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I see myself throwing this poorly written paper in the garbage then just building a new one from scratch. With what he has now, he'd be lucky to get a D. It's as if a child in kindergarten put together their thoughts on what fun is. Sorry, but that's how bad this paper is :l
well i mean if he changed some things about it he could make that whole "essay" into one paragraph
but again if hes in like 5th-7th or maybe 8th grade then it might be understandable and -might- get a B-
but again if hes in like 5th-7th or maybe 8th grade then it might be understandable and -might- get a B-
Thanks to TheNamelessBard for the signature
Canoas
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<Member>
DillButt64 wrote:
1. i have no idea what grade your in but no essay i have ever written has ever been that short outside of elementary school, but then again i went to a rich person school in new york so i dont know whats expected of you
I just read the first paragraph but.. Are you fcking kidding me? There's so many spelling mistakes, wrong punctuation and just plain idiotic statements in that single sentence that it's hard to believe you went to any school at all, let alone a "rich person school".
I don't think you're fit to criticize anyone's work.
1. i have no idea what grade your in but no essay i have ever written has ever been that short outside of elementary school, but then again i went to a rich person school in new york so i dont know whats expected of you
2. this is so unorganized like...your intro paragraph doesnt have a thesis which makes the rest of your paragraphs not make any sense and your conclusion isnt really a conclusion because again there was no thesis so you couldnt really conclude anything
3. if you want us to help you better you should tell us what the topic of the essay is and what i got out of it right now is "video games are how to be not bored" which is very specific. now if the topic is "write an essay about ways people have fun" instead of having one thing being video games maybe have your thesis say something as simple as "There are many ways people have fun some of which being playing video games, participating in sports, and spending time with friends." this thesis statement gives you 3 paragraphs to write about instead of 3 paragraphs about the same topic which you can easily make into one paragraph
basically what you need is a thesis, 3 paragraphs each discussing a different thing mentioned in the thesis, completely rework your intro and conclusion paragraphs so that they are more about the TOPIC instead of just video games which you should be discussing in a body paragraph, NEVER EVER EVER USE I IN AN ESSAY EVER! there are very few cases that you should I in an essay and this is not one of those essays
again i dont know what grade yer in but you should seriously consider talking to your english teacher about how to write an essay because its a skill youre really going to need trust me ive had to write essays 5-10 pages long in about 3 hours which included 2 2 page essays i had to write and many multiple choice questions to answer, but then again rich smart people school D: but yes SERIOUSLY talk to your teacher about essay structure and writing and organization if you dont then...well i hope your teachers in later grades teach you how