“Well, I think it’s official; Sejuani rage-quit.”
“Dude, feel this Sunfire Aegis! It’s like, so soft!”
“Really, Lee. Now’s not the time! Our tank just left!”
“DUDE! If I stacked Sunfires do you think the softness would stack too???”
“No, Sunfire’s don’t stack anymore...” *Sighs*
“You would know.”
“Shut up. What are we gonna do about our tank problem?”
“Dude, where’s Graves and that chick?”
“You mean my sister...”
“Yeah, that chick.”
“I dunno actually. Their date should’ve been done by now...”
“Haha, you think she’s discovering her Destiny?”
“Lee...”
“Get it? Cause by ‘Destiny’ I mean his gun--”
“Lee, I get it.”
“And by ‘gun’ I mean his d--”
“I GET IT.”
“Haha, dude! Wait, no, dude, I got a better one!”
“Lee I swear to God...”
“Do you think she’s helping him ‘reveal’ his ‘Destiny?’--”
“DEMACIAAA!!! *Uses Decisive Strike* That outta shut you up for a bit.”
“Mmm?-- mrph! Yrr mrrthrrfrrckrr!!”
“Yes, you do have a Jungling problem, don’t you?”
“Hrrrm! Hrr mrrph phr mrrrrphrr!”
“Well, the first step is admitting it. *Turns away* What the hell am I gonna do about Sejuani... there’s that new guy, what’s his face... Nautilus?”
“Jrrrt Hrrm Trryhrr?”
“Hmm?”
“Hrrrm! Hrrrm!! Jrrrst Hrrrst Tryrrts!”
... *Glances at watch*
“Hrrrrm--AHHHH!! *Gasps for air* What the hell, Garen?? How long is that silence?”
“Not long enough.”
“Why I outta--”
“So what were you trying to tell me?”
“Oh; just host tryouts dude. Like, find a tank through interviews or something, I don’t know...”
“...That’s not a bad idea. Nice thinkin’.”
“What’s Graves’ passive again?”
“Uhhh, I think it's True Grit: he gains more armor and magic resistance the longer he stays in combat.”
“So the longer in action, the harder he gets?”
...
“Haha... get it? Cause--”
“DEMACIAAA!!!”

Meanwhile...

*AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN.*



“SEJUANI!! WTF??”
“Udyr calls shenanigans!”
“That was pretty funny.”
“What? She’ll respawn in a minute or so.”
“Did you see the look on her face? *Looks down* Well, what’s left of her face...”
“Haha, yeah; I got her good.”
“That is NOT how we treat teammates!”
“That’s how I’d teammates if it were up to me.”
“--Which is why you’re not in charge of the team. Sejuani, what were you thinking??”
“It’s a long story. *Kick’s Ashe’s body in amusement* But I had a very good reason for doing that.”
“Well??”
“Well what?”
“What WHAT’S the reason?”
“I just said! A very good one!”
“You’re much cooler than I previously predicted.”
“I don’t know what went on in your last team lineup, but here you don’t kill teammates.”
“Yeah, that was our policy too unfortunately.”
*Sighs* “I guess I’m willing to forgive that offense just as long as you promise not to do it again. If you do, you’ll be off the team.”
...
"Well?"
*Respawns* “Ugh... what happened...?”
...*Smiles*

*AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN.*



“Okay, so what do you have to offer as a tank for our team?”
“Well my affable companion the spikes I conjure from the bailiwick can cease our enemies strategic advancement or evasion, thus giving us the advantage in mobility!”
“Uh huh.”
“My scream punctures the ears of many an opponent, rendering them useless as well as halting any further incantations, abracadabras, alakazams, what have you.”
“Uhhhh huh.”
“I have the sustainability of an immortal and occasionally I shall allow myself to tap into the darker, more boorish side of my nature and feast upon the living. Rather carnivorous for my taste, but there are a few champions I enjoy to indulge myself with. *Licks his lips* Like that fun-sized yordle you all seem so fond of; Teemo, I believe! One of the more scrumptious delicacies I’d had the pleasure of savoring.”
“Uhhhh... huh. *Looks down at clipboard* Um... I’m gonna put “Beefy, can pop-up and silence. *Thinks for a minute* And likes to eat Teemo. That’s definitely a plus.”
“Hey dude you got a health pot--- AHHHH!!!!!!”
“What??”
“AHHHH!!! *Points at Cho’Gath* BAD TRIP, MAN! BAD TRIP!”
“Is he referring to my presence?”
“It’s so angry! Smite it! Smite it with fire!”
“Well, I never! *Begins to walk away* Good day to you both.”
“Lee! What the hell man??”
“Oh my god... dude... you’re never gonna believe what I just saw...”
“Red monster of nightmarish proportion?”
“You saw it too??”
“That was going to be our future tank!!”
“Wha?-- oh...”
“Yeah...”

