Biography

*For my Bio, I've decided to write some of my amateur comedy routine down. It's very dark humor, so don't read it if you're offended by jokes about death. Whenever I do my set, if anyone laughs (like that ever happens), I like to scream "SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO TELL JOKES. STOP LAUGHING", so try to imagine that's what's happening. Also, the murdering the homeless is all new material, never been tried on an audience before.*


"I'm a philosophy major, because I don't want a job when I graduate, but I want to understand why. So far all I've learned is that it's not about what you know, or what you can do. No, it's about how good your life looks on paper.
I've been trying to apply that bit of information to the real world. For example; if we stopped sending aid to African nations like Ethiopia, and instead tackled the real problem, we could easily end starvation. We can't give them money, we have to give them knowledge. "Give a man a fish, teach a man to fish" and all that. We have to give them knowledge of cannibalism. And if we did that, we'd look great on paper. It's not about right or wrong, it's about results.
Another fine example of this philosophy; we could end homelessness in America, simply by euthanizing all the homeless. If we did that, why, we'd look great on paper.
If I were in charge, I'd give blankets to all the homeless for free at shelters. These blankets would all be infected with small pox. I know this would work, because it's a tried and true method that was tested on the natives. Sure it sounds cruel, but if someone did it, they'd get some awesome bragging rights in Hell. Sure, they wouldn't compare to Hitler, or to Dahmer, or to Jobs (Take that, Apple fans!), but they'd have most of the regulars beaten out for sure. While I'm talking about Hell, I'd like to mention that I think Satan has an unfair reputation. The guy spent forty days in a desert trying to give a starving guy some bread, and that makes Satan the bad guy. I mean, it's not like Jesus was worried only eating bread would give him scurvy. I knew a Christian who told me that Jesus died for my sins, and that ruined the end of The Bible for me. I was going to finish that one day. She was a bit of a nut job, she thanked the Lord every day she woke up alive. I thought that was weird, because it's not like you can wake up dead.
Right now I don't have a job, which is good training for when I get that philosophy major. This gives me time to watch the SciFi channel. I remember seeing a movie where a zombie ripped off a guys arm, and beat him to death with it. Thankfully the network remembered to censor the word "****", because God forbid the children of America grow up to be serial killers with poor vocabularies.
If I did have a job, I've always wanted to run a Euthanasia clinic. That's my dream job. I'd advertise my services to the elderly, the sickly, the lonely, Christians looking for a loophole into Heaven, and extremists too lazy to blow themselves up (Speaking of which, Osama bin Laden, worlds greatest terrorist, or worlds worst Jenga player?). I'd offer a buy one, get one free discount. I'd also offer a group discount to suicide cults. The nice thing about a Euthanasia clinic is that my only competition would be Do It Yourselfers, which is the only competition that eliminates itself.
I had a friend that tried to eliminate himself. He tried to overdose on Tylenol. I sent him a card that said "Better luck next time!". Maybe next time he'll try to paper cut his wrists. I honestly don't see how someone could live with themselves after attempting a suicide.
I'm pro euthanasia, but I'm strongly against abortion. That fetus doesn't get a choice, and that fetus could become a child. I'm also against menstruation. That egg could have been a fetus. While on the subject of abortion, I'd like to talk about Casey Anthony. You know, her daughter Caylee had a heart of gold. Which is probably why she sank to the bottom of the pool. But that's what happens with sink or swim parenting. Joking about a dead baby, never gets old.
I know my stance on abortion should make me popular with the ladies, but surprisingly I was never very good with the ladies in High School, and things haven't changed much in college. Maybe it's because I consistently refer to them as "the ladies". Although, once I almost had a three way. I was only short two people.
One day I walked up to a girl and I told her "Hey, if you have a spare twenty minutes, I have a spare twenty dollars." and she said "Go **** yourself". That's what I was trying to avoid! So she left, and came back with her boyfriend, or maybe it was her brother, or maybe it was both. I'm not one to judge. The guy asked me what I said to her, and I told him "I let her know that if she had a spare twenty minutes, I have a spare twenty dollars, but if I have to pay you instead of her that works too." He told me to watch what I said about her. I thought that was weird, because I can't watch words.
Even though I don't get all the ladies, I did use the services of a sex addicts anonymous once. Well that's what I call it, you probably call it a glory hole. Using a glory hole isn't gay, if that's what you're thinking. I know it's not gay, because I was able to assume it was girl on the other end. I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay. If anything they're lucky. They get to look forward to prostate exams.
I'm turning 21 this year, which is great because I'll finally be able to deal with my problems like an adult. Right now my creative process for all my jokes is to take some oxy, and when I wake up whatever I've got written down is my set, and I think alcohol is really going to improve my comedy. Because writing comedy isn't easy. Sometimes I wish I could just copy an actual comedians set, like Bill Hicks. But I can't do that, because I'm not Dennis Leary. Twenty years ago, that joke would have been relevant and hilarious.
That's all my time, you're welcome"