I wish I had a Portal Gun

"I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I’m ****ing ******ed but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Apache” and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding." - Guuse

"uh, I identify as counterstrike and I find this globally offensive" - ???

Sittin' on chimneys, putting fire up my ***.

"I biked 12km in a blizzard today and mice are chewing on my chocolate bars. Life's good."

"Doing something, almost being done, then parents come in and don't let you finish.
Yes, I had a rough childhood." - devdevil

"If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses." - Henry Ford

"I contend we are both atheists, I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F Roberts