Preface:

I've seen the outside. I've seen it! Perilous roads and highways that twist and turn. They force you upon these things to get to where? Where?! To nothing more than a pig's pen, a slaughter house. They force you into these building where people look the same. We do the same thing day in and day out. We look upon those who managed to rise above us, but corruption is in their eyes, their mouths. Their hands, they raise them and out comes more torment. Then the hand of the clock strikes 5. Almighty 5. Like the fingers on my hand, they strike 5. When that happens, we all agree to run away at once. Back to the machine, back to the roads and highways. Back to... home.... Home yes home. Home where I'm safe. I have safety and comfort here.... and... LoL.



Let's talk about LoL for a minute. Yes, this game that's become nothing more than a viral sensation throughout the entire globe. Heck, you can walk outside of your house and see some sort of reference being made to the game by random strangers. Heck, even the hobos outside know a thing or two about League of Legends. Primarily Gragas. But that's because they're alcoholics and will most likely die of liver failure or some form of organ shutdown, but lets get back to LoL (like we didn't drift from LoL to begin with).



Yes, League of Legends. Such a hallow name. You play this game real good (...lol gold) and you'll get more ***** than the bat**** crazy cat lady that lives down the street, but lets try to understand what it means to be /good/ at LoL and what all this entails. Actually, lets do this by sections, because I work and school full time so I don't have the time to spend 30 minutes (I lied, I spent about 40 minutes on this) a day to waste on giving my banter about this wretched community..


1. Say Goodbye to your social life.
In order to be good, you have to play. A lot. You must play every day of your life, day in and day out. The only friends you have are those that will jump on your duo queue **** and ride on it till you hit the shiny sparkly doors of Diamond ELO (or Challenger if you want). But with that comes degradation. What is degradation? Well, seeing as you're on MOBAfail and you're *SNORT* TRYING to get good at this game, let Toshabi tell you- nay- SHOW YOU what degradation is. Look at yourself in the mirror. Take a good long look at it. Now look at this picture of Toshabi.



Got a good look at it? Now go back and look at what you look like in the mirror.






This horrible thing you see before you is degradation. This happens when you sit your fat *** in front of the computer for too long. Actually I should say skinny ***. Well, then again you could be the priveldge few who live with your parents, so they'll probably feed you with a shovel if you're lucky enough to get the LoLhookups. Anyways, regardless of how degradation happens, when it does happen, you'll notice yourself being unable to function like a normal human being anymore. It doesn't matter how many skype friends you have or how many people wanna suck your ELOness on LoL, the fact of the matter is, your ability to function with people outside of your dome is gonzo. POOF! Nonexistent. Attempting to socialize will result in you using the following phrases.


"......"

"Do you play LoL?"

"lol gg no re"

"Mid or I feed lolz"

"huehuehuehuehue"

"Attention Duelists" (Because Yugioh Abridged is good gap closer LOL XD)

"Better nerf Irelia"

"Salty much?"

"Do you watch My Little Pony"

"FF at 20"

"I don't play jungle lol"


"Hi, my name is WrAThoFVulCaN"

"I WAS HIDING HAHHAHA GRRRRRRR"


"I would probably do Ahri.... no furry...."

The list goes on, but yes, this happens. Don't believe me? Try to go outside and talk to your neighbor. Bring a Go Pro cam with you and livestream it to Toshabi's website www.ToshabiNeedsToSeeThis.com/submission . I will post the amount of time (usually under a few minutes) before you derez from the sunlight (or moonlight, ****ing Diana). And if you do manage to find a human being outside of your house, you will probably get kicked in the nuts.

"HEY! I'M A GIRL! I HAVE no nuts Toshabi"


You're a man now. Don't believe me? Take a look in the mirror, sugar. Girls that usually wish to play LoL will take thousands of pictures of themselves in advance to prepare for the transformation that will occur from playing this game. They will obsessively post those pictures all over websites (usually in the faces to names threads of gaming websites) and constantly change their avatars of different pictures of their old selves to convince Toshabi (and others) that they are indeed still female. Don't believe the lies. Toshabi has met these "usedtobe-women". *sniff*.



but yes, more importantly, you will find yourself only being important in the game. The game is your realm. It is your kingdom. Those who speak against you in this kingdom will meet the firey blades of whatever champion you choose to be (most likely Lee Sin, because god knows how simple it is to "be good" at Lee KEKEKEKE). You will quickly cast judgement upon those you meet. Friends who you knew before you sold your soul to LoL will become "Guy who sucks at everything, guy who won't amount to ANYTHIGN in LoLLife" ect. when it's time for the servers to shut down and you get cut off from your realm, you'll be in immediate need to find a proper substitute. Usually, the best course of action is to head to the LoL forums to be the big man who will **** talk the Riot employees for having LoLupdates and LoLproblems. For others, they will SJW it LoL style and bring up theories about some form of ******** neutrality. But.... if the LoL forums somehow die.... and it's 12AM PST and the MOBAfire forums are archiving....


Well... when that happens you will be alone for 5 minutes. 5 goddam minutes. You will look to your nonexistent friends list.... you will realize that you don't matter to anyone who isn't on that list. Your crowd, frozen in time. Your kingdom in momentary stasis. You will finally have that moment to realize that you're a total loser with no IRL friends. All you have to show for it is some stupid victorious skin for a champ that's not lee sin and a stupid border around your name that only appears in the loading screen and your profile (Which absolutely no one gives a **** about and will probably never get seen). THIS is what you sold your life to. This is all you got for your time. This is all you got for your investment. And it's scary to know that this is worth it to you. This is worth the ego. This is worth telling people to go kill themselves because they can't play the video game to your standards. This is worth blowing off getting a job. This is worth blowing off going to class. This is worth blowing off a career because there's a chance you can go LoLpro.



And what's sad is most people realize this and will continue to play.








Then there's competitive Maplestory.






I'm going to get a chili dog.