow with a scope attachment. Hunter relieved the man of the weapon and looked down the scope, smiling slightly tugging at the large scar down the side of his cheek. Hunter stilled and cocked his head to the side, "They're coming." Tripcode and The Russian raised their weapons, awaiting my orders. I listened closely, straining to hear what Hunter could, and eventually I caught the faint sounds of an unintelligible moan. There was no need to explain what was coming. We knew. "There is more than one." Hunter whispered. Without warning the corpse of the poacher lunged forward and grabbed at Hunter, saliva running in rivulets down it's withered face. It opened it's mouth, the cavity black and endless, it's gums bleeding. It's eyes stared blankly with the pupils so dilated it's irises could not be seen. A flash of light, the smell of tar, the unmistakable sound of a gun fired. The creature sunk to the ground and The Russian lowered his pistol. Hunter sucked in a breath and blood trickled down the side of his mouth. He released the crossbow and it fell to the ground with a loud clunking noise. "Faaaark." He said weakly, holding a hand to his stomach. "Jesus Russian." I said, rushing to Hunter's side. Tripcode examined the corpse, "It looks like the bullet went straight through it's chest with enough power to injure Hunter." Hunter coughed and blood splattered onto my shoes. "God-farking-damn. We need to, god, come on. The creatures. They're coming." With the help of Tripcode, we hoisted Hunter, who was thin and wiry onto the back of The Russian. I flinched as the sound of another gun shot echoed around the room. Tripcode stood over the body of the poacher. It had a clean entry hole at it's temple, and a spray of brains and blood against the floor.[/quote] The rest of your story is fine - you just have to find a better link between the cabin and the military outpost. - jhoijhoi[/quote]

[quote=Rudmed]Well I personally I enjoyed that little rewrite, and never thought of it that way. So I'll keep that in mind. Though I really want to take that little rewrite because that is sooo much better then mine, but thanks for the tips.[/quote]

[quote=jhoijhoi]D: It's not better than yours. It's just slightly more descriptive. The difference between what you and I wrote (though the part at the end that you wrote was mainly fine) was mine: * had more description * had direction That's it. I'm not a better writer than you. It was all your work. It was your plot, your details, your corpse, your cabin, your scuffle with something unnatural. But I [i]elaborated[/i] on what you didn't say. I filled in the gaps and silences in your story. I gave the men descriptions (and cut one out, I think), and I gave them a backstory. Borge became The Russian. Gordon (who heard the things approaching in the beginning) became Hunter. I merged the other two men into Tripcode. As for the main character - I don't know his story. I didn't touch him. I left him in command, I left him with the authority. I left him unknown. This is fine because everyone else has a backstory. Except the main character. Leaves the reader wanting to know his code name, his backstory. All we know is that he's in charge. Why don't you post the beginning? Or the next chapter? I can help you a little bit and give you some guidance. Hell, maybe we can write it together ^^[/quote]

[quote=Rudmed]Yeah okay I'll work on the 1st chapter (I haven't even written it yet). :)[/quote]

[quote=mobrebel]Great stuff... I forgot to look in this thread after I posted those poems. I always like writing quick funny poems. And people seem to like them XD. Here is another poem: One man said I have two legs. I'm not sure what they're smoking. They must not see one is a peg and this eyepatch that I'm toting. As I pondered on their comment, I suddenly realized that the person that told me this didn't have real eyes. Maybe another?: Freedom sings and always rings. But what shall happen when it dings? Will is fly? Will it die? Will it drop a piece of rye? No, it will not. It's in this pot just waiting to fall over and rot. XD I hope you like them. They might be strange, but it is fun to throw them together. XD[/quote]