JARVAN IV, THE EXEMPLAR OF DEMACIA

THIS IS A GUIDE TO JARVAN, WHO IS SO MANLY THAT UPON HIS RELEASE HE CREATED A WHOLE NEW METAGAME.

A FEW NOTES BEFORE I START:
THIS GUIDE IS MEANT FOR CASUAL PLAYING AND LOW/MID ELO, I.E FOR BEGINNERS AND CASUALS.

THIS GUIDE IS CONCISE. NO WALLS OF TEXT HERE.

THIS GUIDE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS. KNOW-IT-ALL ******S WILL BE FROWNED UPON.

A KEY THING MOST GUIDE READERS DO NOT GET IS THAT SKILL AND ITEM BUILDS ARE FLUID. I WOULD ARGUE THAT THERE IS NO SKILL BUILD FOR ANY HERO THAT IS CONCRETE WITH EVERYTHING SITUATION (NOTE I AM SUGGESTING YOU BASE YOUR MASTERIES/RUNES AROUND THIS AS WELL). FOR EXAMPLE, I ONCE PLAYED A GAME WHERE EVERYONE WAS A PHYSICAL DAMAGE FIGHTER. I MAXED OUT FIRST, WHICH WOULD BE SURPEMELY ******ED IN ANY OTHER SITUATION.

THE METAGAME:
BE CAUTIOUS WHEN PICKING JARVAN WHEN THE ENEMY HAS PICKED ONE OR MORE THESE CHAMPIONS (THEY ARE ***S):


PROS:
-MANLY
-HUGE ****ING POLE THAT YOU SLAP PEOPLE WITH
-GREAT DISABLER AND TEAMFIGHTER
-ONE OF THE BEST TANKY DPS IN THE GAME
-ONE OF THE BEST INITIATORS
-WITH THE RIGHT BUILD HE CAN BE NEAR UNKILLABLE WHILE SMACKING YOUR OPPONENTS AROUND
-PLAYING HIM MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE LEEROY JENKINS

CONS:
-I THINK HE STILL HAS THAT BUG WHERE HE NO LONGER SHOUTS "DEMACIA" WHEN HE ULTS.
-PEOPLE WITH BLINKS AND FLASH CAN EASILY FLASH OUT OF YOUR ULTIMATE, WHICH IS A SLAP IN THE FACE TO YOU.
-CAN'T BUILD HIM AP. SORRY.

SKILLS:
1
USE IT TO BUFF YOUR TEAM WITH ARMOR IN LEVEL 1 TEAMFIGHTS AND CHECK BUSHES WITHOUT THE NEED FOR A OR FACECHECK
2
3 /
ONLY IF THE LEVEL OF HARASSMENT IS VERY HIGH.
4 /
5
6 ... DUH.
7
8
9

QUICK EXPLANATION ABOUT GOLDEN AEGIS FOR THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED:
TOO MUCH EARLY IS LIKE A MAN USING OVERSIZED CONDOMS. NOT ONLY WILL IT AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE, BUT ALSO AFFECT YOUR PARTNER'S PERFORMANCE AS WELL.

STARTING ITEMS:
Sight Ward
SOME COMBINATION OF THESE ITEMS. NOT ONLY POTIONS AND WARDS THOUGH, THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

LANE ETIQUETTE:
PLAY AGGRESSIVELY 1V1, PASSIVELY 1V2/2V2. DO NOT "HARASS" WITH YOUR / COMBO. REAL MEN DO NOT HARASS. THE KNOCK UP IS WORTH MORE THAN THE DAMAGE. USE IT WHEN YOU KNOW YOU, YOUR TOWER, YOUR CREEPS, AND/OR YOUR PARTNER CAN GET IN A FEW HITS. WHEN LANED AGAINST SQUISHIES OR MELEE ONLY CHAMPIONS, STAB THEIR FACE ANY CHANCE YOU GET.

SHOULD I HAVE A LANING PARTNER?
DEPENDS. IF THE ENEMY HAS A ****LOAD OF TANKY DPS AND YOUR TEAM INSTALOCKED STUPID ****, I.E WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING A TERRIBLE SOLO QUEUE, YES, DEFINITELY. DO YOU NEED FARM? THEN TAKE SOLO TOP. WANT TO GET A TEAMMATE FED? THEN TAKE BOT, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOUR PARTNER EITHER NEEDS TO HAVE A DISABLE OR BE RANGED.

