Garen Humor Guide by Zedera
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Hello everyone, it's me again! I am your host for today's show, and after two successful (and hair-raising) interviews with some of the deadliest women on Runeterra, I've decided to turn to one of Runeterra's deadliest men. So, today, we will get to interview League of Legend's mighty champion, Garen! Surprisingly for such a well-known hero, we know very little about his past. All we know is that he's a Demacian hero, and that he's Katarina's love interest. In this interview, we'll get to shout DEMACIAAA!!! with our favorite Demacian champion, ask him what's his favorite food, and maybe learn a few other little fun facts about him. As you can tell from the runes above, Garen is mighty, fortified, forceful, and strong. Wait, what!?!?!? Those aren't personality runes! Well, whatever, we'll find out his personality soon enough. Anyways, without further ado, It's my pleasure to present to you....
(Applause in the background)
Breaking out the shades for the interview, huh? Welcome to the show Garen!
Thank you for inviting me to this show. It's great to see so many people coming out to see this interview. How are you all doing?
So, Garen, how have the Fields of Justice been lately?
Oh, it's been great. The League has never been a better place, especially with all the new champions coming out. I just wish more of my fellow Demacians came out to support our cause, especially after Riven arrived...
Ahhh... Riven. What do you think of her?
She has a bigger sword than me T_T
...So does Tryndamere.
Yeah, but Tryndamere doesn't matter because he's a wannabe me! He can't even spin properly, and half the time he has to get angry just to survive when he should have been dead already! He's a complete joke! But Riven...
Her sword is broken, her clothes don't match, she tells bad jokes...
...And she's a Noxian who has a bigger sword than I do! Seriously, whenever she reforms her sword, I don't dare to come near her. That sword is WAY too big!
Wait, so do you run from her?
Well no...more like I make a tactical retreat.
...That's called running.
No, there's a big difference! Most people run away. I spin away!
:D That's more like it!
^_^ It's what makes the Fields of Justice such a great place to be.
Alright, next question. What's your favorite food?
Oh...food... (stomach growls)
...Garen, did you have anything to eat before coming here?
I did have a good meal...but just mentioning my favorite food makes me hungry again.
Well...what is it?
It's...it's hard to describe. It's this delicious and succulent meat that we recovered in the middle of a raid on Noxus, the same one where we rescued Jarvan IV from being executed by Urgot. We took it back and had it cooked at camp, and then we all ate it, and it was...bliss...you can see it in the picture here, back when Urgot had it:
Manatee, 1/2 off...THAT'S URF!!!
YES, IT IS!!! YOU ATE URF!!!
Oh well. He tasted good.
OH WELL!?!?!? THIS IS URF WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!!! THE ADORABLE, LOVABLE, MANATEE-ABLE URF!!! AND YOU ATE HIM!!!
Well, at least we gave him a proper burial.
What, you buried what was left of him? Bones and all?
No, not bones. Just what was left of him.
What was left?
Tail and whiskers.
How...Where's the justice in this!?!?!?
What's the justice in wasting good food!?!?!? We said our prayers and gave thanks to the manatee god before eating him, and we gave him a proper burial afterwards.
Well...yeah...it just seemed like the right thing to do. Besides, his grave makes for good decoration on the Summoner's Rift in the fall, and I hear that Urf's ghost sometimes comes out to attack Warwick. It's pretty funny actually.
Try some manatee, and you'll like the way it tastes. I Garen-tee it!
(facepalm) Ugh...we're moving on! Let's discuss today's main subject!
Well? What do you think of her?
Well, before I say anything else, let me just clarify this. She's a Noxian and an enemy, and the next chance I get I'm going to kill her.
...That's what she said.
But beyond that...
...Yes? Go on...
Well...she's beautiful...she has long, pink hair and pretty features and an amazing sense of fashion, and that scar across that one eye makes her look even prettier. She's a true warrior at heart who knows how to use those knives. And despite her tough attitude she's soft inside and has trouble pronouncing certain words, which makes her even cuter. And when the sun shines on her face... I mean, if I were a Noxian I'd totally go out with her. Come on, how can anyone resist someone like her!?!?!?
Oh, trust me, there are plenty of people who can resist her....Are you sure she's not just a psychopathic maniac waiting for a reason to spam all hell in knives at you the first chance she gets?
...Did you just call her a psychopathic maniac?
W-wait, I didn't mean it like that!!!
(Five minutes later)
(wearing bandages) C-can we finish now?
Alright, last question. It's about your sister, Lux. How's she doing?
Fine, thank you. >.>
I mean, anything going on lately, parties and such?
If you're going for her, you can give up now. She's already taken.
:O Really? By who?
It's still a rumor, so I can't say much myself, but She's engaged.
To Jarvan IV.
That's bad news. >.>
...Why is that?
I don't mind him as a leader. Jarvan IV is a might warrior and a great friend, and I've known him since childhood. But as a person, he's arrogant, cold, and short-tempered, with no regard for women, and a cold take on justice that allows for no exceptions in extenuating circumstances. And he smells.
Is there anything you'd like to add?
M-my lord!?!?!? Y-you heard!?!?!?
H-how did he get here!?!?!?!?
I snuck in through the ventilation shaft.
And yes, Garen, I heard everything. First of all, I'm not engaged to Lux. And secondly, now that I know what you all think of me...