The Jokes Thread.

[quote=SkullzX]Hello everyone, recently someone made a free RP:) thread and asked everyone to put jokes to try and get the reward...IDK if this was a fake or not but, I do know we need a jokes thread and here it is :). If you have any jokes post it in the thread and I will then put them at the main page. I will sort the jokes into categories for your convience. Rule: 1. Try not to repeat jokes but, change a few minor details. 2. Can be as offencive as you want, but IT HAS TO BE A JOKE, example WHY did tyrone fail math class...because he was black is not a joke and will not be put into the joke section since it's just being racist! I made a new rude joke section basicly anything goes thats a joke. If someone is offended by a joke it can be requested to be taken down. 3. Don't insult people because their joke(s) "suck" or you dont like it. 4. If possible say what chategorie(s) you will want the joke in(i get final choice but, if you say ANTI Jokes and i find it's more of a rude joke then I might put it in the rude section). 5. JUST HAVE FUN! Normal: [spoiler] So Stalin was writing a speech for a grand celebration the next day. After writing for a few hours, he gets tired, and gets up for a break. When he returns to his desk, he finds that his pencil has just... dissapeared. Not giving it much thought, he gets another one and keeps writing. After having another break and returning, the new pencil is gone as well! He takes a third one, now a bit suspicious, and continues. After many breaks, and many pencils gone, he finally calls the KGB headquarters. "This is Comrade Stalin, someone is trying to sabotage my speech for tommorow! All my pencils have dissapeared! Find the saboteur and make sure it doesn't happen in the future." When returning to his desk, he sees all the pencils had just fallen under his chair. Relieved, he ccalls back the KGB: "Don't worry, there is no saboteur, the pencils just dropped off the desk." And the KGB responds: "But Comrade Stalin, we already arrested 1000 suspects, and 500 of them confessed!" ____ Some time ago, a series of unexplained murders happened in the USSR, so a group of foreign investigators was brought in to resolve the situation. They were brought in a giant warehouse, filled to the ceiling with corpses. They asked their guides: "From what did these people die?" And the guides respond: "Poisonous mushrooms, all of them!" After that, they were brought to a second warehouse, even bigger, also filled with corpses. "And these people? What was the cause of death?" "Poisonous mushrooms as well!" Moving on, after a third, and a fourth, and a fifth warehouse, all filled with unfortuante victims of poisonous mushrooms, they finally reach a last warehouse. This one is filled with corpses with a bullet wound right between the eyes. So the investigators ask: "How did these people die?" And the guides respond: "They refused to eat the mushrooms!" ___ One day, a guy goes to the local church to confess his sins. He says to the priest: Father, i have to confess something. During WW2, i hid an allied soldier in my basement. The priest says: That is not a sin, you should be proud! You saved a life! The guy responds: Yes father, but... i charged him 500$ every month. The priest says: Hmmm, that is indeed a sin... but i can forgive it, because it was for a good purpose. The guy, really happy, walks off.. Suddently, he turns around and asks: Father, one last thing... Do you think i should tell him the war has ended? _____ A woman was speeding and a police officer pulled her over. Woman: what can I do for you officer. Office: You were speeding mamh can I see your drivers licence. Woman: Oh sorry I can't do that I lost it. Officer: what do you mean you lost it? Woman: I lost it from drunk driving 3 times. Officer: well can I see your car registration then? Woman: nope, I can't do that either. Officer: why not? Woman: I stole this car and murdered the owner, he is cut up into little pieces in the trunk. *officer then walks to his car and calls for back up* *5 minutes later 3 police cruisers arrive* *senior officer approchs the car with his gun drawn* Senior Officer: Miss I was told that you stole this vechial and murdered the owner is that true? Woman: NO, I did not! Senior Officer: please open your trunk mahm. *the trunk opens* *senior officer goes to look and finds nothing* Senior Officer: I see nothing is back there can I take a look at your registration I was told this car is stolen. *woman shows him registration* Woman: anything else officer? Senior Officer: I was told you don't have a drivers licence aswell. *woman looks through her purse and pulls out her drivers licence* Senior Officer: well it seems I was