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Pro Help on Pro Essay QUICKLY

Creator: MrCuddowls
September 10, 2012 1:27am
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by MrCuddowls » September 10, 2012 1:27am | Report
Ok so i have to write an essay for school and woke up with only 3 hours left until i have to leave so i wrote this. If you see anything that can be improved please say so. But do so QUICKLY



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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by MrCuddowls » September 10, 2012 2:50am | Report
No one wants to help ;(
you guys are mean
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Anastasios » September 10, 2012 2:57am | Report
What is the theme of the essay? What did you have to write about?

Many thanks to MissMaw, LaCorpse, Xiron, Arcana3 and Joxuu for making me sigs!
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Embracing » September 10, 2012 3:03am | Report
Err your essay's really messy. I don't know what your topic is. Is it games only or also other leisure activities? Include your topic in your thesis statement.

______________________________________________
When people stop having fun, an onset of boredom takes place. <Elaborate one or two more lines> After making that point, I believe that everyone should have fun in their lives. I have always followed this belief by playing games. Even now and in the future I will continue to play games and even create them.

I started to play games when I was around four or five years old. <redundant> The first game I ever played was Doom and I enjoyed it a lot. Branching off from Doom I started to enjoy more and more shooter games, such as ___ and ___. As I started to grow up, gaming became more and more prominent in my life. The first game I played when I was ___ was Fable. I instantly fell in love with the franchise and have played every single sequel game after. Even to this day I still play the series quite a bit, even though I already finished each game of the series multiple times.

<Relevance? You talk about your own life starting from when you were young then drag it to now, so you should talk more about how games have impacted your growth>

I have always liked to sit down all day and play on my computer. I think that everyone should also have something they get completely stoked about and want to play, whether it be a sport or a video game or anything in between. So yes if you want a quick answer, I have been playing games all my life and I have certainly been having fun doing so.

Today I play games every day. I’m focusing the most on this two-year old game called League of Legends, since I'm trying to get a professional career in it. <You can elaborate on how LoL is competitive if you wish>. I have also bought the newly released MMORPG Guild Wars 2 and have been enjoying it a lot. I still play both games A LOT and won't be stopping any time soon.
<New paragraph>
Now in terms of other things I do to have fun, I like to argue on forums. It's <What is?> very entertaining speaking with people who like the same thing <vague> you like about things<vague> related and un-related to the purpose of the forums. <Elaborate on this. Pull in specific things that occur> Everything else is not enjoyable at the moment; these are the only three things I do to have fun at the moment.


my brain hurts and im not gonna try to read the rest of your essay

Just remember ALWAYS HAVE STRUCTURE.
Intro - Drag the reader in and state your thesis.
Paras - FOCUS ON ONE ASPECT of your topic each paragraph
Conclusion - Bring everything together, restate your topic sentence in a different way, and drag it to a worldy ending.
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Canoas » September 10, 2012 3:18am | Report
I only read your first paragraph, and I'm sorry to say that it doesn't make much sense. I can still improve it a bit though,


Quoted:

I believe that everyone should have fun in their lives because when people stop having fun an onset of boredom takes place and <insert cause from boredom>. I have always followed this belief by playing games, even now, and I will continue to do so for as long as I live and hopefully, in the future, even make them.




You say not having fun causes boredom, which is fcking obvious btw, but you never say what's wrong with boredom. You need to say why is boredom bad so you can use it as a reason to play games.
At least with that the first paragraph would make sense, but it would still be idiotic. Everyone in the planet wants to have fun, there's no one who would say otherwise. If you want a valid reason you need to drop fun and instead use something that's unique to video games. You can find fun in millions of activities besides video games, you need to state a reason as to why video games is as good as playing basketball or football, because if all video games give you is "fun" then they are clearly a waste of time.



I didn't bother to read the rest. The first three lines were enough for me.
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by MrCuddowls » September 10, 2012 4:58am | Report
Is it really that bad
Well whatever turns out i have a dentist appointment so ill change things with the tips you give
Ill post the next version which i hope isnt as much torture to read later when i get to it
Thanks for the help
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by MrCuddowls » September 10, 2012 5:00am | Report
Canoas wrote:

I only read your first paragraph, and I'm sorry to say that it doesn't make much sense. I can still improve it a bit though,






You say not having fun causes boredom, which is fcking obvious btw, but you never say what's wrong with boredom. You need to say why is boredom bad so you can use it as a reason to play games.
At least with that the first paragraph would make sense, but it would still be idiotic. Everyone in the planet wants to have fun, there's no one who would say otherwise. If you want a valid reason you need to drop fun and instead use something that's unique to video games. You can find fun in millions of activities besides video games, you need to state a reason as to why video games is as good as playing basketball or football, because if all video games give you is "fun" then they are clearly a waste of time.



