Tryndamere Humor Guide by Urza
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Are you the best-pro-awesome-player? Are you so good that you are able to play the World League of Legends Championship? Are you in ELO hell now? Have you fallen into the ELO hell just because of n00b teams, feeders, leavers and stupid idiots despite your divinity?
Well, this guide is all you need to earn what you deserve - i.e. 2000 ELO!!
Dante Alighieri described nine circles of the hell in his Divina Commedia hundreds of years ago. But Dante Alighieri was just low-ELO n00b!! And gay, of course. If he wasn't, he would described nine circles of ELO hell, not just noobish common hell that every n00b knows from the Bible.
But now, there is a guide where I describe all the circles of hell that you come through every single game; there are many advices for each circle in this guide - follow them and you become the pro player! To show everything clearly, I put into this guide even some quotes from real games (the most quotes are copied exactly letter-by-letter).
Circle 1: Ban
Prologue: Let's have a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here. And that, my friends, is how banning strategies are made.
Remember your first ban.... did you use your brain and ban some champions you don't want to play against? If you were unlucky and e.g. Mordekaiser wasn't among them, I assume that you were blamed by your teammates as hell. How to deal with it? You know that who don't ban Mordekaiser is ****ing n00b!! And you have to write it as much aggressive as you can!! If you don't write it clearly, somebody might doubt about your perfect knowledge about the game.
Some brilliant example:
** Amumu has been Banned. **
** Brand has been Banned. **
** Tryndamere has been Banned. **
** Annie has been Banned. **
Omuletzu2056: ****ers ****ERS ***** IDIOTS
Dragon Mage Urza: ?
Omuletzu2056: leave some1
Omuletzu2056: or we lose
Omuletzu2056: we lost its gg
Dragon Mage Urza: Whats going on?
Omuletzu2056: BAN MORDE **** **** ****
Omuletzu2056: mord ****ing op
Omuletzu2056: we lost its gg
LoH Hardniceguy: How old are you?
Omuletzu2056: ******S OP MORDE OP OP OP OP OP OPOPOPOPO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS
Dragon Mage Urza: Could you calm down, please?
Omuletzu2056: WHY U CRY LIKE MUTTER MIT COK INSIDE HER PUSIHOLE
If you are the banning one, there is also a great opportunity for you - you can show your teammates how noobish they are without their main champions. Ask them what they want to play and ban it. It's really simple way to raise the chance that your teammates fail and if you lose, it will be their fault, not yours.
Of course, I give you an example of that shining intellect:
** Amumu has been Banned. **
Dragon Mage Urza: I strongly prefer Karthus (my main champ).
Dragon Mage Urza: But I can also play (sorted by my preferences) other AP carry, jungler (some AP like Fiddle if possible), support, tank, AD carry.
** Karthus has been Banned. **
** Fiddlesticks has been Banned. **
SL0WLY: **** YOU **** YOU **** YOU **** YOU
eQ Crossis: omg
Dragon Mage Urza: FFS, why????
SL0WLY: **** YOU!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
Dragon Mage Urza: I just dont get it.... why have you done that??
eQ Crossis: because he is child
Dragon Mage Urza: Yeah, but I cant believe that he really banned my champs. Dont you wanna win, Slowly?
SL0WLY: **** YOU
Circle 2: Pick
There are some stupid noobs who pick their chars according to team (lol, *******s). But what about you? Well, you can come and say something like "ME AD CARRY". But you should feel that this isn't as profi as you are. Much better is be to be more specific - e.g. "ME TRYN SOLO". The more times you write it the better (and the very best is to write it many times but every time differently, e.g. "ME TRYN SOLO" and the next time "ME JANNA SUPPORT"; you can -of course- use your imagination, e.g. "ME KARN CAPITAN"; and watch that ****ers in your team - how confused they are because they are n00bs).
There is another problem. Your team don't see how pro are you and how low are they. And even more.... they are so noobish that they might not see your divinity in the game. But you can tell them!! Write it into the chat (something like "I AM ****ING PRO") and repeat it!! I think that 20 times is enough but feel free to write it many more times. Use your CAPS LOCK, of course.
