Humor Guide by Ruin Sage
Not Updated For Current Season
This guide has not yet been updated for the current season. Please keep this in mind while reading. You can see the most recently updated guides on the browse guides page.
Not Updated For Current Season
The masteries shown here are not yet updated for the current season, the guide author needs to set up the new masteries. As such, they will be different than the masteries you see in-game.
Why, oh why?
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HI I'M BILLY MAYS BACK FROM THE DEAD TO BRING YOU THIS AMAZING NEW PRODUCT: PERMASLOW!!
HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT AN ENEMY AND THOUGH, 'HE IS JUST MOVING WAY TOO FAST! i CAN'T HAUL MY FAT *** ALL THE WAY OVER THERE!'? WELL HERE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR ELO PROBLEMS! WITH THIS ALL NEW, PATENT-PENDING PERMA-SLOW KILL-SQUAD!!
With this state of the art technology, you can reduce your enemy's Move Speed to a crawl! Laugh as you run circles around that Teemo. /d while toying with that Twitch. Think you won't have time to /taunt? YOU WILL with this wonderful new powerhouse.
Who can do such a thing?
The components are all quite simple individually, but today and for a limited time only, THEY ARE COMBINED FOR SHEAR AWESOME!
Our first components are finding all the right tools of destruction. Each piece individually has their own unique and fantastic slow.
- Akali will bring forth an AOE slow that she can hide herself inside!
- Evelynn gives us a Super Surprise Sneak Slow!
- Irelia dishes out sweet pain and a sweeter slow to one (now dead) target!
- Kog'Maw makes running away a joke with his goopy line of slowing death!
- Jarvan IV grows to almost invincible proportions while dragging your enemies to a crawl!
And-for a limited time only- you are given characters that are naturally HYBRID! This gives you even more killing power!
How do they keep it up??
Just having the right people is never enough! So we have included RIDICULOUSLY POWERFUL equipment for each of them!
- Mercury's Treads! So you can take a CC'ing and keep on chuggin'!
- Frozen Mallet! Because everyone has an Auto Attack! MAKE THEM SLOW!
- Rylai's Crystal Scepter! Because everyone has abilities! PUT THEM TO WORK!
- Hextech Gunblade! Because Lifesteal and Spellvamp make life worth living. DID I MENTION IT COMES WITH A SLOW?!
- Trinity Force! Everyone needs some real power behind them! WHY NOT ADD ALL THE POWER?!
Guardian Angel- The ultimate survival item, FREE OF CHARGE!
Are you a tank? WE HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU! As special bonus for being so awesome, you get:
Randuin's Omen and Force of Nature!! Two items build to make you a speedy slower in no time!
All the little tricks!
Now that we know what slows, WHAT BRINGS THE CREEPING DEATH?
Greater Mark of Magic Penetration and Greater Mark of Desolation are just what you need- Penetrate the enemy's defences with these AMAZING MARKS!
Think you attack too slow to be effective? Greater Seal of Attack Speed is our special gift to you!
Sounds like you want to cast your abilities faster too! Well we have a solution- Greater Glyph of Cooldown Reduction!
And just to ice this magical cake, Greater Quintessence of Movement Speed to insure that no one will ever escape!
If you order now, we will include this AMAZING NEW SYSTEM- MASTERIES!
You will receive 9 masteries in the Offence tree and 21 in the Defense tree- just the way you like it!
As a special bonus, we will include Ghost and Exhaust for all your speed needs!
This system will bring you the greatest slow known to Summoners around the world! This system is proven to work, even under Highlander conditions, with the patented- Cataclysm!
As another bonus, just for reading RIGHT NOW, we will share a trade secret with you- Get even more slow by adding other Champions! Bring that Ice Blast to the field! Or maybe throw in a Wild Cards just to add some variety to your powerhouse punch!
THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN! I'M BILLY MAYS AND THIS IS- THE PERMASLOW!