HEAT IS A PRIMEVAL FORCE OF REALITY, THE MOVEMENT OF OUR VERY ATOMS. HEAT IS NECESSARY TO PREVENT THE CONSUMING BLACK OF ENTROPY WHICH PRE-MEDITATES THE TOTAL COLLAPSE OF THE UNIVERSE. YET, HEAT TOO IS SUBJECT TO ENTROPY'S PULL.

IN THIS GUIDE TO THE VIDEO GAME LEAGUE OF LEGENDS, I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO PREVENT THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE. BY BEING A ****ING DUMBASS LOSER AND PLAYING BRAND IN THE JUNGLE WITH THE FULL CONFIDENCE THAT IT IS A SUCCESSFUL AND FUNCTIONAL GAME PLAN, YOU TOO CAN PROVE NOTHING TO THE WORLD.

I HAVE NO CREDIBILITY. I DO NOT PLAY RANKED. I HAVE NO PHYSICAL EVIDENCE TO SHOW YOU. HOWEVER, I CAN ASSURE YOU, I HAVE DONE VERY WELL IN MANY GAMES OVER THE LAST 2 WEEKS USING THIS TECHNIQUE. I HAVE CONSISTENTLY DEALT THE MOST DAMAGE ON MY TEAM, AND SECURED MORE OBJECTIVES THAN THE ENEMY JUNGLER. THE PLAN WORKS, IT ****S **** UP, AND NO ONE EVER SEES IT COMING. THAT LAST POINT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT... BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT.

THERE IS A CERTAIN ZEN TO PLAYING A CHARACTER WHOSE ENTIRE ROLE IS TO SET PEOPLE ON FIRE AND HOPE THEY **** UP BY WALKING NEXT TO TEAMMATES. THE EXECUTION REQUIRED FOR BRAND IS THE EQUIVALENT TO MICROWAVING A FROZEN MEAL, AND THE REWARD IS LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY. WATCHING A WHOLE TEAM EXPLODE BECAUSE THEY MADE A MISTAKE BY POSITIONING CORRECTLY AND BEING ANYWHERE NEAR THEIR TEAMMATES (???) IS THE FUNNIEST **** IN THE WORLD

I HAVE NEVER HAD A BAD TIME PLAYING BRAND JUNGLE AND NEITHER WILL YOU. DO NOT FLAME YOUR TEAMMATES, THE FIRE IS ALREADY INSIDE YOU. DO NOT TYPE ANYTHING TO THEM. IGNORE THE ENEMY'S TAUNTS OR COMPLAINTS. THEY ARE NOTHING TO YOU. BRAND IS ABOVE THAT. FIRE CLEANSES ALL.

FIRST THINGS FIRST -- BUY SCORCHCLAW AND GO TO BLUE BUFF. 99% OF THE TIME, IF YOU START YOUR CLEAR ON RED SIDE, YOU WILL SUFFER IMMENSELY AND YOUR CLEAR WILL BE MUCH SLOWER, OR EVEN DEADLY. START BLUE EVERY GAME, EVEN IF YOU COULD GET A LEASH ON RED. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT BRAND JUNGLE IS SUPPOSED TO DO ANYWAYS, THEY WON'T KNOW THAT ****. OH, AND EXPECT TO GET LOW ON HEALTH. YOU WILL BE FINE AS LONG AS YOU SPACE OUT THE CAMPS A DECENT BIT AND KEEP AUTOING. EVEN ON BAD CLEARS I SURVIVE PRETTY WELL. I REALIZE THIS DOESN'T INSPIRE A LOT OF FAITH IN BRAND JUNGLE, AND IT SHOULDN'T. THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

TAKE YOUR Q FIRST. IT HAS THE HIGHEST BASE DAMAGE AT LEVEL 1, AND THE LOWEST COOLDOWN OF YOUR ABILITIES. TAKE BLUE WITH AUTOS AND Q (MAKE SURE TO KITE), LEVEL YOUR W, AND GO TO GROMP.