I didn't bother to read the rest. The first three lines were enough for me.

THANK YOU
This actually helped a lot when i read it
I have an entire day to change the essay
I will change things based on what you said and make it specific to games
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Embracing » September 10, 2012 5:02am | Report
Yeah it's actually quite disorganized :/

Just think through it before writing. Write an outline listing out the general points your essay will cover then start your essay following the outline.
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Mooninites » September 10, 2012 2:17pm | Report
I copy and pasted you essay and added revisions in red next to it:

_______________________________________________

When people stop having fun, an onset of boredom takes place. A general assumption that has no way to be proven, weak arguent After making that pointyou didn't make a point, you stated an opinion, I believe that everyone should have fun in their lives. I have always followed this belief, followed it by playing games that ischoppy sentence that doesn't make sense, use of I and first person has no place in english. And Even now and probably forever I will continue to play games and soon even make them.another assumption that cannot be proven

I began playing games when I was very young. I think I was about four or five years old when I began playing gamessince you are the author of this essay you are the experts, saying thinks like "i think" puts doubt into the readers mind whether you are an expert. The first game I ever played was Doom and I always had fun playing the simple 2D shooter2d is slang term, you should use two dimensional. As I grew up, gaming became more and more prominent in my life. The first game I ever played when I came to America was fable. I instantly fell in love with the franchise and have played every single fable it is important to clarify there is more than one fable. I still play it now, sometimes you imply that you play it quite frequently, then contradict yourself by saying you only play it some of the time, though ive finished every single game a thousand times unless you have actually completed it 1000 times you should avoid making drastic exaggerations . I always liked to sit down all day and play on my computer. I think that everyone should also have something they get completely stoked slandabout and want to play, whether it be a sport or a video game or anything in between a phrase that doesn't necessarily mean anything. So yes if you want a quick answer this implies we have questioned you, you don't want the reader to question you, you are the expert, I have been playing games all my life and I have certainly been having fun doing so.

Today I play games every day. I’m focusing the most on league of legends since im trying to get a professional career playing the game. I bought the newly released Guild wars 2 and have been enjoying it a lot. I still play both games A LOT there are other ways to put emphasis on something without capslockand won't be stopping any time soon another assumption. Now in terms of other things I do to have fun now, I like to argue on forums i seriously laughed out loud, but in any case, you could just say something like "in addition to video games I enjoy discussing them on online forums. It's very entertaining speaking with people who like the same thing you like about things related and unrelated to the purpose of the forums. Everything else is no doesn't make sense, those are the only three things I do to have fun at the moment.

Now in terms of this having an influence on people, I currently don't see what I do having influence on anyone nor would I force such a belief on to them. BUT I will be making an influence as I grow up assumption #4 is it?. I will be majoring in game design (in college) and later start a Game Studio assumption 5 and 6. The games That will be made will be aesthetically pleasing, having nice graphics, but also incorporate a rich story and deep gameplay assumption 7,8, and 9. I will bring new innovative ideas and change the way people think of games forever.assumption 10

So now you can see that games have had a big influence on my life and I know I would be very bored with out them. I think everyone should have a game to play. I began playing games when I was very young this was stated earlier in the essay, playing them all day long. I still play games today though my views of games and of everything people do to have fun have completely changed. And I hope to influence the world by have a career making amazing and memorable games. Enjoying life, requires anything people have fun to do.

I think you need a lot of help writing essays, this is a grammatical nightmare. It's hard to tell because I don't know in what context you are writing whether it is formal or informal, I also don't know what you're supposed to write about. I guess i'll give you some tips for writing, or at least how I write
  • never make broad sweeping assumptions, especially about the future
  • never use the first person, I or We, and try to avoid second person, you, as this implies it was directed at a single person
  • try to keep it all in one tense, do not switch between the future, past, and present
  • on that note, all papers should be written in present tense because it is a piece of literature. Because literature can be read at any time it is in the present, therefore present tense
  • Try and come up with a thesis statement, this should sum up your entire argument. A thesis statement should be something like "Video games should be enjoyed by more people because they challenge and stimulate the mind" not "video games are fun"
  • your thesis statement should make an argument
  • If you need help forming one, try using scaffolding as my teacher explained it: "This paper argues that ...." then after you complete it, remove the 'this paper argues that'
  • avoid contractions and slang phrases

that's just a few, if you need more help I can. I'm not an english major but I am a history and political science double major so I write quite a bit of papers throughout a semester
Thanks for the Signature MissMaw!
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Permalink | Quote | PM | +Rep | Commend by Toshabi » September 10, 2012 2:36pm | Report
For starters, your essay has some serious formatting issues. Unless you're in 7th grade, there's no reason for your essay to not follow MLA or APA formatting. I will fix your poorly put together essay when I get back from work and tell you why you're wrong + a bunch of other mean and rude things. yeh.
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