...

“Wait, how can you see?”

“Ugh... *Taps clipboard* So... tank; you. Go.”
“Tank. Mhmm.”
“...That’s what you are, right?”
“Yup.”
“So what can you do?”
“Okay.”
“I didn’t-- what?”
“Yup. Okay.”
“I didn’t-- I mean, I don’t-- ...what?”
“Mhmm.”
“That wasn’t even a word.”
“Okay.”
“Uh...”

“WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO???”
“Okay.”
“A HALF HOUR. A WHOLE HALF HOUR AND YOU’VE SAID FOUR WORDS!!”
“...Tank?”
“DEMACIAA-- *Lee walks into the room* Oh thank God! Deal with this for me.”
“But I just--”
“DEAL. WITH. THIS. *Walks out of interview*
“Um... *Picks up clipboard* Hey there.”
“I thought the interview was going alright. What’s his problem?”
“I’m not sure...”

*Sighs* "Okay... deep breath... there’s no way this could get worse than last interview... *Takes a deep breath* So! What do you have to offer us as a tank?”
“Sim, eu sou um tanque.”
“Oh dear god no.”
“Mordekaiser es numero uno! Huehue!”
“Haha! Dude we gotta recruit him. You can’t kill the metal.”
“Eu estou na equipe?”
“Maybe if he spoke the same damn language as us!!--”
“Well, he just asked if he was on the team. I can’t leave him hangin’ without an answer dude.”
“He asked-- wait, you--- I mean--- wait. *Collects thoughts* You understood that.”
“Yeah dude.”
“You can speak Spanish.”
“Dude that’s racist. It’s clearly Portuguese.”
... *Turns to Mordekaiser* "Oh-Kay. Yoo kan joeen teem as tank! Iz that good?”
“Dude he’s not stupid.”
*Glares at Lee* “Fine. I’ll queue us up.”
“Eu estou na equipe?”
“Yes-- err, I mean, sim.”
“Ah-ha! Isto é notícia boa, huehue!”
"Haha, I like this guy. *Looks around* Wait, where’s Lux and Graves?”
“Damn it, where are they??”
“Lux é a sua irmã?”
*Whispers to Morde* “Yeah, that’s his sister. She went on a date with Graves and hasn’t been back since.”
“Haha, Ele mostra seu ‘Destino?’”
“HAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“What’d he say?”
“You don’t wanna know dude.”
“Hmmm... I guess we could queue for Twisted Treeline.”
“No way man! You know that place freaks me out dude! I’m out.”
“Oh come on Lee, that’s a stupid fear. You gotta get over it!”
“People say the trees are alive there dude!”
“Você conversa sobre Maokai?”
“What?”
“Lee, you can do this. It’s just a forest full of dead tress. Nothing is alive in there.”
*Sighs* “Fine... but you owe me for this dude.”
“Don’t worry. I know a guy who can get you green buff...”
“O que é isto 'Green buff?'“
*Stokes sunfire cape and smiles* “So soft...”

WELCOME TO THE TWISTED TREELINE



VICTORY!

*Aftermath...*

“Dude, good job! I didn’t know you could do so much damage!”
“Eu sou metal, huehue!”
“Haha!... what? Damn it, where’s Lee Sin for the translations... and Lee, what’d I tell you? You can conquer your fears! Nothing went wrong that fight!”
“Mordekaiser es numero uno!”
“Yeah yeah that’s great. *Looks around* Lee? Where is he? *Turns to Mordekaiser* Did you see Lee leave the Twisted Treeline after the fight?”
“O que?”
“DID YOO SEE THE BLIND GUY LEEV TWISTED TREE-LINE?”
“Ohhh, Lee! *Looks around* Ehh, Onde ele é?”

........

“Oh no.”