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Caucheka Reviews: dmc devil may cry

Creator: caucheka
January 15, 2013 10:09am
25 posts page 1 of 3 Forums » Off Topic » Caucheka Reviews: dmc devil may cry
Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by caucheka » January 15, 2013 10:09am | Report
before we go any further i would like to point out that the game being reviewed has a rating of M(18+) in the united states, therefore there will be quite a few things that may shock or disturb etc

also, to fully go into depth on this review, it will be full of spoilers. for those of you who think that ninja theory can pull a masterfully crafted story that has you guessing at every turn, think again.


oh boy where do we start. dmc devil may cry (simply referred to as dmc from now on) is a video game for the ps3 and xbox360 consoles, with an inevitably terrible pc port coming out 10 days post launch. this game is the first dmc we've had in a few years, and its a reboot. so take everything you thought you know about dante, vergil, and mundus and throw it out the window because its done. we will never again see these characters.

i'm going to break down the review with a few headers, mostly the a) controls and gameplay, b) the story and characters, and c) miscellaneous. i'm also going to be heavily comparing this to the previous dmc games, mostly in terms of gameplay, because they should want to attract a reasonable amount of interest without alienating the fans of the previous titles.


A) Controls and Gameplay



first thing we gotta do with any game is look at the controls. its how you are going to play the game, and they are vitally important. i'll show you the control scheme for the previous dmcs, if you havnt played them before.


for some of the more advanced moves like stinger and the launcher, they had directional input. locking onto an enemy and moving back while hitting attack would do the launcher, while forward attack would be the stinger, for examples. otherwise this control scheme is fairly simple. now lets look at the control scheme for the new dmc.



oh boy where do we start. one of the first thing to note is that theres no buttons to swap styles on the fly. well, thats because there are no styles. with the removal of lockon you can't use directional input to add new moves, so the launcher has its own dedicated button, which replaces the style button. secondly, the addition of the angel/demon stance triggers puts the weapon swap where the style swap used to be. and to clear confusion, pressing up swaps your ranged weapon, left swaps angel weapon, and right swaps demon weapon. theres 2 demon weapons, 2 angel weapons, 3 guns, and rebellion, the standard sword.

so instead, we have 2 dodge buttons for no real reason, and parry is the same button as attack. yes, mindlessly mashing attack will auto parry everything. and lastly theres no taunt button.



dmcs combat remains heavily unchanged and the few changed parts actually work for the better! - not tameem

no, not at all. the combat in the new dmc is terrible, even insulting to the previous games. there is no difficulty, enemies run at you and then spend practically an entire minute telegraphing that they are going to hit you before they actually swing, and the game has been reduced to a mindless hack n slash.

because of no lock on all but one of the bosses (later) are extremely huge and take no effort to hit. enemies (including bosses) have barely any moves, and don't gain new moves as the games difficulty goes up, unlike its predecessors. whats even worse is as you gain new weapons, the game actively works to restrict your choice. oh, this enemy can only be hit in the belly. this one can only be hit in its butt. this enemies red so hit it with a demon weapon, this ones blue so hit it with an angel weapon! The only enemy of note is that one who will occasionally parry back at you, all others are easily forgettable.

the chain/whip actually adds a semi interesting platforming element, yet it quickly loses its charm. The environments are actually well crafted, but they start to feel real bland and uninspired as the game drags on, which is a conundrum in itself as you'll be breezing quickly through the short game.

Story and Characters



dmc devil may cry is an amazing story with very real fleshed out characters. - not tameem

so this is going to be a long wild ride, so hold onto your butts im going to try to condense it a little bit.

so mundus the demon king, posing as a powerful business man, is poised to buy up all the debt every country owes to eachother, making him ruler of the world or something. but the only thing that stands in his way are the 2 only existing nephalim, dante and vergil. nephalim are the children of a union between a demon and an angel. and even though nephalim dont have hearts for some reason, mundus still wants to 'rip open his chest with my bare hands, and feast on his still beating heart'.

on a side note, mundus killed dante and vergil's parents, so shouldnt he of had the chance to have killed them already? anyway, so mundus releases a hunter demon to find them. dante is first seen, being a bum living in a trailer. hes woken up by some woman banging on the door telling him a demon is coming to kill him. the demon arrives and pulls dante into limbo, a seperate reality where demons exist.

