The Creative Corner

[quote=Rudmed]Wow this thread got totally necro'd. Winter...that looks like a failed attempt of the sprit legion.[/quote]

[quote=jhoijhoi]Rudmed: It was a good thread idea, was gonna make my own, but then thought, WAIT, there's one already made! :D Here's a snippet of my current novel I'm co-writing with my sister: [quote=jhoijhoi]"Because I want to kill them," The prince whispered, "I want to see them lifeless before me and know that I did it. I have the power to take life away," There was no sanity in Casius' eyes. The young man cocked his head to the side and the corner of his mouth lifted in a sly smile, "I am a god." Syntana Bane's sword swung almost on its own accord. The prince did not have time to react as the sharp blade sliced through the air and lopped off the young man's head. With a sickening smooching sound, the prince's head disconnected from his neck and rolled across the floor in the same manner the apples had earlier. The prince's eyes stared up at him blankly. Bane stared at horror at what he had done, but deep down he knew it was necessary. The code stated that he would be loyal to the throne, protect the spirits of the catacombs, keep his country safe. Azuryl would be destroyed under the rule of that monster. He would claim that the Queen managed to take them by surprise and kill the prince. If he could escape to tell the story, that is.[/quote] Out of context, it really doesn't make sense :P[/quote]

[quote=Dotter]I like your style of writing Jhoi.. The young man cocked his head to the side and the corner of his mouth lifted in a sly smile, "I am a god." Reminds of a scene in an anime called Baccano xD[/quote]

[quote=jhoijhoi]haha, I imagine all insane people are alike (I know nothing about Baccano, but I assume he's insane?). When I look at that small snippet, I don't think it's written well enough. The "info dump" section of the last paragraph is the part that irks me the most. I need to convey the information in a different way, but it's hard to do so. Another out-of-context extract (though this is sort of an isolated scene, so it should be an easier to understand read than the one above): [quote=jhoijhoi]Jaakleen approached Andonis, two swords in her hands, "Care for a duel?" The prince knew he couldn't decline. Ever since he could remember, Jaak had been able to best him in any physical fight. Half of it had to do with the fact that she was female and he didn't want to hurt her, and half of it had to to with the fact that she was pretty darn good. They spared quietly for about fifteen minutes, warming up. Then she stepped out of range of his sword and beckoned at him with one finger and a small smile. It was an invitation to give it his all. They danced around each other, downwards thrusts met upward strokes, parries countered swings. They quickly started to sweat, the intensity of the battle growing. He lashed out at the woman, circling her and continuing to clash his sword with her sharp rapier. The prince feigned to the right, and slashed her left thigh, leaving a small gash against her otherwise smooth leg. Jaakleen hissed in pain and Andonis signaled for the fight to stop; they were both getting tired and he didn't want to hurt her any more unintentionally. Jaakleen shook her head and thrust her sword out. They continued the sword dance until Andonis noticed a split-second opportunity. The soldier left her left side open. The prince lunged for it, but at the last second, she moved right, leaving him over stepped to the left. She leapt forward to slice at his right forearm; his sword arm. Andonis' shirt was split open from his wrist to his elbow. It was only a surface cut, one that didn’t hurt much but would leave a faint scar; a forever reminder of this fight. Exhausted, Andonis threw his sword to his left hand, wiping the blood onto the cuff of his doublet. Jaakleen grinned at Andonis, and he smiled back. She brought the rapier up and slashed down. He blocked it with his sword, and it glanced off the amour on his shoulder, creating sparks. Andonis was tempted to take off the heavy armor that they practiced in it day in and day out as it seemed heavier by the minute. The bronze plated helmet on the prince's head drooped down his forehead, cutting off some of his eyesight. Taking advantage of Andonis' lack of vision, Jaakleen banged the hilt of her rapier against Andonis' chain mail and knocked the breath out of him. The prince allowed himself to be knocked to the ground, the woman straddling his hips. "Well fought," panted Andonis, flipping his visor up. Jaakleen, sweat dripping off her face, her auburn hair plastered to her forehead in wet ringlets grinned, "It gets harder to beat you, every single day."[/quote] The random double (and even triple) spaces are due to piratepad.net[/quote]

[quote=Nighthawk]^ I SMELL SPELLING MISTAKES *Sparred Maybe put some more sensuality into the last part? Readers love that ^^[/quote]

[quote=jhoijhoi]lol one spelling mistake ain't that bad :P Jaakleen is a soldier, not the... sensual type ^^ We actually haven't written any love/sexual interest scenes yet, but it is fantasy, so I imagine we'll have to eventually =.=[/quote]

[quote=Rudmed][quote] The bronze plated helmet on the prince's head drooped down his forehead, cutting off some of his eyesight. Taking advantage of Andonis' lack of vision, Jaakleen banged the hilt of her rapier against Andonis' chain mail and knocked the breath out of him. The prince allowed himself to be knocked to the ground, the woman straddling his hips. "Well fought," panted Andonis, flipping his visor up. [/quote] Possible problem. Did you mean the the visor fell down, taking away some of his vision or the helmet itself. Jhojhoi you don't sound excited for that love interest part, or do you leave that to your sister?[/quote]