You -as pro player- of course know how the team should look like. So after you write what you will (not want to, just will) play, start order your team what they just HAVE TO pick. It's obvious that you pick what you want and your teammates build a team around you. If they don't, they are so stupid; tell them to leave and/or that they are noobs.
All this advices look so good but none of them is the best. But I've met some guy who tightened picking to perfection. Unfortunately, I forgot to copy-paste that chat window; so I don't know that player's name and I can't quote him letter-by-letter but I'll try to reproduce it as good as I can.
A: Your picks?
PRO-PLAYER: Me tank!!!!
B: I wanna jungle.
PRO-PLAYER: ME TANK!!!!!!!!
C: I AD carry.
PRO-PLAYER: I AM PRO TANK ALISTAR!
D: I pick whatever we need.
PRO-PLAYER: I AM SO GOOD ALI
-- everybody pick, PRO-PLAYER was the last picking --
PRO-PLAYER has choosen Teemo.
PRO-PLAYER: MUHAHAHAHA, I WAS KIDDING YOU, **********ERS!!
There is one more alternative way how to pick. To show everybody you're pro, use the random picks. I have perfect example as usual:
Smashyour***: ur picks?
Dragon Mage Urza: I wanna pick Karthus if you dont mind. I can play whatever team needs (jungler, support, tank, AD carry, whatever - but I am better as AP carry, especially Karthus).
Esterino: i go random!!!!!
Drasiner: tank alan olmazsa mecbur alicam
Drasiner: what is 3nglish?
Dragon Mage Urza: omg xD
Esterino: i go random pick
Oswaldoo: don't pick random char
Esterino: i pick random
** Esterino has chosen Shaco. **
Dragon Mage Urza: Shaco jungle?
Esterino: no. shaco useless.
Dragon Mage Urza: Thats bad but can you jungle with Shaco?
Esterino: no. i can't. but i can fail this game.
You must be well-known as early as it't possible!
Your team must know what a peace of pro you are! You can tell them e.g. "I have my second accound with 2000 ELO. Now, you stupid n00bs, we lose cuz we dont have jungler." It's obviously their fault, not yours!
And the last important aspect of picking? You -of course- know what chars are usually banned. Because they are ****ing OP! If some of them isn't banned this game, pick him regardless you have never ever played him before. It's maybe better because you can write something like "My first time Tryn!! LOL!!" Then you must point out enemy's misstake, e.g. "Thx!! You havent banned Tryn!! Its GG." And when you chase your enemy into their jungle, something surprising happens.... then you can write something like "LOL! Its my first time Tryn and you have to kill me 4vs1. NOOOOOBS."
Circle 3: Before the minions spawn
There is a great opportunity for you to show yourself. You can scold somebody in every possible way. If your team doesn't have any jungler, you can scold them for that (e.g. "No jungler, n00bs. Its gg!!"). If there is some jungler in your team, he has to start somewhere. And it's your moment! Tell him that his route is for noobs. You are much better jungler. Let's assume that he chooses safe-route and he starts at the Wraith Camp. Write him "OMG. NOOB FIDDLE!! START AT BLUE!!" If he doesn't listen and starts at the Wraith Camp anyway, you can blame him for everything since now (e.g. "Omg, I just died because our jungler doesnt gank - because he didnt start at blue N00B!!!!").
If you are offensive-based player, there is great a potential action for you. You can ping their blue (at least 20 times) and run there regardless your team movement. Facecheck some bushes; if you find whole enemy teamy there, you can write (after you die, of course) something like "NOOB TEAM OMG NOBODY HELP ME!!". If you do this, your team will enthusiastically help you next time.
If you aren't so offensive, you can show yourself anyway. You can earn some exps or gold if you "help" your jungler to kill some mob. My friend met so PRO-PLAYER once. He plays jungling Master Yi and he starts at two small golems. That PRO came to him and stole that golems. He commented it by -exactly- this words: "MY GOLEMS"
You -of course- face another important decision: which lane you take? Well, you can read many guides and manuals to determinate which lane is the best for you but it's so noobish!! Why to read something? Just write something like "ME MID" and ignore the others. Go mid and stay there. You might meet somebody there but if you spam the chat and stay mid, he will go away. Some of your teammates might call you 15 yo kid but there is very funny answer for that. Tell them you are 13. HAHAHAHA, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY xDDDDDDDD
Circle 4: Surrender in 20
You aren't just pro. You also have insight! You are on top of things! It means that you stop your playing-afford in the moment when you see the first sign of failure. You must show your attitude to everybody. There is standardized phrase for this purpose: "surrender in 20". Remember the sentense; it's very basic thing, you can use it in many cases: "surrender in 20".