dante kills a few weak mobs before the first boss fight with the hunter demon, whos slow and doesnt move much. after killing the demon the woman, named kat, takes dante to meet the order and his twin vergil. vergil is the leader of the order, a group of super elite hackers who wear masks and are fighting against da demans. masked hackers? thats new. vergil explains everything he knows about their parents, mundus, and the demons. the demons control practically every aspect of our life, you see, from tv we watch down to even the soft drinks we enjoy.

after ****ing around a bit dante goes to stop the soft drinks of evil. turns out the evil soft drink has a secret ingredient... bile produced by a giant slug monster which is apparently called a succubus because we have to have one of those in every game dealing with demons. this succubus is uninspiredly named poison, and i cant help but feel like i've seen this kind of idea of a bile soda before, on an old tv show..

picture related, its dante and poison.


this scene has some amazing dialog and you should totally listen. (sorry for bad quality)


as for the fight itself, its a giant demon that doesnt move and has 4 attacks in total, which includes a mirrored version of another attack (left/right swipe).

after you kill the succubus you are treated to an extremely poor sex scene, of mundus humping his wife apparently. you know, the kind of sex scene where nothing is shown and mundus' **** is magically back in his pants the second he pulls back away from her. their sex is interrupted because mundus knows the succubus is dead and that saddens him.

next up you go to kill the media man. a demon named bob barbas who runs raptor news network (raptor as in eagle). hes on tv talking about how vergil and the order are a bunch of terrorists who are out to destroy muh freedoms and yadda yadda. the boss fight involves a giant head that doesnt move, where you avoid lasers, punch buttons on the ground, then beat up the head.

somehow kat manages to get captured by mundus so dante goes and captures mundus' wife who was just impregnated a month ago. it should also be mentioned that mundus' wife looks like a shriveled up ***** because shes wearing human skin and it doesnt fit. it kinda looks like an allegory for botox. gee, so original.

so they go do a trade off, a swat team dropping off kat while dante and vergil drop off mundus' wife. at this point vergil has a regular sniper rifle for no reason. while they are walking past eachother, vergil squeezes the trigger, putting a sniper bullet through her stomach. the demon has enough time to realize what just happened and utter an 'oh no' at having a forceful abortion at the hands of a rifle, before vergil grins and puts a shot through her head and kills her. later on no one even seems to vaguely remember vergil getting enjoyment out of shooting a fetus still in the mothers womb because its never brought up.

so the swat team open fire, and miss every shot. i dont even know what they were aiming at, their hostage kat was in the wide open and defenseless, if i was one of the swat guys she would be what i was shooting at because they just permanently backed out of the agreement. anyway they all get away in the vergilmobile just fine even though mundus is in total rage mode about losing his unborn child and wife.

now comes the moment we've all been waiting for, the fight with mundus. after talking to mundus for a little bit dante taunts him by saying how priceless it was to see his unborn child explode into bloody bits. mundus turns into a giant demon monster who barely moves and heavily telegraphs his limited arsenal of attacks (havnt seen this before either).

then mundus is dead and the world of demons is revealed to the humans because somehow mundus was preventing the demons from being seen or something. this reference might be more obscure, but its a ****ty rip off of they live. except instead of being weak aliens, they're demons. and then the media of today explodes with the demon reveal.. yes. you guessed it. that kind of media of today. (since i cant find a video of just this scene, skip ahead to 14:40.)


wait a minute.. what was that at 15:13? @superninjatam sounds vaguely familiar, almost as familiar as the twitter of tameem antonidas, chief designer at ninja theory, who made this damn game.


BUT WAIT, THATS NOT ALL. if theres one thing that needed to be shoehorned for no damn reason into this game is a boss fight with vergil. vergil does a complete 180 and says that, since they are going to protect the humans from teh demons, that they should rule. so dante beats up vergil and is about to kill him when kat comes out of nowhere and says 'dante if u kill him ull be just like him'. so dante spares vergil and vergil teleports away. at about the halfway mark, dante started to get white hairs, up until the end of the game where after nearly killing vergil his hair is half white. and then you unlock white hair dante skin.

and i forgot what part this was but a white wig lands on dantes head, he looks at himself in the mirror and says 'not even in a million years' before taking it off. because **** the people who bought every dmc beforehand and made it popular.


now lets talk about the characters for a bit.

there are no characters in this game. dante is shown as an ******* who wears the same outfit every day without washing it. hes sleazy, apparently sleeps around with lots of women, gets drunk. an anarchist punk with no respect for authority.

vergil is a sadistic plotting madman who kills fetuses and then grins. i don't know if he was evil the whole time or if he really just does a 180 end.

