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Zombie Chronicles (My attempt at some short...

Creator: JEFFY40HANDS October 8, 2011 8:26am
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JEFFY40HANDS
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The Rising (Chapter 1)


The day started just like any other normal day for Jason. His alarm sounded, waking him from his deep slumber; his eyes opening to a rather dark room covered in a few movie posters, his computer's screen flashing slowly in the corner of his room. The same message scrolling across the screen as it always did, "Today is just another day".

Jason's hand flew out and pressed down rather harshly on his clock thus turning off the alarm. He rose slowly from his bed his torso coming to form a right angle with lower half as though he were Dracula rising from his coffin. Jason stretched, yawned, and then turned so his feet now touched the ground. He stood slowly; his body still in sleep mode, he felt his knees shaking slightly and heard a few "pops" and "cracks" as his finished standing.

If any other person were to see the state of Jason's room they might relate it to a tornado having dropped right in and demolished anything that actually could resemble a room. Clothing was strewn about, shirts, socks, boxers, and the occassional hoodie. However Jason was not any other person, this was his room and he felt it looked perfectly adequate considering his folks were out of the country. They were traveling around Europe and had been for the past two months. Jason didn't have the best relationship with his parents, but he loved them and knew they loved him.

After getting dressed, Jason through together a quick breakfast of beef jerkey and coffee, not the healthiest choice but he figured his parents would be happy that he ate breakfast at all. Grabbing up his backpack and MP3 he headed for the door; once there he slid his feet into his Converse. Jason then proceeded out the door and was greeted by a warm summer sun. His eyes squinted in the brightness attempting to adjust to the now blazing light which contrasted sharply with his own dark cave of a room which he had awoken in not 20 minutes before.

Jason lived in a small culdesack, his neighbors were mostly old folk, so nothing much ever happened around him. The occassional fight or doctor visit, but nothing anyone would consider exciting. He didn't mind the quiet seclusion but at times it did get to him. Jason wished he lived near some people his own age, but that would probably cause more drama than anything. Hopping in his SUV Jason made his way to school.

The ride to school was never anything exciting, Jason didn't live far away so the trip never amounted to much more than perhaps seeing a squirrel cross the road. His music blaring as he rolled down the winding road his mind focused on other things; Jason almost didn't notice the man who appeared to be crossing the road. He slammed on his breaks bringing the SUV to a screeching halt but it was too late, he hit the man and sent him flying. Jason's heart was racing, his palms sweaty, his breathing heavy. The slow creeping terror that overcame him as he realized he just killed someone. His eyes focused on the heap not 10 feet in front of him, he cringed and started to cry. But then just then as was trying to figure out what to do, Jason say the heap move. His eyes widened and he thought "He's not dead?" his first instinct was to run, but he knew that was wrong. Jason calmed himself, wiped his sweating forhead and slowly got out of his SUV.

Jason knew he was in trouble, but couldn't run, he knew he needed to help this person. Walking over he began to speak, "Sir? Sir? Please, don't get up, you've just been hit by my car. Don't move I'll call for help" his voice was trembling, the man seemed to respond with a groan. Jason came right up to the man and got down on his knees. He placed his hand on what he thought was the man's shoulder. A sickening moan escaped the man as Jason touched him. In his inexperience Jason rolled the man over gently unsure of how bad he had injured him. As he did this the man's cold clammy hand grasped Jason by the wrist hard. Jason tried to pull away in shock but the man's grasp was ironclad.

Jason sputtered as the grip tightened hurting him "Sir, please I'm here to..." But those were the last words Jason would ever speak. The heap he had mistaken for a man was not a man at all. It was a walking corpse, a zombie, the living dead. It's form already broken in many ways. The corpse pulled Jason to it, teeth bared the sickening stench of it's rotting flesh filled Jason's nose. The corpse gave an audible growl before sinking it's teeth into Jason's neck. The bite pierced Jason's flesh and muscle, chomping right through the carotid artery. Jason would feel a huge shot of pain which caused his whole body to seize and flail around like a fish out of water. His blood sprayed in a wild fashion and he gurgled tasting blood, his blood as it began to spill from his mouth. Jason fell limp, his last few moments of life were spent watching the scene grow dark as the zombie he tried to help, sank it's teeth into his stomach. His last thought being "Today was not a normal day" as he closed his eyes and drifted into an eternal slumber.
Dotter
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n1 :)

I liked it ^^
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Then suddenly Louis appeared.