NOW, THERE'S A IMPORTANT TECHNIQUE HERE, CALLED "THE GROMP SLAYER." WE NEED TO GET BRAND'S 3 HIT PASSIVE TO ACTIVATE ON GROMP, BUT WE ONLY HAVE TWO ABILITIES. FORTUNATELY, THERE IS A WAY. BRAND'S PASSIVE BURNS FOR 4 SECONDS, AND YOUR Q COOLDOWN AT THIS POINT IS JUST UNDER 8 SECONDS WITH BLUE BUFF. THIS LEAVES A SMALL WINDOW IN WHICH WE CAN RE-APPLY THE BURN AND SAVE YOUR COOLDOWNS UNTIL YOU CAN CAST Q AGAIN, THEN IMMEDIATELY HIT GROMP WITH IT. COUNT THE SECONDS OF YOUR Q COOLDOWN, RIGHT UNTIL IT'S ABOUT TO TICK DOWN FROM 5 SECONDS. THEN, CAST YOUR W, WHICH SHOULD KEEP THE PASSIVE STACKED. YOU HAVE AROUND A HALF-SECOND WINDOW TO MAINTAIN THE BURN FROM PASSIVE, SO DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU CAN'T GET THE TIMING ON THE FIRST TRY. IF YOU DID THIS RIGHT, THEN THE NEXT Q YOU GET OFF-COOLDOWN WILL BOTH STUN GROMP AND ACTIVATE THE FIERY RING OF DEATH AROUND HIM, GREATLY ACCELERATING HOW FAST YOU CAN TAKE HIM.

EVEN IF YOU FAIL THE GROMP SLAYER, ALL IS NOT LOST. YOU CAN CLEAR GROMP NORMALLY BY JUST USING YOUR SPELLS AND AUTOING, BUT IT WILL BE SLOWER AND HURT MORE. AFTER THAT, GO TAKE WOLVES, WHICH IS MUCH SIMPLER. JUST HIT ALL THE WOLVES WITH YOUR W AND HIT THE BIG ONE WITH Q.

FINALLY, IF YOU GET INVADED AT LEVEL 1 ON YOUR BLUE SIDE, BEG YOUR RED SIDE LANER TO COME HELP YOU. YOUR LEASHLESS CLEAR ON RED SIDE IS AWFUL -- KRUGS WILL TEAR THE LIFE FROM YOUR BODY LIKE A PITBULL IN A PLAYGROUND. STILL, IT IS TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE. HOLD ON TO HOPE.

ONCE YOU FINISH YOUR FIRST THREE CAMPS, THINGS GET EASY. INITIATE CAMPS WITH YOUR W OR E, AND STUN THE BIGGEST TARGET WITH Q. TRY TO MAINTAIN AS MUCH HEALTH AS YOU CAN -- I USUALLY DRINK MY POTION WHEN DOING RED BUFF. KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR COOLDOWNS TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN CYCLE YOUR 3 SPELL PASSIVE FOR EXTRA DAMAGE.

BE CAREFUL AT RED, ALWAYS. IF ANYONE DECIDES TO INVADE YOU THEN, YOU'RE DEAD. BRAND WILL EXPLODE INTO ASH AND DIE. IT WILL BE REALLY SAD. WARD THE BUSH OR CHECK IT WITH A SPELL BEFORE STARTING THE CAMP. THE ENEMY MIDLANER MAY EVEN COME TAKE A BITE, IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE LIKE KASSADIN OR VEIGAR JERKING OFF IN THE MINION WAVE WHILE THEIR LANE OPPONENT CHOWS DOWN ON YOUR *** BURRITO-STYLE.