[quote=jhoijhoi]haha, as you can imagine, Rudmed, writing a sex scene with a sister 3 years younger than you may make you a tad uncomfortable. Also, I'm not sure if the story really needs any time of romance - it's so full of plot at the moment that adding in another weave may just annoy the reader. Hmm, helmet or visor... here, I rewrote most of the scene. It needed a once over, anyway: [quote=jhoijhoi]Jaakleen approached Andonis, two training swords in her hands, "Care for a duel?" The swords were standard military issue, just dulled over years of soldiers sparring. As he started at the blunt blades, the prince knew he couldn't decline without losing some sort of face. Jaakleen had thrown a barb at him that he could not ignore; to ask for a duel was to ask for satisfaction, to prove one's willingness to fight for honor. Andonis tried to think about what he had done recently to his best friend that could have possibly annoyed her. All his mind could dredge up was thoughts of his childhood. Ever since he could remember, Jaak had been able to best him in any physical fight. Half of it had to do with the fact that she was female and he didn't want to hurt her, and half of it had to to with the fact that she was pretty darn good. Finally the prince reached for the second sword, smiling stifly. It started off simple and effortless; they sparred quietly for about fifteen minutes, going through easy maneouvers, stances and warming up. Then she stepped out of range of his sword, leaving him slightly unbalanced due to the flow being lost, and beckoned at him with one finger and a small smile. It was an invitation to give it his all. They danced around each other, downwards thrusts met upward strokes, parries countered swings. Andonis quickly started to sweat, the intensity of the battle growing, and he was gratified to see that Jaak was also perspiring. After a series of complicated blows, he lashed out at the woman, circling her, continuing to clash his sword with hers. The prince feigned to the right, and expecting resistance, slashed towards her left thigh with all his might. As he saw his blade descend, Andonis tried to change the angle, but there wasn't enough time to rectify Jaakleen's mistake. The sword landed across her upper thigh and slid inswards, leaving a small gash against her otherwise smooth leg. The blade was too dull to cut through any more flesh. Jaakleen hissed in pain and Andonis signaled for the fight to stop, his heart racing painfully; they were both getting tired and he didn't want to hurt her any more than he already had. Jaakleen shook her head and thrust her sword out. Her pride didn't allow her to cancel a duel she had started. They continued the sword dance, Andonis holding back, afraid to hurt his companion until he noticed a split-second opportunity. The soldier left her left side open. Letting his training take over, the prince lunged for it, but at the last second, she moved right, leaving him over extended to the left. She leapt forward to slice at his right forearm; his sword arm. Andonis' shirt was split open from his wrist to his elbow, and the skin underneath burned from the cut. It was only a surface wound, one that didn’t hurt much but would leave a faint scar; a forever reminder of this fight. Exhausted, Andonis threw his sword to his left hand, wiping the blood onto the cuff of his doublet. Jaakleen grinned at Andonis, and he smiled back. She brought the sword up and slashed down. He blocked it with his sword, and it glanced off the amour on his shoulder, creating sparks. Andonis was tempted to take off the heavy armor that they practiced in it day in and day out as it seemed heavier by the minute. The visor attached to the bronze plated helmet on the prince's head drooped down his forehead, cutting off some of his eyesight. Taking advantage of Andonis' lack of vision, Jaakleen banged the hilt of her sword against Andonis' chain mail. The blow to the chest knocked the breath out of him. Stumbling, Andonis wheezed, trying to get air back into his lungs. Jaakleen disarmed him with a flick of her wrist and tackled him. The prince allowed himself to be knocked to the ground, the woman straddling his hips, her sword at his throat. "Well fought," panted Andonis, flipping his visor up. Jaakleen removed the blade from his throat and slumped across him, her chest heaving with heavy breaths. Despite the sweat dripping off her face and the state of her auburn hair plastered to her forehead in wet ringlets, her pleasant grin and proximity left Andonis enjoying her heavy weight pinning his body. She said with a hint of mirth, "It gets harder to beat you, every single day."[/quote][/quote]

[quote=Rudmed]Just a little scrap that I'm going to leave here. Feel free to critique it. No clue what I am going to name it yet. This is just the introduction. [quote]The year is 2050, and a new biological organization rose in New York. The company called themselves Trinity. They came out with multiple cures for diseases, and safer medicine. Their stocks rose as better medicine was produced at a faster and put on the shelves at a cheap price. They were a godsend to the sickly, and the poor. The president, Harold Hathway, of the company was even considered for a noble peace prize since he had done a majority of the research on most of the diseases. Then Harold dies of natural causes and the vice president, Robert Williams, take over the company. Trinity makes an announcement that they are progressing to new goals that advance human medicine by leaps and bounds. The public was excited for the first two weeks, but then there was less and less medicine to go around. Trinity was such a large company there was no logical explanation, unless this project took all their resources. Months after their announcement, Robert gave the informed the public they were close to the breakthrough it would not take much longer. In that same week mysterious murders occurred, victims were killed by unusual methods such as being cut in two, eaten, or acid they burned through their organs. The police investigated the murders unable to turn up anything to explain the causes or death or even motive. Nothing was adding up, until a missing report of a Trinity head scientist, Tim Tedrow, made its way to the police chief’s desk. The dental records they managed to pull from one of the corpses left after the murders matched Tim Tedrow’s records. The police went to question some of the Trinity employees. The investigating officers missed two of their check in calls, and an even large team was sent to investigate. The moment the point man opened the doors to Trinity headquarters all hell broke loose. Abominations of different variety charged out the doors of, and came out of sewer all across New York. The few surviving cops of the team called for helped, but it was already too late. The creatures were too numerous, and growing. The army was called in to attempt to quell this outbreak. New York city became war zone as the army prepared to mobilize a large force to evacuate citizens and eliminate the creatures. Will this force be enough? Or will fall apart and these creatures rampage everywhere across America?[/quote][/quote]

[quote=DuffTime][quote=Rudmed] Trinity Force headquarters [/quote] Fixed that for you.[/quote]