misinformed, I am sorry mahm. Woman: yes, yes it does I bet that lieing officer even accused me of speeding. _____ Why did the mexican push his wife of the cliff? Tequila ____ How does every racist joke start? looking over your shoulder ___ What do you do if you see your t.v. yell drop it ___ ^related^what is faster then the guy stealing your t.v.? his brother with the VCR! [/spoiler] League: [spoiler] [[nocturne]] noc..noc [[garen]] who's there? [[nocturne]] DDAARRRRRKKNNESSSSSSSS! [/spoiler] Knock Knock: [spoiler] Knock knock Who's there? Interupting cow Interupting [color=#ff8000]MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/color] [/spoiler] Dirty: [spoiler] A woman was waiting in the reception of a hotel to take her key. Suddently, a guy walks in, and accidentally hits her with his elbow on the chest. Trying to apologise, he says: "If you heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." And she responds: "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, i'll be in room 202." _____ A guy with erectile dysfuction desperately wanted to have sex with his wife, so he visited a doctor. The doctor gives him some pills and says: These pills will help you, but be very careful: never take more than 2 a day. Very happy, the guy goes home and tells his wife to get ready. He takes a pill, and it tastes really good. he takes another one, and another, and another. Finally, he goes to his room. Suddently, the whole family is woken up by the screams of the wife. Everyone runs outside of the room, when the door bursts open, and the guy runs out and starts fucking everyone, the wife, the mother-in-law, the father-in-law, the dog... And then he just drops dead. On his funeral, the father-in-law is approached by others to say how sorry they are about this tragedy, and he responds: "You have no idea about tragedy! He is dead, my wife is pregnant, my daughter is pregnant, the dog died too, my ass still hurts, and we had to blow him 7 times to close the casket!" ____ A guy who really loved old "chopper" motorcycles walks in a store, and sees an old Harley Davidson, in perfect state and shining. He walks up to the store owner and says "I don't care how much it costs, i NEED that motorcycle. Just tell me how you kept it in such condition." The owner says "Sure thing, i just make sure to cover it with industrial lubricant every time it rains. It keeps her nice and clean." The guy buys the motorcycle, buys some lubricant too, and goes off. The next day, he meets with his girlfriend, who says to him: "Tonight we are having dinner with my parents. Be very, very careful though: We never talk while eating. Anyone who talks must wash the dishes." The guy thinks ok, not that hard. That night, when he visits the parents, he sees an unimaginable picture: the entire house is filled with dirty dishes. The hallway, the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, everywhere there is only one thing: dirty dishes. A bit worried, he starts eating at dinner. After a while, he just can't take it anymoe: he HAS to talk, but he can't just wash all those dishes! After thinking a bit, he approaches his girlfriend, and starts kissing her. The parents ignore them. After a bit, he starts touching her all over, and then they just start having sex on the table. The parents are now very surprised and alert, but noone speaks a word. After he is done with his girlfriend, he turns to her mother. A nice woman, she'll do. He starts kissing her, touching her, then they start having sex right there, next to her husband. The poor father has panicked, he is trmbling, but he just won't say anything, until the guy is done with the mother too. Suddently, thunder is heard from outside, and it starts to rain really hard. The guy, remembering his chopper, pulls out the industrial lubricant, so the father jumps up and says: "OK, OK, I'll do the damn dishes!" [/spoiler] Anti jokes: [spoiler] What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?? The wheel chair! ___ What's the difference between a trampoline and a sack of dead babies? I take my work boots off before jumping on a trampoline. ____ How do you make a plumber cry???? Murder his family. ____ what do you call a brown man driving A 747 plane in the U.S.A? A pilot [/spoiler] Rude jokes(People may get offended this is for the "bad jokes"): [spoiler] They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million jews! ___ People say dolphins are really intelligent... Yeah, but only compared to the retarded kids we got them swimming with. ___ A black guy and a mexican are in a car who's driving? The police. ____ what's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't yell when you put it in the oven. [/spoiler][/quote]