FULL CLEAR AND BACK IMMEDIATELY, OR GO FOR ONE SCUTTLE CRAB BASED ON WHERE THE ENEMY JUNGLER IS. EVEN IF YOU RUN INTO SOMEONE AT CRAB, YOU'RE USUALLY FINE. KEEP YOUR DISTANCE AND YOU MAY EVEN BE ABLE TO STEAL BY USING YOUR RANGE AS A MAGE, SOMETHING THAT MANY JUNGLERS LACK. EXCEPT KINDRED. **** YOU KINDRED. (I WILL DIE TOMORROW FOR THIS)

BRAND IS BRIGHT BECAUSE HE IS ON FIRE. THIS MAKES IT EASIER FOR ENEMY LANERS TO SEE HIM COMING. BRAND MAY MAKE SEVERAL QUIPS, SUCH AS "YOU CAN'T CONTAIN ME SUMMONER," WHICH CAN ALSO ALERT ENEMY LANERS TO HIS GENERAL AGE AS A CHARACTER.

YOU SUCK AT GANKING MID. ALL OF YOUR SPELLS HAVE DELAYS, AND MIDLANERS CAN DO CRAZY TELEPORT MEGA DASH ********, OR MAYBE JUST KILL YOU OUTRIGHT WHEN YOU APPEAR. PROBABLY JUST DON'T GANK MID -- THERE IS A TECHNIQUE LATER IN THIS GUIDE THAT CAN HELP YOU KILL THE MIDLANER REGARDLESS.

THE SIDE LANES ARE PRIME PICKINGS, HOWEVER. HONESTLY, BRAND'S SIDELANE GANKS ARE NOT EVEN THAT MUCH OF A JOKE. THEY CAN ACTUALLY BE QUITE GOOD. YOUR E + Q COMBO IS A GREAT WAY TO GUARANTEE SOLID CC ON A TARGET, AND YOU BRING EXCELLENT EARLY GAME DAMAGE TO THE TABLE. IF THE SKIRMISH BECOMES A LONGER FIGHT, AS FREQUENTLY HAPPENS ON BOTSIDE, THIS IS EVEN BETTER FOR YOU. YOUR AREA DAMAGE AND COOLDOWN DEPENDENCY MEANS THAT LONG, MULTI-ENEMY FIGHTS ARE IN YOUR FAVOR. COUNTER GANKING CAN BE VERY PROFITABLE AS A RESULT. TAKE ALL OF THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT, THOUGH. YOU'RE NOT ZAC OR NUNU, AND THE GANK CONSISTS OF YOU WALKING AT SOMEONE LIKE A CRYPT GHOUL BEGGING FOR A DARK HARVEST STACK.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO FLASH IN. **** LOOKS COOL. GO ****ING LIGHT SOMEONE ON FIRE, CHAMP. YOU HAVE THE BALLS AND THE WILL TO DO IT, EVEN IF RYZE HATES YOU :(

IT'S IMPORTANT AS BRAND JUNGLE THAT YOU PRETEND AS IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, OR ARE OTHERWISE INTOXICATED/STUPID. AS SUN TZU ONCE SAID, "ALL WARFARE IS BASED ON DECEPTION." MISS SEVERAL SKILLSHOTS EARLY IN THE GAME, ON PURPOSE. WANDER AIMLESSLY WHILE HIDING YOUR REAL INTENT. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, HANG OUT IN THE RIVER.

BY STANDING WITHIN VISION IN THE RIVER, YOU PROVOKE 90% OF PLAYERS TO COME TRY AND KILL YOU. "ANYONE PLAYING BRAND JUNGLE IS STUPID AND WEAK," THEY THINK, COASTING TOWARDS YOU, A KILL ON A SILVER PLATTER. TRY TO GET YOUR MIDLANER TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU BEING IN THE RIVER, AND ONCE YOU'VE LURED AN UNSUSPECTING TARGET, BEGIN POKING AT THEM, BUT NEVER FULLY ENGAGE OR RUN AWAY. BE ANNOYING AS POSSIBLE, WHILE ALSO APPEARING STUPID. I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS HAS WORKED ALMOST EVERY SINGLE TIME. EVENTUALLY, THE ENEMY PLAYER WILL COMMIT TO TRYING TO KILL YOU, AND FIND THEMSELVES AT HALF HEALTH, STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF RIVER, WITH YOUR TEAM CONVERGING ON THEM, ALL BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT BRAND JUNGLE WAS A FREE KILL.

