Views: 464 Depression.
Now my last blog was about dealing with being bad at LoL, and how to improve at LoL. Now that's a topic that was, and is fairly important to me, but not as much as this. Depression is a huge part of what made me think about that blog, and why I wrote it.
You see, I'm severely depressed, and unmediated, and sometimes a little... crazy. I go through my day with a smile on my face, work hard, laugh, have fun, and talk with friends, I bear a lot of responsibility, and make sure I get everything I can done. Some days I break down, Become silent, which is hard for me because I make more jokes than I do serious remarks, and just sit there.
Breaking down isn't so bad really, but what comes with that silent time is. I've been reprimanded about four times for listening to music in a service area, the reason I do this is to stave off that silent time.
I despise being silent, Having silence, and being an observer. The reason is because My mind works in ways that force me to be afraid.
"I can't talk to her, she's out of my league" "I won't have time to finish this job, I still have to go to lunch, I'm not gonna finish" "I don't want to go out to eat today, I just don't think I wanna walk that far." "Why should I stream? I'm no good."
Thoughts like that, You know them, we all have them. I have more of them than most, as will basically any depressed person tell you. Dealing with that silence, where these thoughts perforate the mind, That's the worst of it all.
But out of that perforation, out of those thoughts grows the greatest of things. A new way to solve the problem, A new resolution, A new way to fight back.
Now maybe that's not the case for everyone, Maybe some people get those thoughts and turn them off, or turn it all off. I tried that a few times, and It never worked.
I wont tell you to find religion, I won't tell you to look for a reason to live, But I will tell you to live.
Creativity stems from darkness, People find joy in music, art, theatre, writing. None of these things can come without some darkness. We use these tools to escape our own darkness so we can breath fresh air and relax. They make us happy, and they make us creative.
We siphon off creativity from creativity, and the truly creative will suffer, Perhaps not forever, but for a time.
If you're like me, depressed, alone, scared, and having trouble wanting to stay awake, or get your work done... Push through it. One day you'll be happier for it, and you'll know what to say when someone comes to you in tears.
Depression is painful, Fighting depression is a battle many lose. Don't lose the battle to yourself, You own yourself, Don't forget that you obey your own rules.