GANKING ETIQUETTE:
HELP YOUR WEAK AND PUNY ALLIES WHENEVER YOU CAN AND ARE SURE OF A KILL. AS THE MANLIEST CHAMPION ON YOUR TEAM, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS THROW YOUR / COMBO FIRST IN A GANK AND TANK THE TOWER IF NEED BE.

CATACLYSM ETIQUETTE:
IT IS CUSTOMARY TO QUOTE HE-MAN WHENEVER YOU TRAP AN OPPONENT WITH NO ESCAPE INSIDE CATACLYSM.

SKILLS:
10
11 / /
DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH MANA YET? IS THE ENEMY PACKING MORE ATTACK DAMAGE THAN MIKE TYSON'S RIGHT HOOK? IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.
12 /
13 /
14 /
15 /

ITEMS TO GO FOR:
ASK YOURSELF THIS FIRST:
AM I PLAYING JARVAN?

YES: GET A FROZEN MALLET
NO: GET A FROZEN MALLET

WHY?
IT GIVES YOU BOTH DAMAGE AND HEALTH, AND A USEFUL AS HELL SLOW ON EVERY AUTO ATTACK.

BOOTS:

EITHER. BUT NOT BOTH DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE 2 FEET (COMMON MISTAKE). FINISH BOOTS AFTER PHAGE FOR MOST GAMES AS THE BONUSES ARE OUTWEIGHED BY ALL THE SEXY THAT HAMMER GIVES YOU.

NOW ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS, AND PICK THE ONES THAT YOU CAN SAY YES TO BEST:
AM I SEEING MORE RIVER/MANA LOSS ACTION THAN TOM SAWYER? GET
ARE MY ENEMIES CASTING A LOT OF **** IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION? GET
ARE MY ENEMIES UNLOADING LITERAL DUMPSTERS OF SPELLS ON ME? GET
IS MY TEAM ALL MELEE BECAUSE COLLECTIVELY WE HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY? GET
DO I WANT A GOOD ITEM THAT I MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO COMPLETE? GET
DO I WANT TO CARRY/BE A METAGAME *****? GET BOTH / RESPECTIVELY.
DO I HAVE A PING OF 9000 AND CANNOT LAST HIT? GET
DO I FEEL LIKE TIN MAN FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ? GET
DO I WANT A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF LIFESTEAL? GET
DO I WANT TO BE A SUPERHERO? GET
AM I A BALLER? GET
DOES MY TEAM HAVE NO HEALING REDUCTION WHATSOEVER? GET
AM I SEEING MANA LOSS ACTION AND AM I POORER THAN THE BUMS IN CHINA? GET Philosopher's Stone
DO I WANT TO BE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER? GET

FOR YOUR LEARNING PLEASURE, I CREATED A TIER LIST OF THE ITEMS YOU SHOULD GET.

BALLER TIER

ITEM AFTER FROZEN MALLET TIER

ITEM AFTER ITEM AFTER FROZEN MALLET TIER

ONLY IF I CAN GET 6 OF THEM TIER


WHAT DO I DO IN A TEAMFIGHT?
1. LOCATE CLOSEST ENEMY THAT DOES SOMETHING IN A FIGHT (TANKS DON'T COUNT).
2. / HIM.
3. DOES HE HAVE FLASH/ANY KINDOF BLINK? CONSIDER SAVING FOR WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, OTHERWISE JUMP ON HIS ***.
4. STAB HIM.
5. IF HE IS DEAD, GO TO STEP 6. OTHERWISE REPEAT STEP 4.
6. GO TO STEP 1. IF THERE ARE NO ENEMIES LEFT, GO TO STEP 7.
7. GO PUSH.

YOUR ACTUAL EXPERIENCE MAY VARY. YOU MIGHT HAVE TO ACTIVATE OR REINCARNATE VIA SOMEWHERE IN THAT AREA.

DO SLOWS/SHORT CCS REALLY AFFECT ME?
NOT REALLY.

AM I A BALLER?
DO YOU HAVE ?

I GOT AFTER
YOU ARE NOW BALLING OUT OF CONTROL

SKILLS:
16-18 WHATEVER THE **** IS LEFT

WHAT ITEMS SHOULD I GET?
CONSULT THE CHART. DO NOT GET BOTH WRIGGLE'S AND BLOODTHIRSTER THOUGH. IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

I FOLLOWED YOUR GUIDE AND DIDN'T WIN!
BLAME YOUR TEAM.