"PILLS HERE!"

Afterwards the zombiefied Jason ate Louis.
JEFFY40HANDS
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XD Well at least some people like it. I'm going to write another at some point. And NAW L4D makes no appearance here but HoTD is what inspired me. (High School of The Dead)
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Why didn't I see this before? I liked your style of writing, but I think it seemed a little mundane at the beginning. I know this is probably due to you wanting to cement the idea of it being a normal day so the ending would really... tell the reader it wasn't a normal day. Hope you're ready for some constructive criticism. Everything I say below is my own opinion and a genuine effort at giving some feedback, not trying to tear you down.

So.

The reference to Dracula seemed a bit odd and out of place. The sentence "Jason was not any other person" makes him sound extra-ordinary, and I don't think that's what you meant to convey with that sentence. I honestly thought he was going to be a super hero from the one turn of phrase.

Fleshing out his parents did not seem like a necessary thing to do, it seemed sort of unrealistic. A more common scenario would be that both his parents worked hard for the upper-class life they shared, and both of them were already at work.

The product placement sets the scene of what type of person Jason is, but I'm not sure if it's necessary.

I noticed a few spelling errors, such as "culdesack", and incorrect word substitution such as "say" instead of "saw", but those sort of things are trivial.

What I found the least believable was when he crashed into the zombie. Crashes don't happen often in today's society, especially not in an upper-middle class neighbourhood. The crash scene itself was pushing the boundaries of believability, as the man was sent flying and Jason screeched on the breaks.

A more realistic scenario, in my opinion, would have been Jason trying to apply the breaks, but pumping the clutch pedal and acceleration instead. The body could be run over, with the car crushing the man.

When Jason got out of the car, there was more room for description of the scene. Stephen King said after his famous car accident that he rolled for so long his jacket lay inside-out on the pavement. I found that a profound statement.

Another thing that didn't make sense to my Australian mind was this teenager driving to high school. In Australia students do not receive their licence until they hit 16. They then can only apply for a license to drive by themselves a year later after logging 100 hours daylight driving and 50 hours night time driving. Thus it seems odd to read about this teenager driving to school (not sure how American driving system works). Also, students are not permitted to park in the parking lot at most high schools, so where would Jason park? Why didn't he just catch the bus? Not only that, this teenager owns his own car, not a broken down bomb either, but an SUV.

The problem I have with short stories is that the author sometimes tries too hard to link the beginning to the end. The "just like any other normal day" beginning and the "not a normal day" ending was a tad cliché. I felt that you could have added more to this short story by making it filled with more horror.

Overall, I liked the idea, and it'll be interesting to see what other zombie stories you come up with. I'll really enjoy your take a few chapters on, when the zombie population is teeming, and survivors are banding together to stay alive.
guide writing tips 'n tricksashes to ashesfancy a sig?

♡ sig by natuhlee ♡
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XD Well at least some people like it. I'm going to write another at some point. And NAW L4D makes no appearance here but HoTD is what inspired me. (High School of The Dead)


I knew it! I was like..huh this sounds like HoTD.
JEFFY40HANDS
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jhoijhoi wrote:

Why didn't I see this before? I liked your style of writing, but I think it seemed a little mundane at the beginning. I know this is probably due to you wanting to cement the idea of it being a normal day so the ending would really... tell the reader it wasn't a normal day. Hope you're ready for some constructive criticism. Everything I say below is my own opinion and a genuine effort at giving some feedback, not trying to tear you down.

So.

The reference to Dracula seemed a bit odd and out of place. The sentence "Jason was not any other person" makes him sound extra-ordinary, and I don't think that's what you meant to convey with that sentence. I honestly thought he was going to be a super hero from the one turn of phrase.

Fleshing out his parents did not seem like a necessary thing to do, it seemed sort of unrealistic. A more common scenario would be that both his parents worked hard for the upper-class life they shared, and both of them were already at work.