Has you enemy drawn the first blood? "surrender in 20" Has your turret fallen? "surrender in 20" Has your jungler lost the blue? "surrender in 20" Is your score negative? "surrender in 20" Is the team score negative? "surrender in 20" Have you been overleveled by whoever? "surrender in 20" Are you unsatisfied with anything? "surrender in 20" Don't you just know what to say in any case? "surrender in 20"
Although the sentense is important, it's not everything. Your complex attitude is as much important as the "surrender in 20" phrase. Everybody has to see your "surrender in 20" even if you don't write it. How to do that? Move somewhere out of potential fighting area (e.g. into the jungle, to the base etc.) where you can stand still and watch you allies fighting. Every time you see some mistake, point it out and laugh (e.g. "ROFL, nice placed ulti, HAHAHAHA"). If you can see somebody desperately defend a tower, don't go there; just wait till your ally fall and write something like "I sad surrender in 20 n00bs" then.
If you score some kill (steal) even if you are hidden somewhere, start play for a while. I don't know the exact reason why you should but other PROs like you behave that way. If you kill (steal) somebody else, continue playing. But stop that as soon as the next failure occurs. When 20th minute comes, start surrender-voting. If somebody says NO, he is noob and you should tell him (e.g. "OMG, we cant win this. STOP WASTE MY TIME AND PRES YES. **********A!!"). As the side effect, you just told everybody that your time is valuable because you have much important things to do than play League.
Circle 5: Laning phase
You are on some lane now. If it's bot lane, you have teammate. Otherwise, you are probably alone. The bot lane with support is probably the easiest position to show everybody how noobish your support is. Just run under enemy turret and if you survive, run under the next turret (if you are accidentally still living, run to the enemy base). Then you can write "OMG!! So n00b support!! Heal me you idiot!!" Everybody knows that your support is ******ed now. Everytime you die since now just write "OMG SUPPORT - UNINSTALL PLS!!!!"
Real situation example: My friend has played Soraka with one PRO on the bot lane. After my friend casted Astral Blessing and Wish to keep that PRO alive while turret diving, silenced an enemy by the Infuse and hit every enemy around by Starcall, that PRO-PLAYER died anyway without any kill. His reaction was "OMG USELESS SORAKA"
If you are alone on your lane, there is no teammate for you to blame. But there is your jungler AND other laners. Potential of jungler we can discuss later, now focus on the other lanes. If you are killed by enemy from some other lane, write ultimate phrase "nice ss" regardless what your teammates wrote to the chat before that. If they tell you that they wrote ss, just answer that it was too late. Nobody can prove you nothing.
If you are killed by the opponent from your lane, you can allways say that he is OP and it's fail of your team because they didn't ban that char and/or they didn't help you. There is one important behavioral pattern which never fails:
- Write your enemy that he is a noob and/or has bad build/runes/tactic/whatever.
- Run to kill him regardless everything.
- Write "OP".
Circle 6: Blame your jungler
You jungler is great person who can be responsible for all fails. After all, when you exclude your fault (which is logical because you are so pro), jungler is definitively responsible for your 0-4 score. Well, you know that but not the rest of your team. Tell them all! There is so many options of jungler fails.
Jungler doesn't gank your lane! Doesn't matter if you are all the time pushed at enemy tower, doesn't matter that you are without health, doesn't matter that there are enemy wards.... after all, doesn't matter that you (and your jungler) are level 2. You can always write "0 ganks = n00b junler". You can also call that noob for gank - especially if you have about 50HP - if he doesn't recognize that you mean "help me to defend my turret because I need base" by writting "gank my lane" and pinging some target, he is just noob and it's gg anyway!!
Jungler can't couterjungle as well as you need to completely prevent enemy ganks! If somebody ganks you, it's obviously your jungler's fault. He is supposed to counterjungle and if you are ambushed, he's noob (even if he's dead at the time).
