I don't know why I even ever do blogs, no one cares what I have to say, I'm a nobody. ;(

ANYWAYS, on topic now...

So I got to thinking about time and growing up. I'm 16 right now, about to leave my sophomore year of highschool. I'm getting my drivers license on June 12th, so I'll be able to drive around, have more freedom, but also more responsibility. My point to this is that I'm growing up. I'll be an adult in a couple years, and I'll be off to college and then a career, family, and adult life. To me, that's a strange and scary thought. I don't think I'm ready. In 8th grade, which wasn't that long ago for me, graduation felt like a million miles away, and now it's pretty much right on me. Time flies man, and I hate it.

I don't think I'm ready to graduate. I don't have the life skills I need. I don't have a good work ethic, and I don't know the first thing about doing my own taxes, balancing a check book, and I have terrible social skills. I'm not an unpopular kid, but I'm not a preppy super popular kid. People tend to like me, but I can't hold conversations and I can't really start them that well either. I'm really awkward and just strange overall. I'm independent, I don't really need my parents to make me food, tell me when to go to bed, tell me when to wake up, I can handle all that, but I don't have the other necessary life skills that I'll need for life, and I don't feel like I have the time I need to get prepared for life at this point. In all honesty, balancing a check book probably won't be that big of an issue with technology advancements, but it still seems like something I need to know, and I don't know if my parents could teach me something like that in the amount of time I have left before I graduate. I started driving when I was about 14 1/2, and I'm still not that good. I'm a good enough driver to pass my test, but I still scare my parents quite a bit when I drive. Life skills like this and balancing a check book are the type of things that are hard for me to learn. I'm a quick learner, but when it comes to important things like those, I just take a lot longer to learn them.

It's scary to me knowing that soon I'll be living on my own. I don't know if this is something every teenager goes through, but I know it's scaring the hell out of me. I want life to always be this easy rollercoaster that it has been so far. Last year was by far the best and worst year of my life. I went through my "sceney emo suicidal **** everything" stage that year, which most kids barely even go through, but my hormones and emotions hit me like a ****ing truck and dropped the ball of what getting older is like, and I never really let it hit me. I fought it. I did my best to NOT get older. I wanted to stay that age forever, but eventually I just let it in, went through that stage, had my hair swept across my face, wore all black, hung my head, hid from people, though about suicide, grades dropped, I didn't talk to anyone, I just shied away from everything, but eventually I gave in, I let it go, cut my hair, started shaving, started talking to people, started dressing nicer, and actually started caring about myself. I realized I'm a decently attractive person, and I'm pretty photogenic, although I hate taking pictures, I grew up and my life got better. However, before I let it all go during the summer of my freshmen year (Which is when I cut my hair, and grew up into an actual teenager rather than a little kid), during second semester of my freshmen year, I met a girl that I thought I loved. I chased her for the rest of the year, but she crushed me when I learned that she didn't like me the way I did her. It killed me, but I let it go, and we're still pretty close friends to this day. That was when life really started looking up for me, and that one event is what made my freshmen year so much fun. Although I said freshmen year was my best and worst year, I have to say that this year, sophomore year, has been probably the most eventful and just best year of my life. This year really just made me happy. I met some new friends, met a few more girls that may someday be more than a friend *winks*, and I grew out of my anxiety disorder (That **** sucked man, but getting through it is like the best feeling ever). This year was so good that it made my 4th grade summer and 5th grade year look like literal hell (More on that in another blog if you want to hear about that). Life really has been looking up, but also the dawning fact that I'm getting older hit me hard this year.

I've said it a thousand times, but I'm not ready to grow up. I recently watched the movie Project X. It was easily the best movie I've ever seen, but it made me realize that I'm sitting here, talking to people online and not going out and having like I want to. I'm not doing what I want to do. I'm not going out, getting a little buzzed (I laugh at the thought of a *little* buzzed. heh) every weekend, and just having fun. I'm not going to parties, I'm sitting at home sucking at league with no foreseeable future events changing. I need a change, but until I get my license and a car, I can't really do anything, and it's killing me knowing that my junior year isn't going to leave any time for me to do fun things (I have 4 AP classes (kill me now)). I want to go to McGill University, Polytechnic University, Concordia, or the University of Tennessee (I live like an hour from here so it makes it a nice contender) to study Bio-engineering in the field of organic engineering, but my parents don't have the money to send me to college, so I have to rely on getting college credit from school and scholarships. I'm not that kind of kid though, I'm the kid that teachers look at and say "This kid is a genius, but he doesn't do anything with it. He takes this hard classes and just glides through them.". I'm too lazy to be doing these hard classes. I'm taking AP Calculus next year. Do you know how hard that is? I'd assume that a lot of you took that in highschool, as you all seem like college students or older, and all seem really smart, but damn it's going to be hard. I'm also taking AP Psychology, French III, AP English, and AP World History. French is a hard damn language to learn, however my French professor is a great guy, so I'm sure he'll be able to give me all the help I need.

Rant almost over, but I just can't stress how scared I am enough.

I want some of your opinions and thoughts. Did you go through something like this? Any advice to help me?
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Please no . This is really serious to me, and although I don't think any of you here are like that, I just really don't want people to be all like "man u just suk, school is ez and life is ez.", because do that to me a lot, and it really pisses me off. If you actually read through all this, I commemorate you for your persistence, and I thank you for giving me actual attention. ily bby.