kat is some wiccan who had a demon as a stepfather. she uses wiccan paint that she made to open up portals and allow her spirit to enter limbo. this wiccan paint has a few ingredients listed actually in game, one of which is squirrel sperm. i wish i was ****ing kidding.

ironic enough, the only character that seems like a real person is mundus. for the supposed most powerful of demons, the demon king, he shows grief and sadness when an easily replacable succubus dies. i don't know about you, but i would expect a demon king to just find another ***** to impregnate, either that or he'd have a harem of *****es that he ****ed regularly. he seemed pretty loyal to his wife, and actually did a good part playing the charade of a real human.

the other source of irony to be found here is that, for the entire anti-corporation and anti-media themes, they sure stirred up quite the media following of this controversy. this also reeks of paid off reviews.

it feels like a dmc game to me! -every reviewer who has never actually played a dmc game before


Misc




the end credits show off ninja theory's office, ending with the ****** who played dante flipping off the camera as he rides off on a skateboard.


ninja theory and capcom make plans for dmc2

i don't even know what the **** to say anymore. i wouldnt be surprised if this was ninja theorys final nail in the coffin, or if ninja theory continued making games. every game they've made has been so lackluster, barely selling any units. but capcom hired them because they make good stories. or at least, the people they hire to write stories for them did. but the person who wrote heavenly sword refused to work with them again, along with the person who wrote enslaved.

also it didnt help that capcom and ninja theory repeatedly stated that they didnt give a **** what the fans of dmc thought of the new one.


Rating



pros:
you can breeze through it in an afternoon, with perfect timing too, i was throwing up right as the credits rolled

cons:
terrible control scheme
terrible gameplay
terrible characters, story, dialogue
day 1 dlc
preorder at gamestop for bonus ****
iphone app


if this was its own hack and slash game, and you could get over the ****ty story and dialogue written by a pack of 12 year olds on xbox live, this game would get a 3 out of 5 stars, or maybe a more generous 4.

but its not, it is literally raping everything we loved about a well established franchise, and for that, dmc: devil may cry gets 1 aborted fetus out of 5 (since i cant give it a 0).
I like things that make me feel stupid. - Ken Levine
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by OTGBionicArm » January 15, 2013 10:23am | Report
Yea. I was immediately turned off by this game because that is not Dante. It looked promising as an actual game but now after seeing some actual in game stuff, meh.
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Ninja Trigger » January 15, 2013 11:32am | Report
yeah going by the cons I wont be getting this one.
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Vaan99 » January 15, 2013 12:03pm | Report
It looked bad even from trailer. I still think I'll give it a try, but I'll bring puking bag just in case.
Thanks for review!
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Ninja Trigger » January 15, 2013 12:11pm | Report
Why does capcom always have to do this to their games when ever we want something easy we get something completely different, is resident evil 7 going to be the same way saying the entire series was just the umbrella corporations CEO daughter dream and the whole thing never happened, just give us Dante, and good Gameplay
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Searz » January 15, 2013 2:18pm | Report
You're being waaay too biased in your review. It does not look like a good game, but this is not a very good review either.


I'm really sad to see newer games focusing on pretty much everything but the actual gameplay itself.
"every now and again you come across a game that has so little emotional connection to who you are that you end up standing there, gazing at the screen and saying "I'm just pressing buttons and my life has no meaning,"" - Colin Campbell
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Toshabi » January 15, 2013 3:19pm | Report
Just saw "Caucheka" and "Review" in the name of the title of this thread and assumed the review was going to be a load of horse ****.










Glad you didn't disappoint, Caucheka.




I just got the game and I'll be doing a review on this game.
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Searz » January 15, 2013 3:22pm | Report
^I'm eagerly awaiting it.
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by caucheka » January 15, 2013 5:34pm | Report
Toshabi wrote:

Just saw "Caucheka" and "Review" in the name of the title of this thread and assumed the review was going to be a load of horse ****.


the only thing here thats a load of horse **** is this game.
I like things that make me feel stupid. - Ken Levine
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by FalseoGod » January 16, 2013 1:38am | Report
So most reviewers online give it 8+ out of 10. Reader reviews average from 8+

I come here and it just sounds like someone who took the game from a "Imma hate it coz it's not my onld dante qiu qiu" perspective and the word "change" seems to hurt their butts. I played the demo and I liked the combat system of which you speak so lowly. Yeah, the succubus dialogue was over the top in terms of cursing, but I actually expected that kind of **** from being a demon who's getting slashed by some random dude.

But hey, I'm also biased, I think Dante looks hotter :>

****s given about the review: 1.5 out of bananas

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