Jungler isn't god! I.e. jungler is not you xD. If you were him, you would do everything better; let him (and your team) know what you can do better as jungler. He has to control whole the map so everything might be (and is) his fault.
Circle 7: Solo-play
You are the king of the game; your teammates are just your melody-boys. It means that they should go where you go. If they all don't follow you, they are just noobs.
Every time you can see enemy on low health, chase!! There is NO exception. Even if your base is under attack and you are the only living defender, chase!! You are there to get kills, your team is there for all other stuff.
You might get killed while chasing BUT it's definitely not your fault. If you rush for kill, your teammates have to protect you. They NEED you fed because the team is build around your character (whatever char it is; they know who YOU are).
If you kill somebody, don't forget to laugh him off. Here is one briliant example of enemy speach after killing our Rammus (notice how the intelect shines around):
ROFLOL idiots! Rammus = Ranubs! You are ****ing shemale! HAHAHAHA!
Circle 8: Culprit finding
After you lose, you need to find the guy who is responsible for that. Or maybe.... the guys.... your whole team (except of you - of course) in ideal case. After you find the culprit, scold him and tell about him to your team as well as to enemy team.
Most common culprit is the player with the worst score (or the second worst if the worst is yours). You can write (to public chat) something like "OMG!! N00b Soraka!! Report for unskilled and feeding!! Uninstall!!". For some undiscovered reasons are supports and/or tanks the best culprits xD.
If you are even more pro, you can aim higher. Blame the player with the best score. It's probably the behavior of the best pros. Just the genius is able to write "****ing n00b Akali, report her for **********ing" to some Akali with e.g. 32/4 while he has e.g. 0/22.
There is very important timing for this phase. You have to start finding culprits some time before the game ends. They might protest against your conclusions. There have to be enough time for quarreling. There is a great potential for interesting intelectual discussion. Here is some example. You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" You say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" They say: "YOU ARE NOOB!" Smart and funny, isn't it??
Circle 9: Endgame
The ultimate-universal-self-explanatory phrase is "NOOB TEAM". You just HAVE TO say that. Try it. "NOOB TEAM" And again. "NOOB TEAM" Again. "NOOB TEAM" Rewrite it hundred times because need to handle write it in very short time between your nexus explosion and the game ending. If whatever fails, you can write this into the after-game chat.
When I have some longer miss on my lane, I am used to ping the map and write "ss" repeatedly in time to prevent my teammates to forget that. Well, sometimes it's not enough (read the chat):
If you want to play solotop but there is (are) some solotop(s) already picked, you can go solotop anyway. If there are another people with your way of thinking, you can have four "solotop anyway" chars in your (ranked) team:
If there is some Singed in enemy team who deals some damage to you, focus him regardless everything (read the chat):
And something classic for the end.... if you want to play mid, go there anyway. If you are Tristana and there is Karthus in your team (picking before you), go mid anyway:
Well, I was probably the only guilty in Shawshank. I was in ELO hell just because of my own fail and stupidity. When I played somewhere around 1350 ELO, I have decided to leave every pick in which occurs some verbal abuse or something like that. It has cost me about 350 ELO until I realized that I lose some ELO everytime I leave a pick. I know, it's very dumb and I still can't believe that I was so stupid; but I was. So I fully deserved my month in ELO hell (but I am glad that I am not there anymore).
But I have made very interesting observation: I was probably the only one who was in ELO hell because of his own fault. Other players was usually in ELO hell because of n00b teams, feeders, leavers and idiots. Almost everybody with 1000 ELO is pro player who talk about ELO hell with all contempt and feel themselves like kings among losers; and they definitely show it as aggressive as they can. It's quite funny to play in team where all other members are awesome players, masters of the world, and their 1/8 score is just because of noob team fail.
There is very interesting question: if all that people are on 1000 ELO just because of noob teams, where are that crowds of noobs if everybody is pro player? Well, food for thought, it's mystery xD.
And the last interesting observation: if somebody writes "noob teams" after the game, he has probably the worst (or one of the worst) score in whole game xD.
Even if I want to write general guide, I think I have to select some champ(s) for it. I choose Tryndamere the Mana King. If somebody knows how to write a general guide without any champion, please, tell me xD