Views: 894 Who is H4xDefender Really? (Part two)
But why do I keep playing?
It's a mixture of a lot of things actually. (long tangents incoming)
For one, I'm way too ****ing competitive for my own good, but my desire to be a top player and go pro isn't the only reason I play as much as I do.
I started gaming at a really young age, but I was never SUPER into it until I started highschool, because believe it or not, I actually used to be relatively in shape and played traditional sports. (Mainly basketball). Until highschool began, I used gaming as a relaxant, and not much else. When physical limitations (I was like 5'2 and 90 pounds entering highschool ROFL) stopped me from continuing to play, I needed an outlet to satisfy my competitive urges, and it was around that time that I discovered that playing video games at a high level was actually a thing.
Before I got into league, I played a game called Combat Arms and got really ****ing good at it. Long story short, I was pretty much an undisputed top 10 player at points in my career before I retired, and even though the game didn't have anywhere near the playerbase of League, I took a lot of pride in what I accomplished, because getting that proficient at anything is really difficult. When I started playing League and realized I enjoyed the game, I knew immediately that I wanted to replicate what I had done in CA.
But of course, as League was my first MOBA, it wasn't going to come very easily. I put a ton of time into the game, but going pro seemed like nothing more than a pipe-dream until Season 4, over 2 seasons after I had started playing the game.
Season 4 was my "breakout season" so to speak. It was my first foray into the challenger series, and it's when I first established my name in the scene. Long story short, I went on hiatus after a few months of play because I wasn't good enough to play at a high enough level while juggling school. I may go into this in more detail later on, kinda torn on it because it would take a long time. (then again, these entries aren't exactly going to be short).
However, the sheer amount of time I put into the game did not go unnoticed by my parents. They did their damnedest to limit the amount of time I spent on the computer, and it wasn't without reason. The more effort I expended on getting better at League, the less I spent on school. I wasn't strictly a 4.0 GPA student, but I was close enough for long enough that it satisfied my parents, so I normally got quite a bit of freedom.
Nevertheless, I fully understood that the more time I spent on league, the more my grades were suffering... and I wasn't "ok" with it, but I didn't really take steps to prevent it from happening either. This has continued even up to today, and has become more and more severe as time goes by, but I'm too weak-willed to do **** about it, but I'll get into that later.
The point I was trying to make before that long tangent is simply that I played league (and really all games in general) for fun/to unwind before I realized I could actually make a run at going pro, but ever since I started working towards that goal, the line between my actual tryharding to improve and playing for pleasure has blurred. My natural competitiveness prevents me from really having fun when playing unless it is in ranked, but at the same time there are many instances where I queue up for ranked even though I know I shouldn't because my mental state isn't stable enough to play properly, and not playing properly at high ELO means you are going to ****ing lose, so I end up sabotaging my own rating most times. This is the main reason you'll see my ranking on the site fluctuate so much.
So basically, I spend a bunch of time playing because I want to go pro, but also because I play to have fun and satisfy my competitive side/relax. The thing is, these two things can't really go hand in hand, so I end up just frustrating myself... and more often then not, I go play league to fix this. (also, ranked isn't even necessarily the most efficient mode to play to improve, so I'm not improving as fast as I could).
...yeah I'm a dumbass.
if you actually read all this, you are an amazing human being
I'll probably address more personal things next entry. Definitely won't be today though.