-Your reflexes are slowed
-Your thoughts no longer connect in a logical pattern
-Your ability to split internal stimuli from external is hindered
-Everything is ******* hilarious
-Not much makes sense at the moment
-That poster on your wall is awesome
-You'll be hungry in about 10 minutes
-You'll wander off mentally
-You might AFK from reality. And the game.
-Cottonmouth might become an issue
-You may want to take a nap at 20:00
-Your team may forfeit at that time
-You may be distracted by that Aztec Temple over there


-You can't see red: You won't get caught making heated decisions
-You won't be aggressive: Patience is easy when you don't know what the **** is going on
-You won't wander off: You fear you may get lost if you wander off alone
-You'll conserve mana: Holy ****, I forgot I had skills!
-You'll be at the base to defend: Because you missed the memo that there was a team fight
-You'll have map awareness: From the unorthodox jungle paths you use to get to team fights
-You'll have lots of IP boosts: Because your dumb *** forgot if you bought one or not, so you buy another one and repeat this process 4 times.
-You'll gain champion diversity: Because you have no idea who the hell you picked or why you have the runes that you do

Play a ranged champion

You simply don't have the brain power to know how to get out on time with a melee champion. The extra range will give you a much bigger chance to get out alive. Just like they tell you in the rules of the road book, like... adjusting your speed in bad weather and rain and stuff. You gotta be able to sllow yourself more time to stop if the road sucks.

However, do not play a tricky ranged character either, such as Lux. We're going for as little brain power as humanly possible here.

Blitzcrank



Blitzcrank has a failsafe in case you forget that you were fighting. If he gets below a certain level of health that I can't remember right now (seriously, I stared at the ceiling for like 10 minutes trying to remember), he gets a shield based on his maximum mana. He can also just chill in a bush and yank unwilling enemy champions into teamfights, and then use his speed boost to get out and let the alert, functioning, cognitively active remainder of the team handle the rest.

It's cool because they throw their ult at you and it kinda goes "pffftt" in a burst of smoke and then makes a whoopie cushion noise.



You're gonna kill me with your magicxz omgzorz... oh wait, I has a spell shield. trolololol.



AHHH MAHHHGAAAAAD THEY KILLED ME.... Oh wait. Nope. I'm cool.



I'm just gonna spam my skills like mad, mk? I don't care what I hit, fireballs for everyone, hell, I'll even send a dark binding at a siege minion because it's cool. And you know what? It's all gonna make me MORE POWERFUL!



Oh hey. You wanted to kill me and stuffs? Well now I'm a golden statue of awesome and I hope it ruins your day. I'm gonna sit here and enjoy how shiny I am. Because it looks cool. Go hit someone else.



Because its the only way you'll ever take 1/3 of someone's life while you frequently lack the capacity to find the mouse.


If you stand out of battle long enough (or forget where you are), you'll regen all your health. On top of that, if someone finds where you chose to nap in the bushes, it's like strapping on a new pair of nikes and running like a drug dealer from the cops.


Tons of defense, lots of life regen. Makes you harder to kill if you accidentally wander into the enemy's base. Also, if someone is chasing you, this is a lot like getting busted shoplifting and throwing every display in the store down in front of your chaser.

---

So, Logically, a good high build would be

Maximize your damage output with deathfire grasp. yeah. Even on AD champions. Just go in, grasp them, and run your *** away with shurelyas. Slow them with randuins too. If they throw an ult at you, banshee's blocks it. If they keep hitting you with magic, hexdrinker keeps you alive. If you die, guardian brings you back up. You have lots of life, lots of MR, lots of armor, and lots of regen. So.... you should be safe.

During champion select, after you've picked


There's some time to kill, might as well bubble up.


The loading screen


Because some people play League of Legends on one of these...


Waiting for the first minion wave


Cuz you won't be doing anything about it if they gank you anyway.


While Dead


Because you sure as hell have no idea what to buy.


