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Felt like writing a story

Creator: zomgpwnedanoob
March 22, 2012 1:21pm
16 posts page 1 of 2 Forums » Off Topic » Felt like writing a story
Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by zomgpwnedanoob » March 22, 2012 1:21pm | Report
It's not LoL related at all. Just felt like writing one and wanted to know what your guys opinions were on it. Negative criticism is welcome, but don't be rude for the sake of it:<

A wispy smoke arouse from the ground, making that particular night even darker. Clouds of unknown intent blanketed the sky, preventing the full moons rays from illuminating the Earth. Tension could be felt all around, as well as a murderous feeling. Growing, growing, I could feel it creeping ever closer. A cold chill blew against the nape of my neck, causing me to shiver. I swung my arm as I turned around in an attempt to fend off whatever was behind me.

Nothing, nothing was there. All senses had left me; I could no longer hear the sound of my knees hitting each other as I quavered, the bitter chill had numbed and robbed my skin of any warm that was once there. I spoke to myself in a hushed whisper “this must all be a dream, I’m dreaming aren’t i?” but I knew it wasn’t. It was too real.

As the wind blew, I heard a sound. Was it a voice? Hearing it again i was able to make out the word “Run.”. I headed in the direction of the voice, desperate to find someone, anyone. “Run.”, hearing it louder this time I knew I was close.

Before me a man clad in a black robe appeared. His face was pale almost to the point of being opalescence. “Why did you not heed my warning.” He muttered. “It is now too late for the both of us.” Said the old man, with his voice shacking as he remembered some cruel suffering from his past. “It is coming!” he bellowed, falling to the ground.

A bright, red and blue flame roared across the sky, setting the clouds alight. The ground beneath me began to split and tear, creating a spider web affect. A belching roar beneath the Earth’s surface sent molten rock and debris flying in all directions. A gale force wind blew, ridding my surroundings of dust, returning my sense of sight. Before me stood nothing other than a demon, its wings spread far across the sky. Molten lava dripping of its body, hardening and encasing it in a stone like armour. I turned to the old man next to me but it was to late, his mind was lost to his own insanity.

With every step the demon took, the very foundations of the Earth were being shook. Unable to keep my balance I fell to the ground.
The demon lowered its head and with a menacing smile upon its face it spoke to me “This is the beginning, of the end”.
By: JBC(aka zomgpwnedanoob:)

Yes the ending is very cliche but i liked it:)
Thanks to JEFFY40HANDS for the awesome sig:D
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by wRAthoFVuLK » March 22, 2012 1:22pm | Report
kewl story bro

Thanks to TRUeLM, Plastictree, Scrax, Xiaowiriamu, foggy12, JahGFX, jhoijhoi, msrobinson, JEFFY40HANDS, Nyoike, MissMaw, and me :) for the sigs!
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by zomgpwnedanoob » March 22, 2012 1:26pm | Report
thank you:>
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Xenasis » March 22, 2012 1:34pm | Report
Hope you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism! -

"Tension could be felt all around, as well as a murderous feeling."
Show, don't tell. What is a murderous feeling? Don't you think directly saying it might foreshadow a bit too much? When audiences think they've figured something out for themselves before it happens they enjoy a story more.

“Why did you not heed my warning.”
Question mark!

"his mind was lost to his own insanity."
Makes no sense. This old man hasn't shown signs of psychosis before, and you don't really explain how he got to that state. Why does this old, seemingly resolute man suddenly turned insane almost instantly but the main character hasn't?


Not a bad story, in honesty. I felt it could have been longer. You didn't explain where you were (or how you got there) but you explained what WAS there well.


I got given this to read when I got directed to a published Sci-Fi writer who works at my school to improve my Sci-Fi story at the time. It's really good. Your story is fantasy, rather than Sci-Fi (as it is made for), though the two overlap quite a bit. Worth a read for any budding writer, I'd say.
http://www.flashfictiononline.com/docs/Turkey_City_Lexicon_Primer.pdf
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by zomgpwnedanoob » March 22, 2012 1:41pm | Report
Thank you. It was actually for a English essay I had to write. Limited to 400-500 words(+-) unfortunately, else i may have made it longer. Hmm, I guess i should change the murderous feeling and insanity parts. With the story so short it limits me a lot.

Once again thanks:) And i do appreciate constructive criticism:)
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by zomgpwnedanoob » March 22, 2012 1:43pm | Report
Sadly my PC doesnt have Adobe on it so I am un-able to read the story piece that you linked:(
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Xenasis » March 22, 2012 1:50pm | Report

Sadly my PC doesnt have Adobe on it so I am un-able to read the story piece that you linked:(


It's not a story piece, it's a set of dos and don'ts for writers, essentially.

You can download Adobe Reader for free!
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by zomgpwnedanoob » March 22, 2012 1:51pm | Report
I'll have a looksy and try to find an Adobe dl
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Xenasis » March 22, 2012 2:03pm | Report
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by zomgpwnedanoob » March 22, 2012 2:06pm | Report
Seems interesting. I shall read it when I have the chance:) Finishing up my Essay then off to bed lol. Are you a writer yourself?

Couldnt think of anything else to replace the murderous intent part. So it's not all that different:/

->Immense tension could be felt all around; intent to kill pieced my chest causing me to shudder. Growing, growing, I could feel it drawing ever nearer, it lusts for blood.
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