If you are new to League of Legends, this guide won't help you much. This guide was made in a satirical manner, and is meant to poke fun at the powers and capabilities of the champion this guide talks about.

Regardless, you can still take a moment to check out what this "guide" has to offer, if you want a quick laugh.

Any and all criticism is welcome. Don't be afraid to leave your thoughts on my work, as it can help me improve my future content.

MediaMix1

11.30.2017

Hello there! I'm Professor Oak! Welcome to a world where animals with incredibly destructive potential from the wild are raised as pets - only to find out that they gave us rabies! Here, I will help you become a better UPS deliverywoman by giving you a list of things to buy using a woefully outdated currency! Have fun! :D

If you are walking or attacking only once every second, you're a dweeb. In order to not be a dweeb, use these hilariously powerful magical enchantments I got from a man in a trench coat I met in a dark alley! Don't worry - that's not coke you smell! It's sugar, really! Sugar will make you go as fast as you want to be!

THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE OUR ULTIMATE EMPERORS FROM RIOT GAMES HAVE DEEMED MASTERIES TO BE TOO NERDY. MOVE ALONG, YOU FILTHY CASUALS.

• Doran's Dagger - Weaponized butterknife for vampires.
• Health Potion - A bottle of that ****ty diluted wine you stole from a local church -- I mean... borrowed from a charity event!
• Sweeping Lens - Because, **** wards!

So long as everything goes to plan, (which they won't because everyone on your team sucks except you) all of these beautifully deadly weapons can help you literally eliminate anyone who gets in the way between you and your senpai!

• Youmuu's Ghostblade - Fly faster, you damn bird! Or I'll cut off your feathers! Oh ****, I think we're dropping all the flowers that Mr. Jenkins ordered!
• Berserker's Greaves - Whadd'ya mean I "can't get more than one pair of these"?!
• Phantom Dancer - One letter away from a Valve lawsuit.
• Guardian Angel - My angel hates me... instead of giving me a warm hug in Heaven, the old man sent me back down to Earth! ;-;
• Essence Reaver - Because Random Crits aren't fair and balanced enough without them!
• Blade of the Ruined King - Now I can finally get rid of this stupid butterknife!
• Oracle Alteration - Stealth and wards be damned!

• Runaan's Hurricane - For those special days reserved for memes and 100% crit builds.
• Rapid Firecannon - IT'S HIGH NOON. ... I'm so sorry... XD
• Infinity Edge - Crit harder!
• Statikk Shiv - ZAP!

• Boots of Mobility - YOU CAN NEVER GO TOO FAST!
• Boots of Swiftness - For those special days when someone gets jealous because you're the fastest race car on the track.
• Luden's Ekko - And YOU lose your eyesight, and YOU lose your eyesight, and YOU...!
• Tri-Force of Courage -

  Censored by Nintendo; because we're scared that our IPs aren't ready to see the big blue world out there.

• Death's Dance - Weaponized Popsicle.
• Lich Bane - There'll always be a Lich Bane.
• Guinsoo's Rageblade - EMBRACE THE RAGE!
• Bloodthirster - Congratulations! Your Doran's Butterknife evolved into Toy Sword Stained with Ketchup!
• Wit's End - **** YOU EZREAL! YOU ARE ONE MEAN *** BOI.
• Maw of Malmortius - I HOPE THE COMPANY FIRES YOU, YOU BLONDE PRICK.
• Warding Totem - Because all the cool kids use these nowadays, right?
• Farsight Alteration - Because nobody uses these, right?

E W Q E E R E E W W W R W Q Q Q Q R

BOOM! Instant pro.

Now get out there and give me my guaranteed crits, ya damn bird!

• Harrier

  - Every now and then, your pet birb swoops down from the heavens to shove his *** onto their head, then flies away to give you a free crit. Speaking of crits - more crits allows the bird to ***-shove people faster!

• Blinding Assault

  - Beware the angrai birbs!

• Heightened Senses

  - Wall hax.

• Vault

  -

• Behind Enemy Lines

  -

  FULL SPEED AHEAD! WE GOTTA GET TO THE NORTH POLE IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!

RANKED IS FOR NERDS!

PROS

• Fly me, slave!
• Crits!
• Instant AoEs.
• Screws over divers like Gordon Ramsey screws over your dreams as a chef!
• She can get away with diving, but not YOU! :D

CONS

• If it's not delivered within 5 minutes, your pizza's going off of her paycheck!
• Valor purposefully shat on Quinn's mom so that she'd get off of the will before she died.
• Might've lied about her age so that she could get outta high school and shoot crazy men with axes.
• Got kicked outta the Girl Scouts for masturbating to bird porn.
• Got kicked outta the Boy Scouts for tattling on the scoutmaster for masturbating to bird porn.

"Teamwork"? Who gives a **** about teamwork!? I'm literally the best ADC in this whole game, you filthy casuals!

Wanna see some bird porn? Too bad! It's mine for me to masturbate to!

Remember that big button on the right side of your mouse? Take your cursor, hover it over a creep, then proceed to open up PornHub...