Step 1: go top
Step 2: back and buy items
Step 3: give up xp and gold to bully the **** out of your laner
Step 4: farm ig
Step 5: FIRST BACK CRSTALLINE BRACER
Step 6: hard pivot to guinsoos
Step 7: Dont leave top unless you personally benefit or are splitting another lane
Step 8: 100% winrate

You need to know how to shroom and control minions around them or you will lose.

||THE SECRET||

Autopathing. If you understand how champions autopath, you understand how to shroom. A^2 + B^2 = C^2 --> The shortest distance between two paths is a straight line. Champions always autopath along the shortest distance. They hug corners. Place them on corners, the sides of lanes and anywhere you notice that YOU autopath.

DOT Debuff. The damage does not stack. Putting multiple shrooms in one bush is stupid and if you do that you're ****ing stupid. If I step on a shroom and .5 seconds after, step on yet another guess what? I just took an extra like 10 damage in exchange for ~100 mana and 12 second CD (I don't know the numbers and I don't care because I am efficient enough with shrooming to not have to worry about it). Place them APART. The DOT is 4 seconds, so place them 4 seconds in distance apart.

Combat Shrooming. The shroom takes 1 second to arm. One whole ****ING SECOND. That means if you are running from an enemy, don't throw it at them, throw it beneath your feet, or in a place that will make them have to walk around.

Insurance Shrooming. After you kill your laner, or are about to back, try placing a shroom in the middle of lane where the enemy minions will walk. Even if just the melee minions get SOME damage, it will case your lane to slow push OR EVEN prevent the enemy lane from chipping your tower.

League of Legends is not a video game. It is a psych ward and mental exercise. You win by getting into the enemy's head. Make them AFK. Make them int. Make them your *****.

Tips on how to win the psychological game;

Get mastery rank 7+ with eternals --> press ctrl+6
Pres ctrl+6 anyways
Emote on them
Ctrl+4 = Laugh
When they are at your mercy and are dying from DOT/ have one mare AA before dying --> press b and ctrl+6
Type "?" after they die
Keep them typing

Successfully completing this hidden quest will reward you with Teemo's hidden passive for the rest of the game: Global Taunt

According to the wiki, it does the following: "Upon completing the hidden Teemo Quest, gain the following benefits: When enemies have vision of Teemo on their minimap, they will become Tilted, causing them to autopath and attack Teemo until he is either dead or missing. This ability is refreshed anytime Teemo uses any emote, gets a kill, or successfully escapes with low HP."

Once you have Warmogs, you are online. You never have to leave lane. You never have to back. Oh you pushed up too far and enemies are after you? Invis + warmogs. Boom you're ready to split once they're gone. Chip towers, pull enemies, avoid fights. Only fight champs you can kite. Oh there's no champs you can kite? You ****ing idiot, why did you pick this build you tool. Oh yeah BTW, this really only works if at least your laner is kiteable. I have won lane vs a Ksante before but that's only because I have 2 billion mastery points on Teemo (source: trust me).

If you don't know basics of splitting, I (also a Yorick one-trick) will tell you how to do it:

Look at what major OBJs are up. Is dragon spawning soon? Is Herald up? Whatever OBJ is up, be in the OPPOSITE LANE (given landing phase is over).
Dragon= Run top
Rift/Baron= go bot

You are not meant for team fights, avoid them.
If your team is grouping, check the enemies. I go by this saying: "3 or more, time to backdoor".Your contribution to the team lies within the Hidden Teemo Passive. It will pull at least 2 enemies away from teamfights, giving your team leverage in fights.

My Lawyer and Sponsor have advised me to say the following:
I do not condone being toxic. All toxic suggestions are for satirical purposes only. Always adhere to the Summoners Code.