I know my writing style might sound a bit humorous, but this build is not a joke. It is a legit build that more people need to know about, because it is ridiculously good. At the same time though, it is hilarious watching your enemies cower before the raw power of the cow.

The main goal of this build is to be a nuisance top, pushing non stop, and smashing anyone who comes to you to a pulp. Build crit and attack speed because it works. I don't have an explanation, it just works. The tiamat and statikk shiv help push extremely fast. Also, I run ignite cuz I AINT NO *****. Contrary to popular belief, Alistar hits like a dump truck when built right, and has the potential to annihilate anyone that challenges him.

I'm sorry to say this, but you need to play safe until level six. Just get your farm, heal with e, maybe knock someone back with w, but just GET YOUR FARM. Your goal is to get 800G for your sheen. Once you get sheen and hit 6, that's when you start spitting fire.

Now the goal is to stay top the entire game, unless some easy team fight arises where you can snag some kills. Just stay top, push hard, farm, get your items, and kill anyone who gets near you. Whenever you back, BUY WARDS. You will be getting ganked all day, and need some vision to know where everyone is. PAY ATTENTION TO THE MAP. This strategy is fairly advanced, but once you get good at it, it works quite smoothly.

You want to be right in your enemies face. When near a wall, and near the champion, A them, then run behind them and W them into the wall and continue to slap. When trying to close a gap between you and the champion, W to them and quickly press Q to knock them up, then continue to slap.
THIS IS A VITAL SKILL: Get used to attack moving, and staying ahead of the champion. This will help you stay near them and be able to attack them the entire time.
Don't be scared to fight. Your ult makes you super tanky, and gives you 502,345,792 damage, so you can probably fight most people as long as you combo right, and have your items.