While free farming


Because it makes the effects of your skills look cooler and it's pretty much autopilot after the first auto-attack anyway. Nobody is expecting you to actually last-hit, here.


Waiting to defend against a Baron push


They'll come. I don't see what the big hurry is. We stand here, they plow in, we try and kill them. We have a few seconds to kill before they get here.


Post-Game Chat


Because who cares what everyone is saying about you, anyway?

Well, it goes kinda like the goalie in this video.
Play Video

It's easy...

Just stay the hell out of everyone's way, do whatever you can to throw a hit in here or there, but for the most part, your brain isn't up to speed to be handling this kind of stress, so it's a good idea to just back away and go attack the wraith camp or something. Something that won't hurt you. Kinda like watching Thomas the Tank Engine to counter-act the horrific scenes of a horror movie you watched while baked because you're stupid. Let the wraiths be your Thomas, and never speak of this teamfight again.

Shhh... there, there. (Pats on back)

Maximum mobility. Flash away, ghost, get out of there. Flash is also great for "ah ****, this tower doesn't want to be friends" moments. Ghost is also terribly entertaining because it removes unit collision. You can pretend you're godzilla stomping all over Tokyo by walking over minions and mumbling roaring sounds to yourself.



For if you get stuck in a lane with someone. At least you can keep THEM alive while they do all the work. Plus, the glowy effects they create are pretty cool to look at. Sometimes I feel like the savior of minions. I'll see one about to die to another minion and be like "No, little minion. Today you LIVE." and heal him. Yeah. He's my buddy now. He dies at the next wave though. Its heartbreaking.


Good for making yourself useful. Oh hey, that tower has our minions at it. Nobody is watching. Teleport to minion, promote Mr. Siege minion, push the tower. Boom. You just back-doored while baked. Now your team can't call you useless. But what usually ends up happening is that I feel so accomplished in my feat that I'll go after the next tower. I'm so excited that I forget to wait for my minion wave. I try and convince the enemy minions to help me out in exchange for amnesty and scholarships, but they just let me die.

If your team knows
that you're baked, they'll probably report you.

So try and use big words. "Hey derp, are you gonna go gank top?"
Your response would be "Indubitably, good sir, on the double!"
Then stay put, because you won't do much good anyway, and apologize when they die.
"I experienced a large spike of lag which rendered me unable to assist you, and I grieve at your fall in combat."
Win.


"Hey, derp, can you leash blue?"
Well, since you don't want to flail about and faceplant and get yourself and the jungler killed, try:
"I believe it to be a more strategic manuever if I were to keep ward upon the river to alert you of oncoming hostile entities. I'll inform you of any malicious status immediately."
And then go stand with your thumb up your *** at the river and look useful.


"Hey derp, you stay back and watch the base? We'll push"
Well that leaves way too much responsibility on your hazed shoulders. Follow them.
"Derp, what the hell are you doing?"
"I felt the base was secure enough that I would accompany you on your siege endeavor."
No one is the wiser.


"Hey derp, take that inhibitor!"
What the **** is an inhibitor?
"By your lead, comrade, you've had glory thusfar, it would undermine my respect for you to lay siege to the described objective!"
Damn I'm good.



"Hey, derp, watch for ganks!"
****, they're coming?!
"Noted, comrade, your assistance drives me to great glory, and I respect your willingness to assist me."
Run the **** into a bush like a maniac and stay there until all threatening presence is gone.


"Hey derp, do you want red?"
Cool glowy thing under you for the next few minutes, HELL YEAH!
"I would lay claim to this aura only if you yourself are comfortable with granting me this favor."
Grab red, scurry off and stare at it. Oh... and keep farming I guess.

---

I'll add more later.

/Ignore *username*

Sorry for the jumbled mess of colors. It looks pretty cool from where I'm standing.

Contributions welcome, help me make this the definitive guide on the subject!