SOMETIMES, VICTIM BRAND IS MORE IMPACTFUL THAN A GANK EVER COULD BE. THAT LEVEL 6 FIORA GENUINELY BELIEVES THERE IS A 0% CHANCE SHE COULD DIE TO YOU, I PROMISE. BUT WHEN SHE REALIZES THAT SHE'S WALKED ALL THE WAY TO MID TRYING TO KILL YOU, EATING STUNS AND BURN DAMAGE THE WHOLE WAY, SHE WILL REGRET BEING FRENCH. EVEN MIDLANERS WHO ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PIN DOWN WITH BRAND, SUCH AS ZED OR AZIR, CAN BE STUCK IN A ****TY CLOWN FIESTA IN RIVER IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE ME THAT THIS WORKS. BUT I'M TELLING YOU, IT WORKS WAY MORE THAN IT EVER DESERVES TO. SO GO BE A ****ING IDIOT IN RIVER, EVEN THOUGH IT CLASHES THEMATICALLY WITH YOUR MOTIF AS A FIRE CHARACTER.

THERE IS AN IMPORTANT VIRTUE TO PLAYING BRAND, NOT ONLY IN THE JUNGLE, BUT EVERYWHERE. YOU MUST ACCEPT YOUR DEATH. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. I HAVEN'T PLAYED A GAME OF BRAND IN EONS WHERE I NEVER DIED. YOUR JOB IS TO BLAST PEOPLE AND DIE TRYING. YOU HAVE NO MOBILITY AND ONE SINGLE TARGET CC. THERE ARE MORE THAN A DOZEN CHARACTERS WITH SINGULAR, REGULAR ABILITIES THAT ARE MORE EFFECTIVE THAN YOUR ENTIRE KIT WHEN IT COMES TO DEFENDING YOURSELF. DIE WITH HONOR.

IN A TEAMFIGHT, IF YOU KILL TWO OR MORE PEOPLE BY DYING, EVERY TIME YOU DIE, THEN YOU WILL EVENTUALLY WIN THE GAME. THIS ISN'T A BAUSEN'S LAW THING. THERE IS NO FARM ON THE TABLE HERE. JUST GO IN, KILL PEOPLE, AND DIE. IF YOU DO THIS, ALWAYS PRIORITIZE THE ENEMY JUNGLER, SO THE ENEMY TEAM ALSO LOSES THEIR SMITE.
DO NOT TRY TO PICK PEOPLE OFF BY YOURSELF, UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY FED. YOU LIVE FOR THE CROWD -- IT BURNS FOR YOU. WAIT FOR TEAMFIGHTS TO REALLY COMMIT MURDER.

NOW, WITH THAT BEING SAID. TRY NOT TO DIE IN GENERAL. DON'T THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND. DODGE, DUCK, DIP, DIVE AND DODGE THOSE SKILLSHOTS. BUT IF YOU ARE KILLED, ENSURE IT MAKES THE EVENING NEWS AND DAMAGES A CIVILIAN STRUCTURE IN THE PROCESS.

THE ABOVE IMAGE IS A METAPHOR FOR YOU DESTROYING THE ENEMY TEAM AT EVERY OBJECTIVE. BRAND IS VERY GOOD AT TAKING JUNGLE OBJECTIVES, EVEN BY HIMSELF. YOUR 3 SPELL PASSIVE HAS NO DAMAGE REDUCTION AGAINST EPIC MONSTERS, MEANING THAT YOU ACTUALLY DEAL SIGNIFICANT DAMAGE TO THEM. FEW PEOPLE WILL EVER SEE THIS COMING, SO AFTER YOU GET LOST CHAPTER/LIANDRY'S, YOU CAN OFTEN SOLO OBJECTIVES AND GO UNCONTESTED.