[quote=Zeprido]Hi SkullzX, content such as this is usually directed to the off-topic sub-forum located here: http://www.mobafire.com/league-of-legends/forum/off-topic[/quote]

[quote=SkullzX]Ok can I transfer it somehow? or should I just re make it? or do we have one alreay...never read that thread XD.[/quote]

[quote=Minho]Well, a mod / admin can move it. Not sure if there is a thread though, I think that the Riddle thread started by Jebus might apply to this kind of thread? IDK :P[/quote]

[quote=PsiGuard]Moved to offtopic. There is a "LoL funnies" thread stickied in OT but I don't think there's one for non-LoL jokes.[/quote]

[quote=SkullzX]Well everyone likes a good joke so please post some! ALSO A RIDDLE THREAD I GOTTA SEE THIS IS LOVE RIDDLES![/quote]

[quote=Anastasios]Here are a few, i posted one of them in that thread about free RP too. [spoiler] So Stalin was writing a speech for a grand celebration the next day. After writing for a few hours, he gets tired, and gets up for a break. When he returns to his desk, he finds that his pencil has just... dissapeared. Not giving it much thought, he gets another one and keeps writing. After having another break and returning, the new pencil is gone as well! He takes a third one, now a bit suspicious, and continues. After many breaks, and many pencils gone, he finally calls the KGB headquarters. "This is Comrade Stalin, someone is trying to sabotage my speech for tommorow! All my pencils have dissapeared! Find the saboteur and make sure it doesn't happen in the future." When returning to his desk, he sees all the pencils had just fallen under his chair. Relieved, he ccalls back the KGB: "Don't worry, there is no saboteur, the pencils just dropped off the desk." And the KGB responds: "But Comrade Stalin, we already arrested 1000 suspects, and 500 of them confessed!" [/spoiler] [spoiler] Some time ago, a series of unexplained murders happened in the USSR, so a group of foreign investigators was brought in to resolve the situation. They were brought in a giant warehouse, filled to the ceiling with corpses. They asked their guides: "From what did these people die?" And the guides respond: "Poisonous mushrooms, all of them!" After that, they were brought to a second warehouse, even bigger, also filled with corpses. "And these people? What was the cause of death?" "Poisonous mushrooms as well!" Moving on, after a third, and a fourth, and a fifth warehouse, all filled with unfortuante victims of poisonous mushrooms, they finally reach a last warehouse. This one is filled with corpses with a bullet wound right between the eyes. So the investigators ask: "How did these people die?" And the guides respond: "They refused to eat the mushrooms!" [/spoiler] [spoiler] One day, a guy goes to the local church to confess his sins. He says to the priest: Father, i have to confess something. During WW2, i hid an allied soldier in my basement. The priest says: That is not a sin, you should be proud! You saved a life! The guy responds: Yes father, but... i charged him 500$ every month. The priest says: Hmmm, that is indeed a sin... but i can forgive it, because it was for a good purpose. The guy, really happy, walks off.. Suddently, he turns around and asks: Father, one last thing... Do you think i should tell him the war has ended? [/spoiler] A few dirty ones: [spoiler] A woman was waiting in the reception of a hotel to take her key. Suddently, a guy walks in, and accidentally hits her with his elbow on the chest. Trying to apologise, he says: "If you heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." And she responds: "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, i'll be in room 202." [/spoiler] [spoiler] A guy with erectile dysfuction desperately wanted to have sex with his wife, so he visited a doctor. The doctor gives him some pills and says: These pills will help you, but be very careful: never take more than 2 a day. Very happy, the guy goes home and tells his wife to get ready. He takes a pill, and it tastes really good. he takes another one, and another, and another. Finally, he goes to his room. Suddently, the whole family is woken up by the screams of the wife. Everyone runs outside of the room, when the door bursts open, and the guy runs out and starts fucking everyone, the wife, the mother-in-law, the father-in-law, the dog... And then he just drops dead. On his funeral, the father-in-law is approached by others to say how sorry they are about this tragedy, and he responds: "You have no idea about tragedy! He is dead, my wife is pregnant, my daughter is pregnant, the dog died too, my ass still hurts, and we had to blow him 7 times to close the casket!" [/spoiler] [spoiler] A guy who really loved old "chopper" motorcycles walks in a store, and sees an old Harley Davidson, in perfect state and shining. He walks up to the store owner and says "I don't care how much it costs, i NEED that motorcycle. Just tell me how you kept it in such condition." The owner says "Sure thing, i just make sure to cover it with industrial lubricant every time it rains. It keeps her nice and clean." The guy buys the motorcycle, buys some lubricant too, and goes off. The next day, he meets with his girlfriend, who says to him: "Tonight we are having dinner with my parents. Be very, very careful though: We never talk while eating. Anyone who talks must wash the dishes." The guy thinks ok, not that hard. That night, when he visits the parents, he sees an unimaginable picture: the entire house is filled with dirty dishes. The hallway, the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, everywhere there is only one thing: dirty dishes. A bit worried, he starts eating at dinner. After a while, he just can't take it anymoe: he HAS to talk, but he can't just wash all those dishes! After thinking a bit, he approaches his girlfriend, and starts kissing her. The parents ignore them. After a bit, he starts touching her all over, and then they just start having sex on the table. The parents are now very surprised and alert, but noone speaks a word. After he is done with his girlfriend, he turns to her mother. A nice woman, she'll do. He starts kissing her, touching her, then they start having sex right there, next to her husband. The poor father has panicked, he is trmbling, but he just won't say anything, until the guy is done with the mother too. Suddently, thunder is heard from outside, and it starts to rain really hard. The guy, remembering his chopper, pulls out the industrial lubricant, so the father jumps up and says: "OK, OK, I'll do the damn dishes!" [/spoiler] More to come later.[/quote]

[quote=Canoas]Don't credit the person who posted the joke as it's clearly not the poster who invented it. You should either credit the original creator of the joke or no one at all. Also, I would try to keep the jokes as short as possible. lots of short jokes > lots of long jokes[/quote]

[quote=SkullzX]We all know the chances are they didn't make the joke...just who said it or brought it to our attention. Yeah I guess it is a bad idea though to credit people for jokes.[/quote]

[quote=Canoas]I know plenty of jokes that are offensive.. as to me they're the funniest. This might be against the rules, so I'll only say one and if it's ok I'll post more. They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million jews![/quote]