The product placement sets the scene of what type of person Jason is, but I'm not sure if it's necessary.

I noticed a few spelling errors, such as "culdesack", and incorrect word substitution such as "say" instead of "saw", but those sort of things are trivial.

What I found the least believable was when he crashed into the zombie. Crashes don't happen often in today's society, especially not in an upper-middle class neighbourhood. The crash scene itself was pushing the boundaries of believability, as the man was sent flying and Jason screeched on the breaks.

A more realistic scenario, in my opinion, would have been Jason trying to apply the breaks, but pumping the clutch pedal and acceleration instead. The body could be run over, with the car crushing the man.

When Jason got out of the car, there was more room for description of the scene. Stephen King said after his famous car accident that he rolled for so long his jacket lay inside-out on the pavement. I found that a profound statement.

Another thing that didn't make sense to my Australian mind was this teenager driving to high school. In Australia students do not receive their licence until they hit 16. They then can only apply for a license to drive by themselves a year later after logging 100 hours daylight driving and 50 hours night time driving. Thus it seems odd to read about this teenager driving to school (not sure how American driving system works). Also, students are not permitted to park in the parking lot at most high schools, so where would Jason park? Why didn't he just catch the bus? Not only that, this teenager owns his own car, not a broken down bomb either, but an SUV.

The problem I have with short stories is that the author sometimes tries too hard to link the beginning to the end. The "just like any other normal day" beginning and the "not a normal day" ending was a tad cliché. I felt that you could have added more to this short story by making it filled with more horror.

Overall, I liked the idea, and it'll be interesting to see what other zombie stories you come up with. I'll really enjoy your take a few chapters on, when the zombie population is teeming, and survivors are banding together to stay alive.


No spell check on the comp (wrote this from work) XD.
Here in the US, at least in Michigan we can apply for driver's education at 15 years and 6 months of age. Have our permit by 16 and driving on our own soon after. My old high school has parking lots for students. And to my knowledge, in the states it's common for high schoolers to drive to classes and whatnot.

As for your other observations, it's a story with Zombies in it. The point is to suspend belief, this is the first in a few stories I'll write. Literally writing them from a desk with no prior planning, simply what floats around in my brain and spews out on to the page. So the lack of fleshed out details, or a well written scenario will be easy to find. The idea is that the Zombie apocalypse is just beginning. Jason happens upon one.

The overall plan (as it came together) was to create a normal boring day, as was clearly and obviously hinted to at multiple times. Then throw in something out of the ordinary. Follow that up with an additional out of the ordinary thing (car crash...Which statistically are quite ordinary in the US.) Followed by the main hook. OMNOMNOM IMMA MOTHER FUNKIN ZOMBIE.

Next Chapter will actually introduce us to our main character(s).

TY for your criticism, I'll do better with details, but the "believability" will still be suspect :P
The_Nameless_Bard
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jhoijhoi wrote:

Another thing that didn't make sense to my Australian mind was this teenager driving to high school. In Australia students do not receive their licence until they hit 16. They then can only apply for a license to drive by themselves a year later after logging 100 hours daylight driving and 50 hours night time driving. Thus it seems odd to read about this teenager driving to school (not sure how American driving system works). Also, students are not permitted to park in the parking lot at most high schools, so where would Jason park? Why didn't he just catch the bus? Not only that, this teenager owns his own car, not a broken down bomb either, but an SUV.


In SD you can apply for a learner's permit at age 14, just gotta pass the driving and written tests. @.@ stupid freshies driving around....

And in most US HSs students can park in the parking lots....lol
JEFFY40HANDS
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^^ COPY CAT. (Time Stamps FTW)
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In SD you can apply for a learner's permit at age 14, just gotta pass the driving and written tests. @.@ stupid freshies driving around....

And in most US HSs students can park in the parking lots....lol

Limit for permit is 15 here in Oregon. License is still 16 though.
I don't care enough to find all the technical things out though. Most people have pretty decent cars too jhoi...


Thank you to jhoijhoi for the sig, and all the dividers in the guide.

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