WHEN THERE'S A FIGHT OVER THE OBJECTIVE, BRAND ENTERS HIS NIGHTMARE KILLER STANCE. YOUR ULT BOUNCES OFF EPIC MONSTERS, GRANTING YOU MORE DAMAGE. THE CONFINED PITS OF DRAGON AND BARON ARE PERFECT FOR TRAPPING HELPLESS ENEMIES IN A CAULDRON OF SEARING PAIN, AND I'VE EVEN STOLEN A FEW DRAKES AFTER DYING BECAUSE OF THE TICKING BURN DAMAGE THAT BRAND SPREADS AROUND.

OVERALL, BRAND IS AN EARLY GAME TEAMFIGHT MENACE, AND SCALES FAIRLY WELL INTO THE LATE GAME, MAKING HIM A CONSTANT THREAT AT EVERY FIGHT OVER OBJECTIVES. THIS IS PROBABLY HIS STRONGEST FACET AS A JUNGLER.

BRAND SCALES IN A LINEAR FASHION THROUGHOUT THE GAME. HE EXPERIENCES A STRONG POWER SPIKE AT MYTHIC AND HIS SECOND ITEM RESPECTIVELY, AND STEADILY INCREASES AFTER THAT. HOWEVER, ONCE YOU HIT FULL BUILD, BRAND IS NOT EXACTLY CARRY MATERIAL. I LOVE THE GUY, BUT HE CAN RARELY SOLO CARRY A GAME. YOUR JOB IS TO SOW CHAOS AND AREA DAMAGE SO THE REAL CARRY CAN KILL EVERYONE EASIER.

THIS LINEAR SCALING MAKES IT EASY TO SEE HOW AHEAD YOU ARE COMPARED TO YOUR OPPONENTS. UP AN ITEM ON SOMEONE? YOU CAN PROBABLY BEAT THEM IN A FIGHT. I'D SAY IT'S MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT, BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS HIT ALL YOUR SPELLS AND YOU'LL WIN. JUST BE BETTER AT THE GAME THAN THEM. YOU CAN DO IT. BRAND BELIEVES IN YOU, FRIEND.

IF THE GAME HITS 40 MINUTES OR SO, YOU'RE REALLY GONNA FEEL THE FALL OFF. BRAND ESPECIALLY TENDS TO PERFORM WORSE AS THE GAME CONTINUES, BECAUSE PEOPLE ALSO START TO POSITION BETTER AROUND HIM AND HIS ULT. YOU'D THINK EVEN GOOD PLAYERS WOULD JUST DO THIS FROM THE START, BUT HONESTLY, I ONLY EVER SEE PEOPLE DIE TO IT SEVERAL TIMES, AND THEN ADAPT ONCE THEY'VE ALREADY LOST A FEW FIGHTS TO IT.

THE "FUNNY BUSINESS" BUILD IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. THEORETICALLY, IT RESOLVES THE WORST PARTS OF BRAND JUNGLE (THE GANKS AND THE MAP MOBILITY) THAT CAN ACTUALLY BE FIXED. THE CLEAR IS INEVITABLY ***. BUT, WITH PREDATOR, NIGHT HARVESTER AND SWIFTNESS BOOTS, YOU CAN BECOME A REAL QUICK UHH GUY I THINK MAYBE.

THIS SUCKS DON'T BUILD IT UNLESS YOU HAVE A HUGE **** AND 10 BILLION DOLLARS (EMAIL ME YOUR FUNNY BUSINESS SUCCESSES OR FAILURES AT josephkifer@gmail.com YES THAT IS MY REAL EMAIL ADDRESS)

FABLED "JOE BIDEN" GAMEPLAY IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE

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